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Written In Blood

Take the peice of paper made of your skin
Go lock the door and let nobody in
Sign away your soul for the price
To be screaming in death and laughing in life

The devil's by your side planting a kiss
He aims for your cheek but you let him miss
Now your lips are forever laced with pain
So you go and pass it on again and again

It can be written in blood as much as you like
It can be made in the day or be made in the night
It doesn't really matter don't you undersatnd
More blood is made everyday by every man
It can be written in blood taken from your heart
That doesn't mean it can just be torn apart
It won't make any difference can't you see
You can't lose anything from a single bleed

Walk outside and wonder what is wrong
You don't feel any difference even with your blood gone
Your soul is crying out for you cannot feel
And the life you now have you know isn't real

Your gaudian angel has just now been set free
She was so distressed that she could barely breathe
Your belief tore her wings and scrashed out her eyes
Now she can't see heaven so she can't rise

It can be written in blood as much as you like
It can be made in the day or be made in the night
It doesn't really matter don't you undersatnd
More blood is made everyday by every man
It can be written in blood taken from your heart
That doesn't mean it can just be torn apart
It won't make any difference can't you see
You can't lose anything from a single bleed

This is not real it's just your fantasy
A strange little story you told to me
I promise you're ok you're intact
For blood cannot seal any kind of pact

It can be written in blood as much as you like
It can be made in the day or be made in the night
It doesn't really matter don't you undersatnd
More blood is made everyday by every man
It can be written in blood taken from your heart
That doesn't mean it can just be torn apart
It won't make any difference can't you see
You can't lose anything from a single bleed

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

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Comments

1 - 5 of 5

  • astralshepherd gold member
    October 16, 2007

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    There is almost no emotional impact here, it is a “tell me” but there is no “ why” The rhymes work but are so very predictable as to be almost detrimental. I could not connect to your content emotionally. Spelling and grammar brought this poem way down but the lack of emotional connectivity was its down fall. I would suggest revisiting your poem and in the course of that rewrite, I think you will find better, more imaginative rhymes as well as what emotions you want conveyed. Thank you for entering the contest, I appreciate your effort and encourage you to keep pressing in and not take the lunatic ramble of an old man as gospel.


    1) Content 5
    2) Originality 6
    3) Flow 7.5
    4) Word choice (vocabulary and/or rhyme) 9
    5) Imagery 5
    6) Grammar 6
    7) Form 8.5
    8) Spelling 3
    9) Emotional Impact 3
    10) Rumination factor (how well does the poem make me ponder) 6


    astralshepherd’s completely subjective total score = 59


  • eating vertigo
    June 22, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This is very good, it's gorey, prehaps not as gorey as I'd have liked, for the fact that you havn't scared me, but it's message and meaning is very deep indeed, I like it very much.

    I like this verse,

    "Your gaudian angel has just now been set free
    She was so distressed that she could barely breathe
    Your belief tore her wings and scrashed out her eyes
    Now she can't see heaven so she can't rise"

    Because it sounds very painful.


    Thanks for entering..
    ~Raven


  • Flightless Raven
    June 15, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Absolutely amazing!

    I don't know if the misspelling of 'scratching' was purposeful or not, but it makes no adverse impact upon the piece's message, i absolutely loved the darkness in this piece, though i must ask, which option did you choose?


  • Raven Tears gold member
    June 15, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    A beautifully dark write.
    The emotions you depicted throughout this write were well spoken and heart-felt.
    This is definitely a write to be proud of.
    Well done and good luck in this contest.
    Love and Light.

    ~Raven Tears~


  • Christa Steiner
    February 24, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    This is very good. I would never have thought of it. I hope you make that into a song.

1 - 5 of 5