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*Exhale*




Do you know who I am?



* Inhale *

Shattered mirrors, broken dreams
Hollow values, vivid screams
Constant failures, my demean
Sanity splitting at the seams

Self destruction, lacerations
Morbid aims and contemplation
Mental breakdowns, aggravation
Rigid silence is frustration

* Exhale *



You think you know?



* Inhale *

Killing pleasure, barren worth
Filthy mind, immoral hurt
Wreaking havoc, shameless dirt
Accomplished errors right from birth

Anguished feelings, great desires
Burdened thoughts and bitter fires
Faulty wishes, deceiving liar
Happy endings now expire

* Exhale *



I'm not who you think I am



* Inhale *

Absurd mania, fractured trance
Demented senses, depleted chance
Rotten exertions, corrupted romance
Forcibly confined in a frenzied dance

Bounded alone in the strenuous plot
I am the victim, that you forgot
All of these labels, say what I'm not
My head to the rifle, and then a gunshot

* Exhale *



You'll never know

Author notes

Raven Contest: 2007RC091

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 84 of 84

  • xxRainbowDawnxx
    June 17

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    This makes me think of the panic that I get with finding out something bad. Also makes me think of drugs and insomnia.


  • writeroftoast
    November 30, 2008

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    Incredibly rhyming, completely was riveted the entire way through. Love the way you penned it, formatting and all. Every stanza was beautifully rhymed, with little if any forcing at all. Meaningful, last stanza so powerful while delivering a shock to the reader. Great job, trophies well deserved, and good luck in the contest!


  • Puking Faerie Dust gold member
    September 27, 2008
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    I think you're the only writer I actually LIKE rhyme with. Not only do you pay attention to flow/meter, but you also don't force the rhyme! Hallejuah! Everything about it is amazing. I loved the format and diction. I relate to it so much, I just wish you didn't Love yoooooh
    Jeanette*~


  • xCandieKissesx
    August 28, 2008

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    Shattered mirrors, broken dreams
    Hollow values, vivid screams
    Constant failures, my demean
    Sanity splitting at the seams

    WOW!!! I'm soooo totally blown away and speechless right now! I don't even care if this piece won a billion trophies...It was amazing!!! *Exhale* I think I can speak now, but all I have to say is awesome job and good luck!

  • xxRainbowDawnxx
    June 18, 2008
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    I really do like the way you worked this, it would go well with System of a Down, due to the title... I also love the way you rhymed all through the 4 lines.


  • Age of Rain
    May 20, 2008
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    This is actually god damned amazing! I really can't say anything original. This ROCKED!!!!


  • Re-invention silver member
    May 16, 2008

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    powerful... DAMN! that was the most scariest dark/beautiful poem Ive ever read... loved it! good job and good luck!


  • forever and ever
    May 13, 2008

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    wow. this is amazing. a great write. very....beautiful, i guess. i don't know if that really fits. but it was. keep up the great work.


  • CanadianGirl1
    April 14, 2008

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    This is very creatively done ... I love that there was that pause "inhale" "exhale" between each stanza.. I enjoyed reading this very much, and I thank you for your entry... I do look forward to reading more of your work.

  • DarkRomantic113
    April 11, 2008

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    Holy shit...I can see why you won all those trophies. Your writing has improved expontentially and your vocabulary is simply amazing. Get a writing minor!


  • whispernthedark Greeters member
    March 29, 2008

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    This is amazing, your flow is wonderful. If people around me knew what was going on in this head, they run like hell. Great, relatable write. Thank you for sharing your favorite with me. Best of luck in the contest.

    ♥
    whisper


  • Kari gold member
    March 17, 2008
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    Incredible!


  • grannyeri gold member
    March 15, 2008

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    Great presentation on this page - colors, sidebar, picture and poem all blend together so well. Congratulations on all the trophies this has won already. Am sure it will get more before its run is done.


  • Jade-
    February 22, 2008

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    Brilliant! This has amazing emotion, imagery, and a good flow. It's a great concept too. Really really good.


    Thanks for entering my contest, and good luck.

    xxx


  • andywontdie silver member
    February 14, 2008

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    This was a good well put together piece and had good vision. This was my favorite line: 'Happy endings now expire'. Thanks for sharing!


  • MyLoveForThem
    February 11, 2008

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    Wow

    This is great!! Your rhyming is fantastic! I can't even begin to explain my reaction! It was truly amazing.

  • californiagirl
    February 11, 2008

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    This is so haunting. The rhyme is great. It has a very fast pace, but doesn't seem like it does. Amazing.


  • nearlycivilized
    February 4, 2008

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    I found this very haunting, and I loved the bounce the rhyming gave the poem. I didn't think the last section had quite the effect the first half of the poem has, but the words pulled it all together nicely. Good Job.


  • genevieve3
    February 2, 2008
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    MY GOODNESS THIS IS FANTASTIC, THANK YOU FOR ENTRERING IT.


  • pantress silver member
    February 1, 2008

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    Your character is so negative and sad, so much emotion. very dark and expressive. Great poem and well deserving of its trophies.


  • vici377
    February 1, 2008

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    wow

    this is AMAZING..can see why you captured all the trophies..love the rhyme and flow..this one is bookmarked..thanx so much for sharing and best of luck in the contest..hugs a bunch..


  • AutumnsFlame
    January 17, 2008

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    WOW This really blew me away! Best entry so far by a longshot!!!! Your rhyme here was FLAWLESS and the imagery was beautiful. That inhale/exhale thing is very creative. Thank you for entering my contest!


  • Rhynoceros
    January 8, 2008
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    Fucking Cool

    powerful and amazing... defiantly a gem...


  • InMyFlames
    December 23, 2007

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    whoa such brilliance "my head to the rifle, and then a gun shot *exhale* youll never know a great poem


  • DrunkenRam
    November 14, 2007
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    Guilty (Everybody's guilty)

    Thanks for entering My contest, I will comment after it is over.


  • RedwingSpirit silver member
    November 13, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This is very Creative, i love the style and form of it, the inhales, the exhales, everything about it is Great. You really capture the pictures minds thoughts with this. WEll Congrats on the Gold and Good Luck in my Husbands Contest


  • PoeticallyTintedSml
    October 23, 2007

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    this does suprise me... and i am very greatfull for this write... it is well writen and i enjoy how it draws directly to the immage... god luck in my contest

    ~Wind~

  • Raven Judge
    October 1, 2007

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    I know I am echoing those who have come before me, but I really did enjoy the way you laid this piece out. It would not have been nearly as effective if you had not chosen to break the paragraphs where you did and I think that is a visual part of the art that most poets overlook. As to the text itself it was smooth and straight-forward, if not, perhaps a little plain. I can tell that this is a piece under constant development, even if that development comes in the form an ever evolving mindset when you read it. I can appreciate this work as one in an angst-style genre that fortunately lacks all of the negative affiliations with its host.

    Thank you for your entry.

    ~Das


  • earthstar
    September 26, 2007

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    I am impressed by the creative influence you have wrote in this write. It opening my mind up to rhyme. I can see the talent is this write. It truly suits you as a writer. It not force or choppy. I find it refreshing very well wrote.I may have to work on my rhyme. The last two writes on rhyme has changed my mind as a reader and writer. I like the overall feel of this write.Picture goes very well with content. Great job good luck on the final round.


  • black lagoon x
    September 22, 2007
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    omg.....i'm so jealous of the way you can flow......


  • Northern Raven
    September 20, 2007

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    Once again I have been forced to re-evaluate my opinion that rhyme is not a style that suits dark poetry because in general it tends to lend a more upbeat flow to poetry and lighter feel than is desired for a dark genre piece. In the case of this particular poem I feel rhyming stanzas compliment the time factor of the “inhale” “exhale” lines, which appear slow in comparison and I think if the two were separated this poem would not have the same effect. The speed indicated by the stanzas gives a representation that the thoughts are rapid and fleeting, which is often how the mind of someone in turmoil works, and it is a conscious awareness of slow breathing that allows a time scale to form from both areas. It also indicates that time drags for a person who feels so low, that a multitude of thoughts can fill those split seconds. The questions and statements between the breaths are felt with more conviction because they stand alone, reflecting the depth of solitude in the subject of the poem. Again, I feel the time factor plays well in these lines as if to give the impression that the person is dwelling on those thoughts.

    I found the penultimate line a little confusing “All of these labels, say what I'm not” because the rest of the poem indicated to me that all these things are what the ‘subject is’ and not vice versa but this could be the way I read it and others may see it differently, especially as this poem appears to be a personal write for the author. All in all I think this poem has a lot going for it and despite it being sad and dark, it is a worthy entry into this contest.

    Congratulations on reaching the final round of the Raven Contest 2007 and good luck with this entry.

    Northern Raven


  • parachute fog
    September 10, 2007

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    wonderful.

    it creates a wide variety of imagery, its technically a fantastically written poem when we go in to techniques and the effect it has on the reader, its almost a passage of conveyed feelings, the separation of the words..Inhale and exhale promote a fantastic use of time in which all these things seem to happen in seconds..for example the broken dreams, the frustration ect
    its a very effective poem, it interacts with the reader too on many occasions took me right there
    i loved this a great deal.


  • Griswold gold member
    September 10, 2007

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    Wow, very well done and very deep. I imagine many people go through this ever single day. Great job on the Gold...Scott


  • CrimsonRain1313
    August 13, 2007

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    Holy Shitness!

    my oh my oh my.
    you are a complete and total GENIUS.
    honest to god. i love this poem.
    the style and the form and the atmosphere...itz fucking brilliant. and it fucking bleedz despair. and i LOVE it.

    "you'll never know"
    --i luv that line. itz so fitting. so...taunting. full of emotion. yet empty.

    "Self destruction, lacerations
    Morbid aims and contemplation
    Mental breakdowns, aggravation
    Rigid silence is frustration"
    --this is my favorite stanza by far. i love the whole thing but this part realli popped for me. exact exact exact. it all fitz so perfectly.

    my god. i love this poem. and i'm definitely adding you to my favz.
    good luck in the contest!
    Peace && Blesses
    ~Rain


  • Riftkin gold member
    July 28, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Bounded alone in the strenuous plot
    I am the victim, that you forgot
    All of these labels, say what I'm not
    My head to the rifle, and then a gunshot



    no rifle here, was thinking of the handgun instead
    easier to hide at times


  • Ale E
    July 28, 2007

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    Wow. This is a very interesting writing syle indeed. I really liked it. Your wording and flow were really good. Good luck in my contest.


  • aeolia
    July 16, 2007

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    I can't say I can relate, but the style was refreshing, as I never read poetry like this (I like my Bryon, thanks!). But, nice work, and good luck in my contest.


  • Dark Whispers
    June 27, 2007

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    Yes, this what I sometimes feel like, except that I'm screaming my F***ing head off and no one will listen.
    great write


  • They Say Shannon
    June 24, 2007

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    This is really good.
    As I read I feel the tension rise,
    (I think it has to do with your wonderful use of rhyming which usually I don't like but you made it work)
    And then in the end it left me hanging.

    Beautiful write,
    Great job <3


  • buggirl
    June 18, 2007

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    wow, this is very amazing. it is intense, but I love the rawness of it. and yet, at the same time it has wonderful rhythm and rhyme, and it flows perfectly. thank you for entering my contest.

    Jen


  • Lj-
    June 6, 2007
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    I like your presentation.


  • Foxydaze14
    May 27, 2007

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    This is a really dark piece, but I love it! It seemed a little to dark for me, but I like the style and form. At first I thought it would just be so rambling on about how life sucks but you made something horrible into something beautiful, and that is true talent!


  • Jaked
    May 13, 2007

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    This is exxcellent! I've never read something like this before. Even as dark as it is you have a real pice of art on your hands.


  • Luciferschild
    May 1, 2007

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    i loved everything about this, most poems with an unusual format are crappy and trying to hide it, this is the opposite, very well written and the rhymes complex and flawless, there was absolutely nothing about this poem i didnt like, i am seriously impressed, thank you for entering this and good luck in the contest


  • Heavens Child
    April 11, 2007

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    Another amazing write....I love your style. The short lines are packed with words that give this piece huge punch and impact. You've got a gift for rhyme. Thank you for the entry my contest. I absolutely love it.


  • BloodCrusted
    March 29, 2007

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    I love this. I am absolutely in love. This is written like a professional, and I truly believe you have a gift alot of people would die to have. This is writted very well, with emotion, and quite touching, actually. I love the pattern and the flow. It keeps me in sync with what you're saying.

    Very, very, VERY well done!

    -System of Cyanide


  • Ninth-Poet
    March 17, 2007

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    penned like a true artist!!!

    This is an impression composition that had a vast array of vivid visual imageries that left the reader feeling that air was getting denser while waiting for the climatic point of this piece.

    -Keep the ink flowing!
    -Good luck in the contest!
    -Monachos


  • ForsakenAngel
    March 17, 2007

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    This is so dark, but very well written. I like it. It's kind of depressing and suicidal at the end, but as long as you wouldn't really do that then it's all good. (lol) but yea. I love it, wish I could write this great.


    • Never Fall in Love
      March 17, 2007
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      If it makes you feel better
      I won't really do that
      thanks
      and yep, I'm sure u can write better than this


  • DenyMyLove
    March 10, 2007

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    Wow!!!! Absolutly incredible!!!! Very well written, but, extremly sad and disturbing to know that you feel this way about yourself!!!! Please talk to someone a good friend or even a stranger. I am always here!!!! Good luck in the contest!!!!
    ~DAWN~


  • Miss Miranda
    March 4, 2007

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    Okay so this is offically my favorite from you. I absolutely enjoyed every line! It gave me great pleasure to read this piece because I can relate, having felt that way before. I especially enjoyed the fact that you had the courage to write out your true feelings, and bare your heart and bleeding soul to everyone at Allpoetry. You are strong my dear, stronger than you know for having stood against all the pain and heartache that plagues you . I am so proud of you and proud of all your accomplishments on all poetry. Each new write is stepping it up another level. You never cease to amaze me. Your writing is truly an inspiration.
    ♥Love,
    Your mom.


  • Maddogk
    March 3, 2007

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    Hi, How are you?...LOL

    This is a deep and apotheosizing [sanctifying] write..
    Love it, I have days like these on a regular basis....
    When darkness prevails and masks my thoughts,
    Weaving an intangling web of pain;
    But for today; The sun shines brightly; [for now]
    And the metaphorical rifle is placed in the mind's
    Cupboard for safe keeping; Locked down safe....

    Nicely composed and excellent presentation. Very enjoyable
    Well done...

    Jeffro


  • Jeg Elsker Ost
    March 1, 2007
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    nice job...really...um. i cant put it in words


  • Manic Panic
    March 1, 2007

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    Wow! Great poem! I could really feel every thought that you expressed in this piece. Did you become a paid member? nice!
    I really liked the lines, "Mental breakdowns, aggravation
    Rigid silence is frustration" The whole piece flowed together very nicely, it almost seemed like it could be a song!
    This is very dark, and I think a lot of people, including myself, can relate to this piece. I hope that you don't really feel this way, though. If you do, I'm sorry. I hope that you feel better.

    Keep writing, stay strong!!


  • NickN
    February 28, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Beautiful. Absolutely perfect. You have grown into an amazing rhapsodizer of the soul. All of these things that you had bottled up inside have exploded forth into a woven masterpiece of words and emotions. Beautiful.

    -Nick


  • Loveandblessings2u gold member
    February 28, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Well I must say this really is a dark write,
    a very well written piece, but it scared me.
    Yet I loved it at the same time.
    I don't know where you come up with some of the things you come up with, but you really amaze me at times.
    you sure do have a style of your very own, and I guess that's a good thing. You can write the most dark pieces of poetry, and knowing that they are not my style at all, but out of my love for you I shall always support you for the person that you are.
    We can agree to disagree at times. Sweet Heart your writing is excellent dark or no dark. We each have our own taste. I for one will be scared to ask you how are you again, because I really don't care much for your answer. You know me well, all I want for you is to be happy, even if only for a short while, that would make me happy. I love you so much young lady, keep up the good work and never stop writing, for it is who you are.

    Your loves you

    • Never Fall in Love
      February 28, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      You can ask me "how are you"
      I don't mind, because I have to say I'm feeling much better
      Atleast better than when I wrote this
      and writing this is what made me better
      Dark poetry will always be something I write
      whether i feel it at that time or not
      Because I have FELT it

      I love you too ♥


  • candy-coated-razors
    February 27, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    this was great keep up the good work hay come see some of my fork if you get a moment


  • Shacadia Shay
    February 27, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    the way you've written this is unique. i lyk the way it's done. but could you please read back through the rules as you'll find you missed one thing. i wish you the best of luck in my contest.
    --Blessed be--
    Bradhadair


  • HoneyFire
    February 26, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I HOPE YOU WILL BE ABLE TO GET OVER THIS BAD FEELING. SOON!!!!!!! YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY, I KNOW I DON'T KNOW YO PERSONALLY, BUT LISTEN; I CARE! AND I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT YOU SHOULD AND WILL BE HAPPY AND COMFORTABLE WITH YOUR LIFE.



    HONEYFIRE!


  • Endeavor gold member
    February 26, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Very Scarry

    I keep hoping you will outgrow this

    From where does the benifit arise

    How are we even one moment closer to our God

    Most my age would give a fortune away to be young again

    You are at the begining of everything

    Save your depression for the end

    Shoot your self on you last day on earth

    as you die of cancer

    Live in the light in your youth

    Rick

    • Never Fall in Love
      February 26, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      I do not wish to outgrow this
      No where have I mentioned that this is about me
      Or that I plan to pick up the gun
      Dorry for however I sound
      But I would love to continue writing like this if it helps me to express myself better and take off the burden for a while
      it's hard enough when I have to go through this
      and it's harder when you wont want me to say it on paper
      I am living my life
      Quite good too
      and I express that part with my friends and what not
      when it comes down to my dark part
      there is no one who wants to listen to me
      There is a benefit .. for writing all this ... and I'm sure you won't understand the impact it has on me

      So please, Don't say that again

      thank you

      NeveR

      • Endeavor gold member
        February 26, 2007
        Edit | Reply

        My Friend

        These are you Authors Comments

        "For all those who asked me, " How are you "
        This is your answer...

        Then you begin with

        "Do you know who (I) am?"

        You just identified yourself

        This is very negative self talk
        How can this be a benifit to say this

        "Bounded alone in the strenuous plot
        I am the victim, that you forgot
        All of these labels, say what I'm not

        My head to the rifle, and then a gunshot

        *Exhale*

        You'll never know


        You are the Author
        You say, I quote

        "My head to the rifle, and then a gunshot"

        I say this in care for you

        20 years from now
        we will both wonder, what were you thinking and laugh

        Just give it some thought
        Our words program our minds

        Shit in... Shit out

        It is true

        Rick









  • trista gold member
    February 26, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Oh, how crazy is it that i LOVE this piece??? You have found a creative way to make "just another dark poem" something interesting and compelling to read. Within the "inhale" and "exhale" I can imagine one breathing in all of the things you've written about, then letting them go into the wind or ocean on each exhale.

    One word bothered me a little, in the line, “Constant failures, my demean” I kept wanting to put “demon” in there, or perhaps change “my” to “I”. I am not completely sure of what message you wanted to bring across there, so it might just be the way I am reading it.

    When a person is in a lot of physical pain, imagery and relaxation is often used to help reduce it...paying attention to one's breathing, then imagining yourself pushing the pain upwards and finally out. I can as easily imagine doing that, in this poem, with emotional pain. We all take something different away with us when reading the poetry of others, and this is what I will take with me from yours.

    You've captured a wonderful rhythm in this as well, and the picture is a perfect accompaniment. Beautiful work, and nothing less than I’ve come to expect from you!

    Much love,
    ~J.

    • Never Fall in Love
      February 26, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      You've grasped the idea well

      about changing it .. well .. demean is a new word for me .. so I might have used it wrongly .. though I remember doing the first verse in english class

      Oh, I found my mistake .. but in a way .. I don't really want this changed...
      i don't mean to offend you, but .. i don't normally change my own poems to other people's suggestions..

      sorry

      I'm really glad you liked it, thank you

      • trista gold member
        February 26, 2007
        Edit | Reply
        Not a problem. I do on occasion make suggestions on poems, but whether they are used or not doesn't bother me. I try to keep an open mind and encourage people to offer me suggestions on my own writing, but it isn't terribly often I use them either. It is just like advice about anything in life...take what you want, and leave the rest behind.


  • mandeedawn
    February 26, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Awesome. I like the part "Bounded alone in the strenuous plot i am a victim, that you forgot" that is powerful itself.


  • Death of the Author
    February 26, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Wow awesome, great write, in anyone elses hands this could have just been a string of rhymes but in yours its awesome. Good flow and everything! x good luck in the contest and take care big sis x


  • Jadeheart 41
    February 25, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Powerful !!!

    Dear poet.. this is very much full of deep emotion and pain.. there are many like my self who have felt this darkness and pain who are here if you ever need anything or to just listen..


  • Abusadora.
    February 25, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    amazing.....this is ...wow....i have nothing i can say but wow


  • February 25, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Believe in yourself...

    Sweet Poet, I do not know who are, but I know what you are.

    You are a poet of warm heart and a beautiful soul.

    Now that there are those like my sweet princess that care and are here for you.

    Time heals.

    In the end look into the mirror and see your true beauty.


  • LadyUnique silver member
    February 25, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    this is well crafted... i should try formatting my work like this once in a while
    yeah the darkness some of us live in... never-ending sadness... you've caught it all.
    very good writing


  • risewiththesmoke
    February 25, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    incredible..... i'm speechless........


  • Amera gold member
    February 25, 2007

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    This is wonderful… you created such a dark image with your well chosen words. It all came together with your flow and structure to form a foreboding image. Well done my friend.

    Love, Amera


  • Dead-Wretched-Angel
    February 25, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Omg...I hope that's not as bad as you feel. You shouldn't let things tear you down so much. You're as strong as you want to be. This is a beautiful write..I doubt I could come up with something so great. Honestly. Keep your head held high

    Love you
    ur AP Bro
    -DWA-

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