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spires (ghazal #127)


let's twine our roots beneath the world together
until we rise against the wind together

let's turn and reach to gather shades of light
with countless long thin leaves that wave together

let's make a bed beneath our outstretched limbs
shaded by the dreams we weave together

let's draw clear waters from the hidden earth
and breathe them out as vapors washed together

let's share the sounds of creaks and faint cicadas
their rhythmic songs like magic wound together

let's shelter soft brown trails among the fern
where lovers holding hands may walk together

let's filter daylight from the open skies
through daydreams spun like amber webs together

 

 

Author notes

to learn more about the ghazal: http://allpoetry.com/column/784848

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Comments

1 - 26 of 26

  • michichoeret
    January 6, 2008
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    beautiful

    totally loved "bed shaded by dreams we weave together". did not like "lovers walking holding hands". I think that's kind of snooping on others' privacy.


  • ktothecarro
    December 26, 2007
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    mmmmm

    so, so dreamy. first stanza's excellent. normally im not very into nature type stuff, but maybe you've changed my mind. serene and beautiful poem.

  • Laughing Astarael
    December 11, 2007
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    Refreshing

    How weary I was becoming of the usual teenage fare.

    This evokes a certain serenity that cannot be achieved alone. This fusion of the emotional and natural world is nothing less than beautiful.


  • Grateful
    November 25, 2007

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    it is a beautiful ghazal. i am a big fan of your Ghazals. By reading the first couplet i thought you set the rhyming pattern "d" as a Monorhyme and "together" as a Refrain, but that was not the case. i may be looking for a traditional form as Ghazals are being written in Farsi, Urdu, Hindi, Punjabi, Gujarati, and Marathi. you certianly have the natural talent towards the Ghazal.
    "let's draw clear waters from the hidden earth
    and breathe them out as vapors washed together"
    i really liked this couplet. you know very well how to capture the emotional essence within the couplet.
    i am also learning how to write a Ghazal in English. i do have three Ghazals "inflame", "Eyes" and "Within" on my web page. i really enjoyed this ghazal.
    all the best - sukhdarshan


  • crazziladi
    November 8, 2007

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    hope you have a special someone to do these things together with. This is another very descriptive poem I like it very much. Again I like how the reader should be able to place themselves in your poetic arms and enjoy. You sound like someone that I once dated and he wanted to build us a cabin and be hermits of nature. How different my life would be now lol. I look forward to reading more of your beautiful art work!!!

  • eleanor123
    October 16, 2007
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    beautiful

    One of those poens that just absorbs you. Dont normally like repitition, but works well here with the theme of nature.

  • Tablet Of Essence
    July 5, 2007
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    very nice

    leaves one wanting more....thanks for the morning read.

  • Bhabani
    July 3, 2007
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    its the most beautiful of the beautiful writes i have come across in some time. I liked it so much... its so rich in its feel and in the text.... I loved everybit of it.
    As such I am a great fan of ghazals...The original ones mostly in urdu...

    Keep it up!!
    May God bless you.


  • Abv. 01101001
    July 2, 2007
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    Mother Nature presented at its best through the words of a human. I'm left breathless...wordless... In a dream?

    I'd like to die in such a place.


  • yassmin
    June 16, 2007

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    impossible dreams can seem reachable as soon as yr heart beat just like Bryan Adams song when u love someone u touch the moon reach z stars exactly it's this way when u love u'd feel like it's just u n yr love n u'd wish to do everything possible or impossible even to please yr love,great write,bravo


  • Raazi
    May 30, 2007
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    I've already read and commented on this one. And loved it as much this time as I did on the last occasion.


  • ibsons hysops
    May 27, 2007

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    wow, mow this is obviously a terrific write you have penned here dear writer!!!! You have a very awsomed natural talent with this one!!!! Every line and stanza of this work is great!


  • Papyrus
    May 15, 2007

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    Ok, so this is deffinately about trees and lovers. lol. or something like that. I did love the imagery. As you described the many aspects of a tree, I saw what you were describing (sky above and earth below).
    Not bad. I like both lines (or 3) of the first stanza, but it seems almost to cliche.

    ...lol, trees symbolizing lovers, a great analogy, lol

    -Thanx, Papyrus


  • Titus gold member
    May 13, 2007
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    This I feel, evolved around an old tree that had been felled, and an autum feel about it, as the vapours of cold exploring much here for us, I liked this observation piece!!! You speak as if not human, but from the insect world itself, (I assume)


  • nell
    April 29, 2007

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    I usually find this form confusing and quite an intereference to the content but you have written it well and in a way that still holds vividity and meaning. your wording, and the metaphors are magicial. they sweep you up and take you for a journey that makes you quite humble in their beauty

    have a wonderful day
    Shanelle


  • Kalima
    April 24, 2007

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    That was just amazing and left me speechless! I'm not much of a ghazal writer, but this hit the spot! Very sweet poem. I may have one ghazal poem, I think. Keep it up! Stacey:

  • Raazi
    April 4, 2007

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    Greetings Erin. I have always appreciated your efforts in writing ghazals in English. Though without a doubt, they are more beautiful in Urdu and Persian, nevertheless, a great job done here. The essence of a ghazal lies in playing with words. This has been done very well. The word you chose for repeating..."together", was indeed a very good choice. It makes a very good impression.
    I was wondering if the penname missing in the last couplet is intentional..some say that using the penname there is not a compulsion, but I am still not sure. Could you please clarify? Also, did I miss the internal rhyme, or is it again not there, for some reason?

    I congratulate you for this ghazal. Each couplet is a beautifully woven masterpiece. I especially loved the first couplet. Very intricate. Well done.


  • Elfin
    March 20, 2007

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    Hello Erin, yet once again you introduce me to a new form, one more that I must try for myself.You have inspired my work so much that I could never thank you enough. Each poem of yours that I read, opens another door of my imagination, this one being no exception.
    Yet another beautiful piece, my friend, that I would not deem myself worthy of critiquing. Thankyou for sharing, I will now go and read about the ghazal. Val


  • Summer Breeze
    March 13, 2007

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    Excellent

    Spires are much the inspiration of an epic poem and have been major fixtures in epic romances and nature’s glory but much in this poems growth indicates nature is your subject and well is it written. Much like the cycle of the moon or birth and deaths growth and awe and traits much inspiriting in themselves.

    The first great indicator that the growth of a ‘tree’ here is written in the first couplet, the imagery of roots intertwining below and springing up against the wind together is very well perceived. Much like seedling that burrow down to moisture and rise up to meet the challenge of the world.

    In terms of the images and slight change in words might have been better concerning couplet’s two and three:

    let's turn and reach to gather shades of light
    with countless long thin leaves that [weave] together

    let's make a bed beneath [our(Remove?)] outstretched limbs
    shaded by the dreams we [interlace] together

    Notice how I switched ‘weave’ from couplet three to two and replaced the third couplets ‘weave’, with ‘interlace’ to save repeating the same word over. Also ‘our’ seems one word too many for the third couplets first line.

    That said the second couplet is very good in showing how once broken free of the earth the new ‘tree’ grows towards the sunlight. The third couplet takes a slightly metaphorical turn and ascribes to it joining its other compatriots in nature, I thought of a forest with a young seedling catching a few stray rays and growing to reach the canopy above.

    The fourth:

    let's draw clear waters from the hidden earth
    and breathe them out as vapours washed [together]-(Breaks the flow abit)

    The fourth has a slight flow interruption but it is easily avoided by ignoring the last word of the second line refrain. It is very clear in its showing of drawing water from the ground and releasing it bursts of new height. A small mote point, water from the earth is often not clear but cleared (extracted) by its actual extraction from the ground bellows elements.

    Couplets Five/Six:

    let's share the sounds of creaks and faint cicadas
    their rhythmic songs like magic wound together

    [let](Un-needed ‘’s’ shelter[ed] soft brown trails among the fern[s]
    where lovers holding hands may walk together

    The couplets five to six seem to skip from the actual natural aspect to its effect and veiled majesty on lovers and peripherally link back to the roots intertwining line previous.

    The final couplet is excellent is combining the natural and metaphorical, that being the sunlight aspect of the fern and ‘through daydreams spun like amber webs together’, which seems to indicated the romantic nature of ferns/forests/woods.

    Very enjoyable poem…


  • Logik
    March 9, 2007
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    Beautiful.

    This is simply amazing so indepth and so beautifully written, even so simply done it is really touching. The first time i have heard of a Ghazal, but this has inspired me so much.
    Thank you so much for sharing this with us.


  • layla.
    March 2, 2007

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    *bows*

    I came to comment on your poems after a long time. I am sorry for that. You always inspired me, now I am inspired to write a Ghazal of my own. This is an amazing form, sustaining incredible(beautiful) imagery. You really know how to write well.

    Let's pen and ink the paper of muse
    to share that mysticism of poetry world together

    ...
    well, I know corny lines, but I was just trying to go on with the flow!
    Sorry!
    ~Madd


  • th3sl4y3r
    February 22, 2007

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    the word together is weaved so well into this poem... I love the way you have used 'let's' as the first word of each stanza, you have used excellent wording.. you can really feel the togetherness..... I love this line the most....
    "let's filter daylight from the open skies
    through daydreams spun like amber webs together"
    beautifully put, well done!!


  • grannyeri gold member
    February 22, 2007

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    Have written only two of these wonderful forms of poetry, but think I might try another one after reading yours - lovely words you have penned here - wondrous images as well.


  • yourbentangel
    February 22, 2007

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    I think that I am having a love affair with your poetry, each one affects me in a different way, good or bad I cannot wait until the next one comes out. I think that makes a great poet, the profound effect that you can have with the way the thoughts that you have in your head come out in the form of words.
    Ahhhh.. Hurry and write another one Erin!

  • Kay Laon Anders
    February 21, 2007

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    Beautiful

    My favorite: lets draw clear waters from the hidden earth and breathe them out as vapors washed together..
    It is like you and the words are one ....now I sound like a hippy..lol...I don't think I am a big fan of the Ghazal but you make it something special....this reminded me of my boyfriend..lol..now I have to call him Mr. Thomas you fart..great flowing wonderful beautiful write...

    (wanted to see how many of those words i could put together without making it weird..lol..)

    KAY


  • Molassis
    February 21, 2007

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    This is a beautiful poem Zahhar, full of sweet love... the kind of love that is nice, pure and innocent...

    You painted a picture for me of 'oneness' that I found quite nice... the weaving of nature throughout this piece intertwines with the love two people share to paint a vivid, soft scene... very graceful and full of passion.

    For me, what I like most about your poetry is the way you paint nature, you seem to capture the inner essence and make the earth come alive, make it beautiful and living...

    something that I cannot do.

    An exquisite piece Zahhar.

    ~Melissa

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