The awful truth that lies within,
reaching deep within your soul.
Eating away like a carnal sin,
infecting your mind, taking its toll.
Reaching deep within your soul,
false images resonate through your head.
Infecting your mind, taking its toll,
you lay alone, crying in your bed.
False images resonate through your head,
with every lie, you hold your breath.
You lay alone, crying in your bed,
hiding behind a smile, wishing for death.
With every lie, you hold your breath,
you still can't find what keeps you sane.
Hiding behind a smile, wishing for death,
all that is left, has become your pain.
You still can't find what keeps you sane,
eating away like a carnal sin.
All that is left, has become your pain,
the awful truth that lies within...
Author notes
Form used Pantoum
http://shadowpoetry.com/resources/wip/types.html
In a list
A contest entry
- I want you to make me feel it! by unanswered.
450 points, ended March 7, 2007, 29 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 20 of 20
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I liked it...I was looking for more emotion but i still liked this write. Good luck in the contest
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Outstanding pantoum and well used. I can see the Evanescence inspiration as well. Thanks for the link. It was very powerful but then you normally have power in your writes.
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Oh my god, This took my breath away, I have felt this exact way before. and it consmed me. I am just starting to escape it. Great Great work you are one of my favorites
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ok that makes it a bit more ok...lol this is a great write. i hope i can do the form as well as what you have
cheers
Jen
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99
Techically, wonderful...now I feel like I keep repeating myself..lol. I happen to like how you circled the last stanza bck to the first. Angst poetry is not one of my faves but you did an excellent job. -
Well lil brother, for someone who doesn't like forms much you certainly have done all those presented before youwith such wonderment and awe. You instill through oyur words such imagery that intrigues the reader to continue reading. Also as Genie pointed out in such a form as this where the lines repeat, having weak lines would not be a good thing and you surely have none that I can see within here. I can see nothing of major critiquing needed here within this piece.
Excellent!
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the pain and anger over flows before me.
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great write. Very strong in flow.I really liked this one. good luck
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Great poem! The pain with this form is that there can be no weak lines as all of them will repeat. You must have taken that into consideration when writing because everything is strong and fits nicely together. Great work!
s ~Genie~
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Beautiful
Wow this is such a great piece. I mean such pain and anguish! I can feel all the anger and pain you have. this is a great piece. It allows you to feel what you are portraying in this poem. Great Write!!!
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hmmmm, something to pander on, this is a very interesting poem, i like it, it got to that part of me, no one should ever see, keep it flowing
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Wow. this was incredible and deep..I really enjoyed reading this and you did amazing on the form. Very, very well done!!
Kari
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Wow what an excellent poem. I loved it. What evanescence song were you listening to? Just want to know what inspired such a great poem.
~kitten~
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thank you very much, I was listening to a mix of their songs..a good portion though was inspired by Haunted...
**Ktulu Blackwolfe**
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This is really good, I like it very much
Thank you for sharing this with us
I love you
Elizabeth
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This totally rocks, my friend! Very well done! Love reading your poetry!
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stunned
Wow, Uncle!! you did a kickass job on this poem. I loved the way you wrote it as well as the flow it had. I thought it was a powerful poem and I think you showed us well how you write semi dark poem. Thank you for sharing!!!
Always,
Summer
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such an honest look into your sould ... i am sure we all have stuff hidden deep to keep it away from our minds. great write
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thanks much for the comment, I always appreciate it, but in all honesty, this is not written about me, kinda just a random piece that I wrote while listening to music.
**Ktulu Blackwolfe**
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beautiful
I loved reading this poem. so true. so very true. It is definately bookmarked. Keep up the good work. i really loved your poem.
-AkaBaki
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