Selfish tendencies running loose,
You slide your neck into the -
They never heard just what you said,
They never thought they'd find you -
Impulsion, Expulsion, Deny the compulsion.
Please, Please, Just one last convulsion!
Exclusion, Delusion, Ignore the intrusion.
Just let me get on, On to my conclusion.
Derail, Impale, I'll try not to fail.
I just have to get out of this God forsaken jail!
I'm flying, I'm lying, I'm crying, I'm dying!
I'm denying, I'm defying, yet you're still not replying.
So I spit, I quit, I slit, I hit.
It's legit, You'll permit, But you can never admit.
So I stand, I disband, I take it in my hand.
I'll expand every gland, til I get my demand.
I crack the code, Everything you bestowed.
I corrode, I unload, I'll stay on this road!
You'll be showed, You got what you sowed.
As it all erodes, Your world will implode.
A contest entry
- I want you to make me feel it! by unanswered.
450 points, ended March 7, 2007, 29 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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wow.... this was amazing.
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Amazing flow, good use of words. I like it.
Good luck in the contest
Ryan -
Damn. Very well written. Your flow is flawless. I enjoyed this immensely. great job. Thank you for entering my contest, best of luck
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Yay!
This is really good for just trying it out! It's got GREAT rhythm and flow. Good luck in the contest! -
You did a really good job for not usually writing in this style.
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This SO rocks! I know these isn't the kind of word to actually be used in a poetry comment, but it... ROCKS!
The rhyming words in each line add a touch of power to the poem. Like, you'd be shily expressing yourself at first, and then, your voice goes louder over the whole audience's clapping!
Fantastic!
Now, as for my favourite part:
"Exclusion, Delusion, Ignore the intrusion.
Just let me get on, On to my conclusion."
I just don't know why it stroke me as fabulous!
And now, a little suggestion; In the line:
"I'm denying, I'm defying, yet you're still not replying."
You could remove the second "I'm", and the "yet" and the "still".
It would turn into:
"I'm denying, defying, you're still now replying!" (Also, the exlamation mark I added makes an impression about the tone I see this poem read with.
I can see this put on music. Do you listen to rock, or play an instrument? Or both? Try putting this on black metal. You'll be surprised!
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Bloody fantastic
This is intense. This is deep, this is amazing. I don't think I have the words to describe exactly how much I like this piece.
my favorite bit is
"Impulsion, Expulsion, Deny the compulsion.
Please, Please, Just one last convulsion!"
The flow of the write is amazing. The words you've used give of such a dark and 'spiky' feeling.
Your right about 'selfish tenancies' running loose.
The world is full of selfish tenancies and reckless decisions which will in turn cause their world to explode.
I can't actually find a negative point in the whole of the piece, and I don't see where you could possibly do any improving. I think it is written perfection the way it is now.
I'm not trying to suck up to you either, I honestly mean every word I just said.
Luvvs
xxxxxxx
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