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candles

with heartbeats on fast forward 
                  my pen would dance faster --



until i’m caught mid-thought
      by sands of wave-washed time --
                                    i’d blow
                            out life’s last candles


                      and realising
                there’s no more wishes
                                    i need
                                          to make   




                                                  i’d simply

                                                        close
                                                      my eyes.








Author notes


What's your opinion?
How about the line 'by sands of wave-washed time'? How could that be improved?
Do you think the words 'I need' are uneeded?
Any more redundant words? (I'm all for trimming the fat).

In a list

A contest entry

Critical comments are most welcome.

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Comments


  • Argon1442
    April 6, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    this piece is really deep. i really like all of the usage of the candle and how it can be used in many different ideas. the end worked really well to close everything up, and the beginning had great word usage. the one thing though about the beginning i thought was that it jumped to fast into the poem, but besides that it was great


    • DancingRed
      April 6, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks for your comment. Yeah, I struggle a lot with making poems longer and adding more to 'em. It's something I'll have to work on!


  • deadcolor dreams
    March 20, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    WOW. I know I keep saying that, and maybe it's cause it's 2 am,... but damn your impressive! I love you.