I promised myself I wouldn't do it again.
To kiss and find love in a very good friend.
Her lips touched mine and we fell in love;
in this world like two morning doves.
Free to renew my inner lust.
Free to throw away all of my trust.
To feel our warmth and souls connect,
reminds us that to me, she's perfect.
As of now, i'm in lust, to be near her auro again.
But I have to be careful not to offend,
the others that I've already turned down,
because I've already got, someone around.
I don't know what to do, or when we should speak.
If we should be, where we are together to keep.
Until then I could give a shit, if my life was all over.
If the lord will allow, I have her now, and I once again do love her
A contest entry
- Rhyme Time by Kevan.
390 points, ended March 3, 2007, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Could be better
The rhymes seem forced in some areas and the grammar is off in others. For example: reminds us that to me. It may sound correct when you let the words flow, but this is an error and I do understand what you're trying to say-I used to do exactly the same! Again and offend really stick out for me but that may be because when I say them (with a completely different accent) they sound nothing alike. The subject is something I severly disagree with and have never taken action with-though this is your choice as a God fearing man. The last two lines cause alot of questioning on my part, for instance: Until then I could give a shit. You could or couldn't? Alas, I do have some positivity in store! When I read this poem I think of Evanescence, a bleak and slow poem that holds alot of depth that is yet to be released. You could have made this a poem for many teens to read and feel like sense comes through you...their new found messiah. Once again BnB, I don't doubt you have talent, but you MUST use it instead of letting it waste away in potential. Thanks for the support and keep writing, someday you'll be better than me.
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yeah, I sort of wrote it off the spot when I enetered int oa competition. Seemed scratchy, but I didn't have enough time to edit anymore.offend, and again i agree are horrible together, but I sort of just wrote what i felt, and i didn't feel like changing? i meant i wouldn't give a shit if i died because i was so happy at that time. and thank you. I love your comments. critism is exactly what i'm here for. i DO need to start somehting. usually i write it straight up. and that's it. i need to start actually editing. but yes i understand everything that you say and i love ever critique you give. thanks a bunch
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I really think this is beautiful, and not just because i think its about me =]
But this has a story, which i really enjoy.
~KtB
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Really sweet poem, I like it a lot
Really cool rhymes is what you got
Good poem! Really good job on this!
Welcome to the finalists!
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