Paradise is where I will be.
As the oceans pour into the sea.
Sailing on a vessel for two.
Under the twinkling stars me and you.
Moonbeams shine down from the sky.
As you put your hand in mine.
A gentle breeze blows my hair.
I can see in your eyes how much you care.
You brush my lips with a tender kiss.
Oh this is heaven, this is such bliss.
In a list
A contest entry
- Short & Sweet and Really Upbeat {Edit} by HerbalGoat.
300 points, ended March 13, 2007, 24 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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*I'm loving the picture with this!
The feelings you put into this poem were, without a doubt, wonderful. However, I feel that your rhyme was a bit forced, especially in L6, seeing. Also, with your rhyme scheme, meter is important. I would take a bit of a look over that and see what comes about. I know that your meter in L3 is off a smidge. Aside from that, this was a good poem. -
Lovely write, with the perfect picture, sis. How sweet your words of love are, as the flow on satin, from silkened ink. Your love is all powerful and true.
Beautiful!
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Beautifully done, my friend. You took me there with you, you should enter your own contest, for take me away. This would have been a good write for it. Ha! Ha! But it is perfect for this contest, too. Good luck.
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Ahh , you and love and the ocean, always such a wonderful combination!!! This one is so almost perfectly smoothe that i bet you can perfect it in a flash!!! Best of luck in this and all of your endeavors.
Hetohke'e *
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i like the way youve made this poem different by stopping the rhyme mid poem then started it again. the wording is so very lovely, its a lovely poem
laura xx
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