Emotional Drivel

In review of my life from October to now I wonder what happened you saying you loved me. The happiness I felt because of those four simple, yet meaningful words of love.

But were they just words?

I wanted to be with you, and understood that long distance relationships never work... You and I... We knew, we've tried.  But this is rediculous, we spend one week calling each other daily... then another not calling at all, because of various things,work, school, friends.

I call you again to see when you're coming to visit, for you said you would... and you freak out...

I ask you if you're angry with me... you say, 'kind of... I'll tell you later.'

Kind of?  What did I do to upset you, that you're kind of angry with me?

We get off the phone so we can both go back to work... and you call me that evening... and tell me that you had spoken with a friend, who mentioned the posibility of me being dead, just because we hadn't spoken in a week.

Sadly this upsets me, you're semi-angry at me because of something your friend said about the posibilty of my demise...

Then you tell me that I need TIME to sort out my feelings... to figure out if I do eventually want to end up with you...

I'm willing to bet you don't know how that made me feel, but that's fine.  We got off the phone and I didn't speak to you again until New Years Eve.

I called you the night before New Years, I was hanging out with a friend at his friends house, and I was bored.  You were hanging out with some mutual friends of ours... it was all well and good. 

Then... you told me you had set yourself up on a... well semi-blind date...

Date... wow... that hit me hard... God what the hell... how do you go from, saying 'I love you' and 'I'm gonna break it off with so and so' to 'oh I set myself up with a friends cousin,' or whoever she was...

Of course I didn't let you know.  I've done this for three years... since the first time we broke up... listened to you talk about the girls you like... the girls you've tried to ask out...

Since New Years I don't think I've called you... I've wanted to... lord have I wanted to.  I think I need closure... but... I'm afraid... I'm afraid that if I get it this time it will be well and truely over.

If that happens I know, I'll be to scared to ever start again... 

To end this drivel... I know I have issues with relationships... but I really do think I love you... I just don't think you love me back.  So, if you ever read this... which I doubt you ever will, and hope you never will.  Just know that for some bizarre reason I think I may still love you. 

Dammit all to hell.