I feel the rhythm in my heart, drowning out the beat.
All I feel is sweat and the instincts in my feet.
It's like a drum beats within me and it never seems to stop.
And only through my dancing is the beat within unlocked.
It's like a legend in the stories, my mother used to tell
About the golden age of heroes who triumphed and fell.
I'm determined not to fall, I won't lose my pace.
I'll keep up with the best keeping a smile on my face.
I know I'll keep on dancing, you should keep up, too.
Keep that smile on your face, and let the music take flight in you.
A contest entry
- Short & Sweet and Really Upbeat {Edit} by HerbalGoat.
300 points, ended March 13, 2007, 24 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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This is a sweet, tender poem you have written. I like your simile in L3. "Its like a drum beats withim me." Beautiful.
Some revision pointers:
L2 - "intincts" to 'instincts'
L7 - "I'm determined not TO fall"
L9 - comma between "dancing" and "you" -
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haha, thanks, and I fixed them
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this was really good! very happy and upbeat, it made me feel like having a little dance.
I think the beat to this works really well, and it is very easy to read. I like the subject too - having a good dance really is liberating!
Good luck in the contest, a great entry in my mind!
Webber
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Nice, snappy little number you have here. I was checking out the other contest entries, and I wouldn't really mind getting beat by this one. The flow stumbled a little... but thats a terribly subjective thing. It never sounds in your head just as it sounds to others. Best wishes in the contest!
Good luck in your future works.
~Das -
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Thank you, and i know what you mean by the flow in like two of my sentences. I'll probably fix that up eventually. Good luck to you, too! =]
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I love this....
I've been in such a crappy mood....and this just seriously made me smile... made me feel like turnin' on some jams and dancing...
Great write...
xox
Heidi -
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awww, thank you so much.
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What poem did you write in my previous contest?
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I wrote 'Sometimes I Wake Up'
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