(Introducing The Smarty-Pants Clan)
from the city
everything is pretty
when something goes wrong
we don't fix it we just blame each other
speedily
Our pants
none are (supposed to be) frayed
when we spot a loose strand
eyes widening
we holler for the marching band
"Perhaps
By making all this noise
I can shut the other person up."
Its all just a game
irresistible, pointless...
some hearts it maims.
What the hell?
The Smarty-Pants Clan
Go hang yourselves
Go on and tie the noose
I am positive you know the best way of all
to argue I'd be a fool
You are high
You think you're so funny, lowering people
however
you are Terrible persons
Your personality is so tainted with perfectionism
Your soul has fled (withdrawing its humanizing service)
thinking you are poison
So
You can keep your well-rehearsed retorts
For who would bid for them?
Author notes
This piece was inspired by a verbal spat I had with my mother an hour before. I can never win with her. In fact in my family you can't win at all - everybody looks for everybody else's faults. Have you ever felt disgusted with your own blood, your own ancestry, heritage, whatever? I feel like Sirius Black in Harry Potter & The Order Of The Phoenix. Geez.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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i think you have a good start here, but (as you asked for a serious criticism), i noticed a few things that you may want to address.
first of all, the rhyming adds interest, but many of the rhymes sound forced. for instance,
when we spot a loose strand
eyes widening
we holler for the marching band
why would anyone holler for a marching band in a situation like that? i see where you try to support it with "perhaps by making...up" but it still seems a bit too asbtract and distracts the reader from the meaning of the poem.
not to mention, you completely stop rhyming toward the end. it's necessary to decide whether to rhyme, or not to rhyme. a poem needs cohesiveness.
the images are nice, but overall, this poem seems more like a rant than a poem:
"What the hell?"
"Go hang yourselves"
"You think you're so funny, lowering people
however you are Terrible persons"
those lines are just abrasive insults, they don't seem to best convey the ideas you mean to.
"Your personality is so tainted with perfectionism
Your soul has fled (withdrawing its humanizing service)
thinking you are poison
So
You can keep your well-rehearsed retorts
For who would bid for them?" this is definitely the best line in the poem. the language just seems to flow, and this supports the main theme the best. the rest of the poem to this point seems confusing and angry, and nothing else. nowhere near as developed as the ideas in these last lines.
punctuation would better serve this poem than line breaks.
a good write, nice job.
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