Papa
He cries with a half torn voice
A child of two
He lies in his bed
His father's out somewhere
But he needs him
Mama
He cries with tears drowning his eyes
A child so down
He's so alone
His mother's not home
But he needs her
Sister
He cries with desperation
A child neglected
He's taken his last attempt
His sister is coming
"It's ok darling, brother dear.
Mommy & daddy'll soon be here..."
Sister has tears in her eyes
Because sister just told a lie...
A contest entry
- Amaze Me! by Shantalina.
550 points, ended February 27, 2007, 22 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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moving
This is great. This actually creates a visual, like a mini-movie in my head. It takes you to the place where this kid is and makes you feel what he feels. It fills you with fear, anxiousness, and helplessness. Then finally shows the heavy burden laid on the big sister. Eventhough you don't give the sister's age away, it gives you a sense that she is only in her teens. Very depressing... I like it a lot.
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What you've pointed out as feelings are those I felt writing this, the reason why I wrote this.
Thank-you very much for being able to pull that out.
Well appreciated.
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Beautifully planned and constructed, with an impact sure to pull out the roots. Excellent
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Funny, it wasn't actualy planned. That was the draft itself, haha,
Thank you, so much.
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This is incredible! I absolutely love it. It's terribly sad. Thanks for entering!
SAE
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