Between the sheets was a place of sleep,
the sofa was where company sat
and you couldn’t eat from a table
where my ass had previously been.
The carpet would’ve given you rug-burn
had you ever allowed me on top,
backseats of cars were too public,
secluded meadows made you itch.
Red lace never raised your dick,
black silk you had no time for,
white made you snort with derision,
gartered hose pulled your hairs.
Lipstick on boxers made you cringe,
my hands should never do this - or that -
seed was for interior deposit only
and “no!”, you'd never touch yourself.
Just give me plastic and batteries,
they accept me quirky-sloppy-wet,
encourage me to do as I please
right down to the sated cigarette!
Author notes
I chose option #1
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 83 of 83
-
Sister, sister you know how to bust balls. Then again, looks like he didn't have any. Baby you had me cracking up! The last stanza did it.
P.S. They don't need you to tell them it was good either. LOL! I loved this. -
Sister, sister you know how to bust balls. Then again, looks like he didn't have any. Baby you had me cracking up! The last stanza did it.
P.S. They don't need you to tell them it was good either. LOL! I loved this. -
All right, you've done it. You officially made me fall out of my chair laughing! 
Well, it sounds like you had the one-minute missionary-style man who was afraid of doing anything that sounded foreign to him. Unfortunately I have to sympathize with you since I'm a victim of that too. It's really too bad I can't afford personal help.
Although, you know, if you actually married that fool who isn't worth his balls (literally) you know you can get a divorce pronto on the grounds of his insubordination and unwillingness to perform, right?
Okay, I retract the last statement on the basis that I could be ruled a homewrecker. But I love your witty phrasing! I ought to print this out and hang it on my wall as a future reference for all future boyfriends...
Many blessings,
Raven Aurora
-
Found the right tool for the job I see. A fantastic write of the occasion with many creative juices flowing with laughter and fond memories for many.
Peace in light and love
Noah
-
Great
LOL! Enjoyed phrasing such as "seed was for interior deposit only" and "quirky-sloppy-wet"...funny but serious at the same time. Bet this one hits home with quite a few women who have grown in to themselves and find their men staring at them, speechless, like they're from another planet. Thanks for laying it out there!
-
Awesome!! So true! So funny! Great imagery! "where my ass had previously been...." "seed for interior deposit only" LOL
-
LMAO!!!!!
WOW!
THANK YOU for the laughs, smiles, and just awesome image!
I have to read this to my husband and his brother (just did - they thought it was hilarious!)
You are absolutely brilliant, brave, and cunning!
You are DEFINITELY being added to my favorites... and to the finalist list.
Thanks!!!!! -
-
i thought you'd get a kick out of this
-
-
lmfao.
You didn't marry him did you? lol.
Love it!
Desiree
-
LOL... just seems a lot easier some times hey!
What's wrong with the guy? Geez.. prude!! hehe
This was great!
-
thats classic funny!! i loved it gave me a good laugh haha brilliant bit of humour hun
-
lol this is great stuff loved every word, go you and remember to change the batteries once in a while ( ; lol
-
awesome
Hello there.
This is an awesom and funny poem, but even more than that, it is a poem full of great detail and that's what makes a poem sing to me. Your poem sang loudly, sweetly and clearly.
The rhythm of your poem is very good too. You are a star!
Have a quirky, wet and sated day,
Bj.
-
What a great, open and moist poem.
I applaud your honesty, guts and ...well, bedside manner.
Beaut!
-
hehehe, perfect. Couldn't have said it better myself. And frankly, i wouldn't have the guts to. This is dynamite work, and I love every word of it.
The last work of yours that I commented on reminded me of Shrek. And here we are on a much more adult subject. You're just very versatile, aren't ya? I'm impressed. Can't wait to read more. You're my new favorite.
-
LOL I am about to sleep and I really enjoyed this piece here lol thanks for a great read lol This gave me such a good laugh! lol
-
So funny...had to re-read...
-
-
glad you enjoyed
-
-
Oh this is priceless! Sometimes, a girls' best friend does "buzz"
I absolutely adored this piece...very well done!
Thank you for the read! -
Wow that is wonderful. I saw the title and I just knew I had to click it. I loved it. The background is awesome. Thanks so much for sharing this fine piece and keep it up.
-
tasty!
hehee poor thing, i bet you have aa keep off the lawn sign too dont you. you roll off of frustration, over to agitation, pass off disgust and go head on into ecstasy with this one. good job. i appreciate this
-
Love this piece. Love the background, too.
Do you have an extra vibrator handy? LMAO!
-
Good Silly
I like this poem quite a bit, because it lists all the locations and things that are not agreeable for sex. (At least not for the person the poem's about.) It makes me think of taking a vibrator out into an empty field and using it there, so I can stare at the clouds while I have an orgasm. (Heh, the things that come out of my keyboard when I'm tired and have had too much chocolate milk.) The last stanza ends things well, explaining the device that will replace the disagreeable individual.
-
Lmao omg i just sat and laughed so myou made my day ty so much
-
Well Done
This was well worth the read, well written with such a great flow, tis also a very funny write, with just a touch of truth, great job, John
-
lol to cute. sounds like someone hasn't lived any ugh i hate those types hence why sometimes we just gotta take matters into our hands.
-
ROFL!
I really like this piece of work!
Such humor and truth in it
Too bad those vibes can't mow the lawn; else you wouldn't really need us ;p
Sounds like a guy who doesn't know what he is missing out on
-
First original piece I've read here
Hey, new member here, and, having been so disappointed with many of the poems posted, yours is refreshing, honest, free of contrived subtlety, and true to life. Gonna go read some more of your work
-
-
thank you for commenting on 'vibrators accept you as you are' i appreciate your praise too
there are many good poets here... it takes time and a bit of reading to find them but once you do you will be quite impressed i'm sure
peace to you
-
-
awesome poem@
-
Too True !
Ha Ha! Your too funny! I saw the title of this poem and just had to click on it. I was just laughing at the title alone. Great write and may your batteries always be charged. Hehe.
-
Sometimes you just have to take matters into your own hands. Congratulations on garnering the gold. I wonder if batteries are included. Thanks for the morning giggles.
Sincerely,
Leo Long
-
HAHAHA this is obviously far too amazing for words to ever express the expression on my face when I read this. Just, wow lol.
-
I'm laughing so hard here...Never been with one of those sexual "Felix Unger"-types myself--("The Odd Couple" obsessively clean-nut), but if anyone in your own reality sparked this poetic-creativity from you, tell him NoWayJo says he owes you a six-pack of those Energizer-Bunny batteries!!!
Too cute, and CONGRATS on your gold!
Jo -
Dear LadyUnique,
Congratulations on your gold trophy. You certainly deserved to win with this piece. With it, you have not only made me laugh, but you have introduced me to the beauty of free verse. It flows wonderfully, and definitely sustained my interest (not just because of the subject matter either!) throughout. I enjoyed the constant changes of situation, which I believe you have done really well to structure through complaint of setting, visual, and feeling, leading of course into your own 'happy' feeling at the end. In a way, this seems to work well in telling the subject to go and, in a word, f*ck himself while you so obviously do!
All in all, great write! I enjoyed it.
All the very best,
David. x -
this is pretty funny alright. I can see why it landed the gold.
-
Wonderful!
Excellent and rollicking fun to read! So much truth within your imagery too. A masterpiece most definitely. Peace. -
Good write. Uninhibited sex is great to help us relax but it should never make us feel more anxious. I could go on, but I won't. This captures a familiar feeling.
-
AWESOME
MINE ALWAYS TALKS BACK TO ME ,LOL
-
Rechargeables
What woman cannot relate, awesome. Although, my g/f and I find that rechargeable batteries are must, other than that well done!
-
it's nice to laugh for a change, great write
-
Excellent, excellent...ah *laughing here* yes, sometimes, it's just a damn sight easier isn't it? Bold humor - love it!
-
i don't own a vibrator.YET!!! Fantastic, what more needs to be said
-
That is so insightful
As a male writer, to have come across this poem is a look into the wonderous female psyche and libido. It is great that you can take the reins, and take matters, so to speak, into your own hands, or other appendages, whether or not they are attached to another. Great read.
-
O M G i laughed my pants off reading this piece. I think that you are a shoe in in this contest. Best of luck, not that you shall need it with a sense of humour such as this.
ss -
I so totally know what you mean. Thank God for vibrators: and thank God you are obviously a woman unafraid of the truth, or we wouldn't have gotten this poem. :-P
Seriously, great write--definitely made me chuckle.
-
Heheee
You can do better than that nerd! And if not, there is always our good friend the vibrator who never complains. Its a good relationship because hey, we never have complaints for it. Thanks for sharing your honest, quirky poem that made me smile. Also, you should really check out the movie "The Oh in Ohio"...it talks about this very topic.
Thanks again!
-Creatress-
PS I really dig your picture of the hand and coffee cup.
-
-
-
Funny!
This poem is hilariously funny! I was giggling and smiling through the entire thing! I laughed so loud during one part that my grandmother looked at me like I was a freak! HAHAHA I love it! Wonderful, Fantastic, Glorious job! Keep up the wonderful work!
~Mon Amour Ange -
Funny!
This poem is hilariously funny! I was giggling and smiling through the entire thing! I laughed so loud during one part that my grandmother looked at me like I was a freak! HAHAHA I love it! Wonderful, Fantastic, Glorious job! Keep up the wonderful work!
~Mon Amour Ange
-
ha ha ha great write and they say the best thing about vibrators is that you do not have to use any effort into turning them on ha ha ha
good luck in the contest with this fun write
-
In defense of actual penises - not all of them are attached to bigger penises. But, I grant that many, many are, so I do not take it personally that you have written this. It appears to me that you married a penis attached to a pussy, and that is confusing to me, my friend! I only say that I can draw you a bath, rub your feet, make the bed, think of kinkier things than you can, and spoon. Let's see the vibrator do that! Three hot-to-trot bunnies for you, who have organic bunnyfoot vibrators attached (thumper is a wild ride).
-
HAHA!
That was great. Told it just how it is. The thing with batteries is every girls best friend, and I think this poem will be now too.
Best poem I've read today by far!
Good Luck.
-
This made me giggle thank you for writing and sharing this it was really good. I could see this in my minds eye. Great job.
-
OMG!!! LOL!!
This is fantastic! It's funny and it's just very well written. This is one of the best humor piece's I've read in a long time. It's so honest and very true you should be proud of it, because I am. -
LMAO!!!
I think this is great! Vibrators aren't half as picky as some men can be. Personally I didn't see anything wrong with any of the places or items you mentioned
Excellent work! I loved it and thank you for the laugh and for entering my contest
-
Whoa!
Hey this is a freakin' awesome write! Although i usually don't like non-rhyming...this one's good...tell me. What kind of dumbass turns down The "Glorious Red, Black, and white?"
-
What a tribute to BOB...Oh this was good....should be in every womans budior so she can read it as she gets BOB....How wonderful how you explain with great emotion and imagery, why BOB is better!!! I had to click on this after seeing the title...BOB does not complain or talk back...hehehe..! Rock on...Godd luck!
-
How great it is!!! The truth in here makes one stop and think, no complaining or lectures when it comes to battery operated. A fun little write, that rings of truth so often. Made me laugh as I thought, what else could a woman need. LOL
Excellent fun and light hearted.
Best to you!
-
Ode to BOB. I love this. Very elegant and eloquent. Who would of thought the vibrator so appealing? Well done luv, well done.
jill
-
-
my first two husband's were named BOB... lmao. this one is Jim
-
-
-
Definitely funny.. and I am sure most women have felt this way one time or another. Me thinks ditching such a self serving guy would be an excellent move..lol.
Blessings..d -
This piece is hilarious. The guy sounds a little uptight if you ask me. At least you found something that could give you the pleasure and acceptance you needed. Even if this does get booted out of the contest, it made me chuckle. --->pixxie<---
-
LMAO You crack me up, Lady... Loved the "pallet" comment, too. Ummm..."palatte", perhaps??? Hmmm...I don't particularly care for anything that requires batteries...& the accoutrements can become too numerous, should one pursue that path of "enlightenment"...Lady, who HAVE you been hangin' out with??? Good luck in the contest, my Friend...Dammmnnn...I've got tears in my eyes...
My eyes!!! My eyesssssssssssssssss!!! {runs away, haunted by the visions you've put there}
-
-
oh sweet Wanda... i laughed so hard at your comment hubby had to ask what was up... so i musta been loud if i pulled him away from TV
i think it was the 'Lady, who HAVE you been hangin' out with???' that did me in
-
-
Yeahhh...& then ya went & featured it, after ya MADE me comment...LMAO TV, ehhh??? Methinks the source of the inspiration has been revealed...
-
-
i shall plead the fifth on that one
-
-
Plead all ya wanna, my Friend. It obviously ain't happenin'. Poor Poet...
-
-
-
-
-
-
So Great!
Love this, it so great my cheeks hurt from the smile Truth and humor, best of luck in the contest, if my vote counted you would have it
best wishes and take care
Michelle ~
oops forgot the applause! -
You made me laugh I liked the ending! Good luck in my contest
-
Oh my,just the tonic after a helluva day to find this write of yours with it's great blend of poetic skill,philosophy and tongue in cheek humour,loved the title,very apt!
If vibrators could decorated and change fuses too they could possibly replace the male race altogether and then us women would be enslaved to batteries and the market price would rise astronomically lol buy shares now!!!! lmao well done
-
Hahaha, I don't know what to say except that this is hilarious. I was laughing the whole time, because I saw the end coming from a mile away. Funny poem!
-
TOTALLY LAFFING
That's too funny. LOL
I am glad that I read this..
-
that was...well...interesting...makes me feel better today
-
LMAO
Good job! I'm sorry, but I can't help but laugh. Whereas I did feel a little something while reading this, the guys you date don't quite seem to suit your pallet. For this I am deeply sorry. As far as the "plastic and batteries" I can't really relate, but as far as the having to either settle for something other than my desire, or handling things on my own...I completely feel you there.
-
-
oh please do laugh it's meant to be funny... for the most part anyway
-
-
Oooo, very tasty and hot!!!
I love the sexual based lyrics! They got me going and ready for action! The title drew me into reading your poem. Terrific piece of literature, not for the faint of heart!
-
This was great. It told it like it is...And they are making these vibrators better and better through the years...This was just a delight to read. Great job
Soulful Woman
-
Omg I'm not sure If I want to laugh or cheeeeeeer this is the best dam tell off I have ever read, so full of truths that I bet hardly anyone will ever admit..
But Man you have pulled this off with ease,
What more can I say.. take a bow for expressing point blank...
Warm thoughts
Frozentearz
-
Hehehe. The title drew me in and I was captivated from the first stanza to the last. This could become an anthem for free women everywhere!
Bravo!
Marianne
-
Oh my goodness! I've never read one like this before Very personal. My face is blood red!!!
I'm way to shy to comment more on this subject!!!!!!!!
Silver
Adding your comment:
1 - 83 of 83
