Seeking perfection, in every size and form
striving, desiring
always wanting things better, yearning for more.
The vicious cycle infinatly churning
chewing us up, ejecting us out
deceiving our consumer driven minds.
Leaving us all high and dry....
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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this is truly lovely! i want to hug it until it pops with passion, but i can not do that for i would have to mop the floor then and i do not wish to get up from my chair and clean passion from the floor. but i digress, yes, it is truly beautiful writing that sends out wonderful images for the reader to enjoy! you have fashioned a fine poem (like a brooch onto my heart) that i appreciate so much.
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Excellent write
Yearning for more and for our dollar getting less
Working hard all our life so the taxes and utilities makes us all lock key kids with only hope left
Each day hoping something worth the money will come along yet finding nothing thats not made here isnt worth the bother
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why are you seeking perfection you haveit in your words you always have
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BRAVO BRAVO
isnt that how it is alwayswanting more i want more cause i dont have enough but i find what my problem is is i want what i can not have a terrific write -
Thank you all for all the awesome feedback i have recieved thus far!! It has been really helpfull and inspiring.. i think my muse has returned for a while at least.
ss -
intensely insightfull to me
i give this three applauses only because there isnt the option of more than three! you put into words nearly exactly how i feel, how i have felt, how i will continue to feel throughout this seemingly sordid play that is but "act one" in the "play" of life that my soul is sentenced to... the last three lines in particular strike me as intensely insightfull into the true reality that few people seem to notice as of late. the first three lines echo the emptiness that i feel but am unable to put into words; it seems to me that the languages i speak didnt consider these echoes as they were being created. to describe love, light and need is the poets greatest frustration; there are no words to fill the space created by the word "longing" ya know... i once wrote in a poem posted here that "only by the light of ourselves together can this doomed dynasty of aloneness be broken." that is the closest that i have been able to describe the empty, the missing, the void that i cannot quite explain to anyone. if you choose to add to this poem i am certain that it will only make a great write a better one; but more importantly- it might feed me what it is that i need, the answer...
when all is said and done- i dont know shit, am just me; sentenced to live and condemned to remember the hell that i alone must cary each day. i really like this write and look forward to possibly seeing the additional lines if you write them!
-dev
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To be truthful, I enjoyed it as it is. I think you are doing great and if you add to it, it will just be better.
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hmm, i hate giving these opinions... i always feel like i am going to tear (you other poets) peices to shreds when i know that mine are not that good to begin with.
First the meter is kind of awkward. (you can seperate the two clauses on line three, that may help.) You use ryme well. but just remember that is not the only literary technique that can be used
Instead of ejecting us out it could be "rejecting us"
that whole line could be changed to utalize a more poetic type vocabulary
Of course i am not the poet of this, i would write it differently
I hope this helps your muse revisit you
(i changed it quite a bit, taking the line always wanting things better out just because in my opinion it didn't sound right.))
I may not have the right to tear your poetry up like this... But i just thought it may help a little to get soem constructive criticism -
This is a really good beginning I truely love it alot
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Wow this is deep. I really like it. Well done, well said. I love the line-
always wanting things better, needing more.
This would be me.
Great write.
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Wow...it isn't finished yet? It's wonderful, even if it isn't finished. Keep it going!
<3 Elia -
I love what you have so far.... I will try and come back and read it again when it's finished..But to tell ya the truth, it's pretty good just the way it is...
Take care....
Dusty
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