Little bell throats open
to chorus music, vibrates
brick buildings
splotched with rain
sliding voices through the center
of the hush, peeling back
layers of silence
that have built
stones on our tongues.
Night spreads out; moon flowers
and the crickets
join in, keeping time
with the tap-tap
of jazzed feet.
Clouds race
a rising tempo
and we sit, wind in our hair
eyes reflected
in the dark of the sky
that witches words
to float away
into songs of midnight--
it is in the carcass of our love
that we find beauty beyond us.
Author notes
well... suggestions? I think this shall be the end of the silent series. Maybe. It hasn't gotten better... yet.
work-in-progress
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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love it. The whole stones on our tongues got me good. Again you are greatness.
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I should read you more often
What a subtle piece this is. A description of "making love" that is conspicuous in its general lack of "having sex"-ness, and your images are very pleasantly ironic.
It's late and I'm sleep-deprived, but I had to read this three times to really figure out how cool it is, and I think it's because S2 contrasts in texture and voice with the rest of the poem. In particular, passive voice confused me a bit, and I felt like (pardon me while I profess heresy) you might be going for too image-rich. Excellent images, mind, but perhaps they are too close together. To me the stone tongue bit seemed one too many. Since you've used "has" versus "have" in S2L4, I'm assuming the subject of that statement is the corrosion from S1L4, which was the only word that seemed out of place to me there. The rest kicked ass, especially on the second read, when I saw the story beneath the story.
The poem begins with a sentence that lasts nearly 3 stanzas; I think that section would sound smoother (more "macabre," if you will, per your last image) if you chopped it up a bit. I like this:
Little bell throats open
to chorus music that vibrates
brick walls splotched
with years of rain.
Corrosion slides voices
through the center of the
hush, peeling back
layers of silence
that put
stones on our tongues.
Night opens
(etc.)
Overall this poem is pretty darned good, if you ask me. Just needs an incision at this one spot, and then the whole thing will just relax.
Awesome write.
~Morgan
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Thank you...
LOL The second stanza is suppose to be the same subject as the first (bell throats... sliding voices). I think the problem with that lies in the description of the brick wall-- that might be where there is too much. I think corrosion needs to be nixed. Hell, maybe the whole "brick wall" needs to be gotten rid of. Hhhhmmmm.
Has built perhaps should just be builds...
LOL This is why it's a work-in-progress... it needs work.
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The last two lines put this poem in overdrive . . . quite cool . . . and quite an image, putting carcass and love in the same line, but you know, there might be something to that. (nods with approval)
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You know I just finished reading Ariel.. for about the bajillionth time this has a aftertaste, that I can't place but that I like? Does that make sense?
And no I am not being a perv..
LOL
Sending you hot whiskey kisses.
Cat
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Love this one, doll.
It is just perfect from beginning to end...the "bell throats" is fantastic...then the end line around carcass and beauty. Wow@!
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Awesome writing, Meli; very well done! Impressive writing to be sure! Wish you all the very best of everything
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Very Nice
This is a most impressive piece of poetic artwork here Meli. I really enjioyed the flow and the shifting contrast threough out the poem. what really got to me was that raw allure through out the poem which realy grabs ones attention and ya never let it go from there. very much an enjoyable read and very beautifully penned. 
Sincerely, Paul
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:f
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one last try
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it won't let me applaud... grrrrr
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i've been too tired lately to comment much so i just give a smile and applause
i must be tired... i didn't click the applause
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wow.. shit..
well, fuck me. this is beautiful.
Can I come back in a sec when I've edited my poem a little.
Wish I did this when I had writers block..
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