xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Author notes
if I was rich, the first stanza would be in italics.
oh, and I like thunder... so
A contest entry
- 2 hrs: freewrite by Melissa Gayle.
300 points, ended February 20, 2007, 10 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Hungry for a real critique? by Danna Hobart.
700 points, ended April 11, 2007, 33 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Best Quickie Contest (prewrites only) by MuddyKing.
1200 points, ended July 23, 2007, 6 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
under construction, I'm sure
Comments
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nice poem you have penned here.
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Here's something I haven't seen out of you in awhile, a more darker toned piece. I have to admit, I miss those. After all, that was what attracted to me to your work in the first place.
At some point you found lighter colors to play in, and you wrote them well, but here is where I know. So it's mostly what I associate best with. Of course, I was always fond of winter as an analogy anyways so that was an immediate on.
You have a good solid flow in this and nearly a singular clear cut metaphor from top to bottom. The first handful of lines are a little disconnected from the rest of the piece but not overly noticeable. Since I know you're seeking to make your work sound proof for print, I thought it proper to tell you. Though giving your comments in the author notes of the other poem, I'm not sure how receptive to them, you are.
This is a good piece though Meli. Not my favorite, but that one I put on my author page.
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I like the poem itself. Just not it's structure. I'm a stanza fanatic, so block forms like this give me an itch in the back of my throat.
Stanzas, at least I think, would help this poem flow better. But then again it's really a personal decision for the author to make.
However that isn't the only thing that I found a bit off. I also think that some of your lines continue on a bit too long.
This too might be something you could work on. Cutting down on the unnecessary "filler" words and ideas that only stretch your poem out longer than it needs to go.
As is this piece is already quite good with an emotional impact that makes the reader remember the poem after they read it.
The main problems I see are mostly technical. Things a lot of people might not pay any attention to. But I'm a perfectionist and spend a lot of time on each poem I write working to make it the best it can be, so when I comment I analyze whatever I am reading with intense scrutiny.
I could sit down and go through each line, pointing out everything I see that doesn't feel right, but because this poem is written in block form, I think that would be more damaging than helpful.
Giving you are general idea of areas that I think could use work, seems better because it allows you to go back (if you decide to at all) without the baggage of someone else completely revising your poem for you before you even touch it.
I hope I have been helpful. And if you would like me to be more specific about what lines and words I specifically wasn't fond of, I am more than willing to critique this further.
Have a nice day.
- Kenneth
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In truth... I appreciate your critique but I disagree. I do believe that you are reading from a minimalistic writer's eyes and it doesn't mesh well.
As for the block stanza... cutting this down into separate stanzas isn't needed, as the same metaphor (basically) runs through the whole poem. There is no introduction of different metaphors beyond the (winter) one that this poem is completely centered around. Should this of been a longer poem, perhaps stanzas would be needed to keep attention... but this is only 31 lines (including intro).
"Filler words"... there are a few words here that could be cut out without ruining the "conversational" feel of the poem... and at 2 or 3 words I don't believe it makes much of a difference.
I do appreciate you stopping in and giving your thoughts, though. I hope you have an enjoyable weekend.
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I am glad that you took the time to read my critique and even though you didn't agree, it's good to see a poet who knows what they want out of their poem and who holds strong on defending how they wrote it.
Thanks for the reply.
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Awesome - yet again!
Congratulations on all the gold!! This is a very deserving poem!!!
(If I were rich, I'd be sailing into a warmer climate.)
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Thank you. This is one of the few pieces I've written lately that I like...
(If I was really rich... I'd be sailing with ya.
)
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This really is a remarkable piece! Sensual, and so vivid with unique imagery.. You sure did well with pushing away the clichés. I like the contrast of the cold weather and the warmth of making love. And hats off to you on the image of lawsuits.
Well done, truly deserved the gold!
Thanks for sharing!
Bookmarked!
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I can't think of a single thing I would change about this. It is brilliant, and I am completely jealous of some of these lines. This is the kind of poem that makes me want to be a better writer. Thanks for entering it. If I do think of a suggestion, I will let you know, but for now, I am simply awe struck.
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I bookmarked it YOU TRULY DESERVED THE GOLD!
phew... Was that loud
~Madd
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It's you, it's what keeps me coming back to you, it's simply what I wish I could write. Congrats on the well deserved GOLD
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gorgeous
I loved this. I always try and put those kind of emotions into words, and all that seems to come out is nonsensical pain-associated rubbish. drat.
but you, however, have captured this beautifully. a very well deserved gold- fantastic
~ C ~
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Incredible!
This is one Incredible poem here dear sweet poetic friend Meli. I really really really loved the unique methaphors through out the poem. Example this fine line:
how my skin is cherry flavored
beneath the frost of my statements.
How a breeze flutters warm beyond my steps.
How you can hold your body close enough
to feel the idea of spring unfurling.
Those lines I really loved because the imagintion addede to those particular lines really made this poem come alive and I really enjoyed it. Keep up the Grrrrrrrrrrrreat work and congrats on Gold as you deserved it. Sincerely, Paul
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Fantastic... I first read it wrong and thought Anasuya wrote it and thought... "that doesn't sound like her" but I love her stuff too... it's just different. Then, when I read it again and saw your name I thought... "that makes more sense".
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LOL
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This is rich. It is full bodied and just fantastic, seriously it is just that strong.
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thank you
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holy cow woman... how could this not win?
i felt intense betrayal... coldly intense. this is what i am trying to write but can't
seriously...
this is in my list of favorites by AP poets
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Thank you for the honor of being in your list of favorites.
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WOW
I am in awe of this poem and you know what? I so wish I had your ability to scream out in angst the way I feel sometimes....but I keep it all inside until one day I may combust.....right now, that doesnt seem so bad
Love your words always, my dearest..
Lynda
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You should try it. You'll like it.
Rage against it. It feels good. Yup.
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I would give you my italics if I could.
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Aw!
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you are so rich hun - rich in talent and words and imagery, and this poem is cold and hot and very well written
elaine
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Oh! I could just grab you up and huggle you!
Thank you.
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