Whispers of love
fluttering across my heart,
the strong winds of desire
embracing my soul.
Floating on breezes of constancy,
I bloomed.
A fitful hint
of a cooling draught
began to blow,
tossing my open heart
into your gale force;
icy blasts chilled.
Now a lone autumn leaf.
once alive,
is swirled by icy gusts
across the rough and tumble
of this jagged, crumpled core.
This essence churns
around eddies of anonymity
A contest entry
- I Summon The Wind by Touchof1der.
650 points, ended February 26, 2007, 24 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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This is merely a suggestion based on my own personal style and way of writing poetry, but I try to avoid using the same word twice, especially in the same stanza because it can create a state of redundancy. In the first stanza you have used the word "love" twice. I'm thinking perhaps you could change the second one to something like "passion". Also you use the "ed" form of flutter meaning it has already occured but the "ing" form of embrace meaning it's happening now... this creates a contradiction of past and present tense. Does this make sense? For instance, I would probably rework this a little, using just the first stanza as an example...
whispers of love
flutter across my heart,
strong winds of passion
embrace my soul
floating on breezes of
constancy,
I bloom
As you can see, all it needs is some very minor tweaking here and there to create a consistency in meaning. Is it here and now or is it past tense? That's for you to decide.
All of that aside. I love this. I love the thought, the imagery and the emotions it stirs within me personally. You have created a beautiful aura with your words.
Thank you for taking the time and effort to enter my contest. Good luck!
♥ Touchof1der
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Very well done! Outstanding use of freeverse and metaphor. A very lovely summoning of the wind. Your writing style is very wide spread, which makes it all the better.
Great work!
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Wow absolutly superb as i have alredy told you you have a wonderful free verse style I love the metaphores and power in this piece. Truly beautiful.
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wow, i agree this is lovely... your words are simply put, beautiful! i love reading love poems, because i myself can't write them, however they shed a little hope that love does exist...thank you for that! keep up the great work and good luck in the contest!
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A lovely poem, well done and good luck in the contest. Val
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wonderful words
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