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Trapped (Gold)

The seventeen knives
That pierce my skin
Will forever haunt me
Again and again

Invisible to the eye
But clear to the soul
My skin rips apart
As I fall down below

The darkness that’s deep
Within my emotionless eyes
Will forever be there
With the dry tears I cry

I walk around in circles
With darkness that leads
In the grasp of the devil
Never to be free

I try going to the light
Trying to find my way
But the demons rise up
And lead me astray

I slipped off the edge
But didn’t scream as I fell
I knew it was my turn
My turn to see hell

The endpoint of life
On my crimson-stained hands
But I felt no pain
As I saw them there dead

My world around shattered
And fell to the ground
I will never see light
To the devil I am bound

My body keeps changing
I can’t control a thing
Devil’s claws demon’s fangs
And angel’s black wings

I don’t possess fear
But I do possess hate
The feelings so strong
No one can relate

The feeling comes out
In hurting and killing
I just love it so much
Only thing to do I’m willing

After seventeen years
The tears finally came
As I lied down in hell
Finished with my game

I want to leave this place
Where the devil reigns
But I am bound to hell
By black bulky chains

I want this curse to end
But it never will for me
I'm forever stuck in hell
And Iwill never be free
~Kay~

Author notes

Dark Poetry

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

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Comments

1 - 25 of 25

  • Shya
    October 11, 2008

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    Wow... intense, raw write... I love the way it flows, and how you begin by describing 17 years as 17 knives that pierce the skin. The rhyming is well done, as is the flow. The emotions are dark and strong, the reader shaken... wow! Thanks for entering! Shya


  • arnica karuna
    October 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Loved it. I like how you open this poem. The ending is a little weak though. Not weak in terms of the idea, but weakly expressed. That is to say that reading through the rest of your poem, I felt as if you could give it a better, more intense closure. Even if you don't, it's alright, because the write is great as it is anyway! Change that "cuz" to "because" so that rule no. 4 is obeyed. Of course, "cuz" makes it sound like you are talking to a person,i.e, more intimate, more raw but then, it is not grammatically correct.
    Plenty dark I should say, liked the intensity of your emotions.

    My favorite part:
    "invisible to the eye
    But clear to the soul
    My skin rips apart
    As I fall down below

    The darkness that’s deep
    Within my emotionless eyes
    Will forever be there
    With the dry tears I cry"
    Thanks for entering my contest and good luck!


  • AutumnGypsy gold member
    August 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Gosh what a lot of contests you have entered one piece into, nicely written if only alittle too long for my liking, best to you


  • InMyFlames
    April 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    whoa alot of contests you have entered! this is a great write and flows smoothly well done!

    o and thanks for entering


  • agalford7053
    May 31, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Wow, great job expressing yourself. And its cool that you can't tell that its about someone else until the very end. I like that. It gives a nice little surprise. Great job! I love how the last line of each stanza just seems to pop out. You did an amazing job!
    Ashley

  • Starz of Heaven gold member
    May 29, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Nice write. Goodluck


  • Tconi
    May 26, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    dark


  • Myth Of Twilight
    May 24, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    deep dark and hatred felld i liked the work -lick-and now im felled great peace i see right hear i would give you a cookie but you want gold insted maybe you will win well have to see inseted


  • illegalfairy
    May 22, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    This was really good. i liked it because i can relate. i know what it feels like to have someone who slowly kills and tortures you. its so hard to explain the feelings and you did it really well. This was great it brought tears to my eyes cause of how i know what it feels like. great job. thank you for entering it into the contest.


  • angel eyes 09
    May 4, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    this whole poem speaks out to me cause someone is steadily killing me inside i like the way u put in there that you want to chance but you cant and that he has screwed you over i can relate to that aswell


  • anguish
    May 4, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    good job. good luck in the contest.

  • Gypsy-at-Heart
    May 2, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This was an interesting piece to read. The darkness contained within and the deep feeling really astounded me. I found the rhythm was contained very well and it flowed with the theme continually.I found the repetitive mention of the number seventeen also helped to make it all flow, which could have been a bit harder to feel with it being quite a long piece.

    Really good work. Sorry it has taken me a while to comment but I haven't been well. Will be judging soon


  • Luciferschild
    May 1, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    a very good long poem, i liked how imaginative and emotional you made it great job and good luck in the contest


  • Suberu14
    April 30, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    It started really good, but it was just way to long. I had a rule about the length.


  • LucyLightning
    April 17, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    This is real good! I liked it lots! Good luck in the contest!!!


  • Jillosophy
    April 2, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Umbral

    Very adumbral and morose. Ever tightening spiral of rhythm and meter pull the reader along. The rhyme flowed fairly smooth over all. A few points of hesitation, but that could simply be reader error here. The last 8 lines seemed kind of an afterthought. They didn't quite mesh with the rest of the poem. But, once again, this is purely my own unsophisticated opinion. I think the lines that stick with me the most, that evoke the most feeling for me are; "With the dry tears I cry" and "I can’t control a thing Devil’s claws demon’s fangs And angel’s black wings". Well done sez' I and congratulations on your gold win. It is well deserved.

    jill

    ps. One question and I promise I'll quit. In the line "As I lied down in hell", do you mean lied as in told a falsehood, or did you mean "As I lay down in hell"? Lay being the past tense of lie, as in to lie down, rest or recline. Because either works but it does change ones interpretation a smidge. Sorry if I went a bit overboard with this, it's the OCD in this old teacher rearing its ugly head.


  • XHollowXEyesX
    April 1, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    omg, this is so strong and powerful.I especially love how it flows so naturally and free,all the lines fit perfectly together and it keptme hooked from the start to finish.very dark and meaningful.
    thanks for entering and goodlcuk


  • BloodCrusted
    March 31, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Very nice.
    Dark. deep. Exactly what I like when I look for poetry.

    Nice flow. You kept me interested the whole time.

    Thanks for this nice entry.
    Good luck in my contest!
    -System of Cyanide


  • EvenStarsBreak--x
    March 30, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    "My body keeps changing
    I can’t control a thing
    Devil’s claws demon’s fangs
    And angel’s black wings
    I don’t possess fear
    But I do possess hate"

    Was my favorite part... good job and thanks for entering my contest.


  • lie
    March 28, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This poem has a nice flow; All the lines matched up in meter pretty well.
    There was some vividly dark imagery in a couple of these lines.
    For expample:
    "Devil’s claws demon’s fangs
    And angel’s black wings"
    Lines like that really give a certain depth to the piece.

    I feel that the subject matter is a little bit of a cliche.
    But everything else was fine.

    Thank you for entering the contest.


  • Never Fall in Love
    March 21, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    I don’t possess fear
    But I do possess hate
    The feelings so strong
    No one can relate

    Excellent work
    You have painted a rather disturbing picture
    which is fully equiped with alot of images
    that make the reader want to run away
    great job
    good luck in the contest

    NeveR ♥


  • Manic Panic
    March 8, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Great write. The rhythm, and flow was absolutely perfect. I liked the imagery that you used. You've created a very dark, and powerful piece here. The imagery you used was great. The entire piece was delightfully disturbing. Keep writing. I hope to read more from you, in the future.
    Thank you for entering, good luck in the contest.
    ~Manic


  • Carly Pop gold member
    March 7, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Thank you for your entry I was troubled reading it. Can I pray for you?


  • Shiro Okami
    March 1, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    I really like this. Very good poem. Flowing, and smooth.


  • screamin2u
    February 26, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    Holy shit

    Great write, the darkness rang out strong, just as I asked. The flow was smooth, the message was strong, the emotion was strong... You wrote yourself a pretty strong poem all around.
    Good luck in the contest,
    -K8

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