snip, it flows down so gracefully
touching her skin like a sweet elixir
she tries to keep it off her clothes
she knows it'll change how they see her
snip, the scissors so brightly shine
she smiles, it makes her hot
she has not even tried to
but she knows that she cannot stop
she's needed this for so long
she planned out everything
she picked up the scissors and sat down
not knowing what they would bring
now if you have stayed with me
I'll say the world's not fair
you thought she was slitting her wrists
when she was actually cutting her hair
Author notes
much luv~
shadowed
A contest entry
- Ordinary World~ by Blkwidow77.
450 points, ended March 4, 2007, 38 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Critique your heart out!!!! I beg of you to!!!!
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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Hello and welcome to my contest. Being that the contests are now 'blind' and I don't know who wrote them, I can no longer read people's poetry and note their progress from one contest to the next. Also, I will then need to use my disclaimer part of reviews, for those who have never recieved a review before, as I don't know if you're new or not. (unless I happen to recognize your style of writing and know who it is)
You're welcome to put your name in your author notes, if you're one of the ones that likes me to note your progress in your writing.
"The original disclaimer":
~I feel it necessary to tell people unaccustomed to me, a little something about my personality. And that is, I'm inclined to be bluntly honest. Not mean, just straight forward about the impressions your piece left me with and suggestions I might have. You are not obligated to change a thing. But it is always wise to at least take them into consideration.~
That being said, let's move onto your piece. I have to admit, this is a really cute piece. I read the first line and thought, 'oh no, one of those kinds of poems', but by the third line I laughed because I could see what you were doing with this poem and it's was just you being cheeky. Very cute. I liked it.
On the critical side, there are two things that came to mind when I read this. One was, you might lean a little heavier on the images. And watch how many 'she's' you use. There are a lot of places where you don't really need it, and that word gets a very large work out here.
The second thing is, I know you want to clarify that it's not about cutting in the last four lines, but I really think you should consider removing them. A smart person would be able to figure out, and doesn't want to be told anyways, because it kind of ruins it for them. And if you want to clarify it so bad, maybe put those last four lines in the author note or something? Just food for thought.
Either way, thanx for coming to play~
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what?
ok you lost me there. -
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Erm... it is supposed to make you think that you are reading a suicide poem, when it's just about a girl cutting her hair. lol!
much luv~
shadowed
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You really caught me off guard there, very clever.I think there are a couple of typo's but maybe it is just the different Country spellings, I'm not sure.
Line 5 scissors
Line 7 tried
Line 13 should read - now if you have "borne" with me
Line 14 world's
Other than those, I think that you have done a terrific job here, it's well written and humerous, with those typo's fixed it stands a good chance in the contest. Well done and good luck. Val.
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Thankyou for the suggestions!
I'll see if I can fix that!!
much luv~
shadowed
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I like it...the sense of drama
here is great and shows the skills and imagination of the writer very well
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thanx!!!
I love happy clapping smileys!!!!!
much luv~
shadowed
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Wow I really liked this, you had the feeling going at the beginning that made it sound so much like a person who was truely upset but then you made a turn, and then you go back and read it again and you get a whole new feeling.
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Thankyou!!
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