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Rain clouds

Paralyzed, paralyzed
Mentally unstable
Paralyzed, paralyzed
Not even able
To control myself when in this state
A mood of fear you’ll grow to hate.

Wafting through the warm dank air
Anxiety and ill-directed despair
Slowing down my beating heart
Paralyzed, paralyzed
Movement has ceased
Paralyzed, paralyzed
As I am chased

A cover on, is it inside out?
Which way is this to come from?
Untimely discipline I’m paying the price
It is, however fatally precise

Paralyzed, paralyzed
This room closes in
Paralyzed, paralyzed
Sweat on my chin
Explosions above, unable to move
Stars race down what have I to prove?

I’ll be crushed by this mounting pressure
My exit not far away
But paralyzed, here I stay
As thunder increases, nothing to breathe
Rain clouds sink over me
Paralyzed, paralyzed
Just leave me in this room
Paralyzed, paralyzed
Or your life will be lost too.

Close to death, a fire starts
Close to death, here come the stars
My impending end is oh so near
And I just can’t help but cheer
This end has been coming for so long
And I’ve been trapped
Paralyzed, paralyzed
I’ll finally burn
Paralyzed, paralyzed

Author notes

For Contest - Poem fits well into Option #2
AP Name - Trent plus pen



I'm sick of all these rubbish "cut cut, woe is me" suicide poems.

I wanted to write something that actually portrayed suicide in a more realistic manner.

Without giving too much away... this poem is about a paralyzing depression that can often leave people in bed for days on end. They cannot see a reason to get up.

One of the first poems I ever wrote, and I still consider it my favourite... I really appreciate critique - so please give me some feedback!

Peace and Respect,
Trent

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

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Comments

1 - 15 of 15

  • Symphony
    September 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Hey there,

    I loved the 'beat' that came with this one, driving it along; worked really well for me! Repetition was a good choice in this case; nice job!


  • FallenFromGrace1102
    September 3, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    great write. this was really interesting keep up the awesome work. i really enjoyed reading this i wish you the best of luck in my contest and thank you for entering this piece. my favorite lines are:

    "Paralyzed, paralyzed
    Mentally unstable
    Paralyzed, paralyzed
    Not even able
    To control myself when in this state
    A mood of fear you’ll grow to hate."

    *~*bee*~*

  • kales4
    July 6, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Thank you for entering my contest. I really enjoyed your comparison of being paralyzed and being depressed. Sometimes the numb feeling can be the worst. And it can be better to feel pain then to feel nothing. Great write and good luck


  • onesugar gold member
    June 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Depression can be extremely paralizing indeed. Often leaving the suffer feeling that death is the only option. This was very well written and thought provoking.
    Thank you for entering and good luck
    ~sugar~


  • Play-A-War
    June 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Good write!

    This was very well written... Expressing really strong emotions so well. The flow was good.

    Thanks for entering.

    Good luck


  • BarbedWireButterfly
    July 18, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    interesting. this poem would bring people to think very deeply and consider many circumstances. the language and emtion are good and so is the repetition. thank you for entering and good luck


  • Blue Rew silver member
    July 8, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    There is a strong message here. Those that give-up on life...too fearful of the commitment needed to live life; yes, these are paralyzed people. They are defeated, overwelmed...sometimes by the very things/people that should give them support & the desire to go on. a couple of constructive (I hope) suggestions:
    "hear I stay" should be "here"
    "As thunder increases, nothing to breathe"
    The thunder and the breathing to me don't relate.
    So it seemed to slow the pace for me here as I wanted to make this line compatible...maybe something like:
    "As spaces increase, nothing to breathe"
    sort of a contrasting showing that it's not the surroundings but only that which is internal that is really being felt at all; all else closed-off. Blue

    • Trent plus pen
      July 8, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      Awesome

      Thanks heaps for the constructive critisism, theyre the best comments to get because they help you to improve.
      1) I can't believe myself, or no-one else has ever noticed that blatant spelling mistake I made with "hear" which was meant to be "here". So ive fixed that one up straight away haha.
      2) The thunder line was a strange one, but when I wrote the poem I remember trying to create a certain image. The symbolism behind the thunder increasing and having nothing to breathe means - all these terrible things getting worse and as this increases there is less will to live (less oxygen to breathe). The image was suppossed to show the energy from the thunder eating up all the oxygen in his room.

      Again, I really appreciate the critisism, it will only make me stronger.
      Thanks!
      Trento


  • silent bee
    April 7, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    i liked the poem. it fits depression, although i do *somewhat* have to disagree with the author's notes in a way. i have been in and out of depression for a very long time! and its not what you sometimes hear those who *cut* and tell everybody about it say why they do it (my parents yell at me, my bf left me, etc)...i have cut myself, i won't lie...i have been in an abusive relationship where i was also raped, i got over that though for the most part...i am depressed now, but thankfully i haven't done anything to my body in awhile. i lie around with such emotional pain, i can't even stand to be around my sister and my nephew or my other friends and their children because i get so mad, angry and hurt inside, knowing that my fiance and i will probably never be able to have a child of our own. also i get so sick of the physical pain i am in, and the surgeries and so forth...i tend to keep to myself at home. thanks to my fiance, i am still here pushing along. as i have said, i have taken razors to my skin before. it was not for attention. it made me feel better at the time. not in the long run, but for the moment the pain kinda stopped. nobody knew, except one person who eventually found out...i never intended for anybody i was close to to know. i never wanted attention. it wasn't about that. and i never recieved attention from it...with some people i do believe that is true, but not with all. people handle their pain and the sadness inside of them in many different ways, so it is not right of anybody to say that "oh you aren't depressed...you don't fit the category"...i am not trying to offend you, i just wanted to make the point that it isn't just attention seeking.

    i relate to this poem also, considering that i don't get out of bed or leave my house sometimes for days...i can't do it. i don't want to be around people, and sometimes i feel they are just out to tear me down...and you have expressed the feelings so well in this piece.

    • Trent plus pen
      April 8, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      I did say "generally do" as there are always exceptions.
      I'd have preffered some constructive critisism on my poetry rather than you giving your life story, but thanks for taking the time out to read my poetry and comment it.
      Appreciate it.
      Trent.


  • Gasp
    April 7, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    very well written and i love it,this is a great peice! thx for entering my contest

    ~keep writing~

    ~crazy~

  • LaurenLightning--x
    March 18, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Hmm..

    This poem is fantastic. It gives off a very strong message, and is filled with emotion.
    I love the way you repeat the word paralyzed. I also love the rhyming in this poem!! Very well done.
    The lines :

    Just leave me in this room
    Paralyzed, paralyzed
    Or your life will be lost too.

    Because they really show how bad the depression is.

    Thank you for entering and Good Luck!!! =]


  • tawk gold member
    February 27, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Wow what a different kind of poem. So full of emotion. I so loved reading it. Good luck in my contest


  • Myth Of Twilight
    February 22, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    a tastful poem a rill peace of work i liked it alot and good luck in my contest

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