covered in
smoke-screen
screaming
butterflies of snow
dive to catch
sinking dreams
wind surges like fire
(or fire like wind)
spitting and burning
colourless cheeks
eyes hollowed
hope crumbled
at the end of
the day I am
ash in the street.
Author notes
Inspired by the contest. I got something for it eventually.
I find it hard to write about non-personal feelings (and I daresay it shows, too). I envy poets who can write amazing poetry about world-wide issus.
In a list
A contest entry
- Look deep Inside - 25 lines or less by Cupcrazy.
450 points, ended February 21, 2007, 17 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Critical comments are most welcome.
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Excellent
Truly enjoyed the visual effect of this poem. Your desriptions were so vivid.
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Thank you thank you.
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This is not my favorite from you. I like it less than the others I've read tonight, but I don't know why. Maybe it's the length. Either way, great job!
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It is at once difficult and simple to critique short works... on one hand one has so few words to consider, on the other, one has so few words to consider.
The best I can say about this piece is that the wind like fire (or fire like wind) connects wonderfully to the last line. The poem would indeed not be the same without it.
The butterflies of snow line lost me... while I liked the sinking dreams idea... and the face it puts on the poem, those butterflies are obnoxious.... like a pregnant pause preceeding an abortion.
Good luck in your future works. :-)
~Das
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Thank you for this lovely comment. I know what you mean about the butterflies part - I'll see what I can do. Your opinions are much appreciated.
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A very wonderful piece, loved the form and flow and the thoughts expressed with truth and emotion. Thank you for this fine entry. Hugs, Bunny
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Thanks for a great contest and a great comment too.
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