She cried herself to sleep
every night for 6 months
Letting what she feels out
During the night, when she's all alone
During the day, she cakes on the
eyeliner and mascara
the lip gloss and blush
Pretending she's alright
She's sick of the games
Sick of pretending.
Her only thought.....
To end it all
It was a dark, cold, rainy night
when it was all done.
A dark, cold, room
nothing but a body of a
pissed off, heart-broken girl
We found her dead on the floor
with a note saying
"I don't want to miss him anymore,
Just make it all stop."
Author notes
I know i need to work on it but I was hoping you could give me some help on how to make it better!!! Title explains some of it.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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This is a good poem, I like it. It shows some of the pain girls go through. Good job!
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It was really emotional but language works. Some imagery wouldn't be a horrible thing either. People can easily relate, but something more cutting and descriptive would make this poem better.
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if you don't mind i would like to try and do a re-write of this and i will send it to you. i think that is the best way that i would be able to help you.
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Well I don't know much I just write. I love this though.
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Too prosy for poetry, too much like poetry for prose.
A few poetic devices would help here. You could try some metaphors. And, spell out numbers; it looks better.
The subject matter is clichéd, but handled differently that the usual, so that is a plus. I would find a way to streamline the lines. Punctuation is a definite must, as some of the lines are muddy as to where they end. (End of line four, i.e.)
This is a good start, and could be a lot better; it just needs some cosmetic surgery.
Thank you for sharing.
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awesome
A well written piece!!! -
the power!
i love the end "i don't want to miss him anymore" that is a VERY powerful line! I had a problem with the except it wasn't very empty line, maybe put that it was empty of life, or empty of regret, but as it is it kind of throws the reader out of the poem. i do like the repetion with the dark cold rainy night and the dark cold empty room, kind of zooms in on the emotion being felt by and amplifys it for the reader. i really love the last line though, it's great, maybe the blood on the wall is a little too dramatic, but if drama and angst is what you want then that's what you've given very well. i also like the letting all her feelings out at night when she can be alone, and pretending she's all right during the day, we've pretty much all had those times. great write!
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You might want to add if he left her or if she lost him? did she push him away? did another girl steal his heart? did he break her heart? Did he feel anything after he left her (or what ever you decide the sit. is) did he feel anything after she died? if you think on some of this tmight help add new meaning. It's a very very strong start though!
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^_^
I like this alot it would make a good story-like poem. Maybe if you add more to it. This one should definately be longer. =)
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Thank you...I was actually going to make it longer but I had absolutely no idea what else to add to make it make sence. It's modeled after something i went through and what i felt.
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this is beautiful.
love the ending.
"i don't want to miss him anymore."
[these are my exact feelings right now.]
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Typo in line 3.The way the structure is in lines 3-5 is messing up the flow but it might just be me. This is a good poem and I enjoyed reading it.
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line 2 and 3 are ment to be together.
Like when its night and what she does then.
Like 4 and 5 are saying what she does during the day. thanks for you input and letting me know about the typo!!
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