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My Reality

Tear stained face, aching body,
Unwashed hair, clothes too shoddy.
My mother can’t bear to see me alive,
Here I struggle to just survive.

With a child on the way I plead for forgiveness,
Feeling nothing but self loath and emptiness.
So sick and weary, no strength left to fight,
Their hateful words were so very right.

I look in the mirror, sob at what I see,
A lowlife who knows nothing of what they’ll be.
My child deserves more than I can give,
Someday I pray they have strength to forgive.

Lord I’m afraid of what the future will bring,
I never knew how bad so many words could sting.
Messages calling me a trashy ,
Words undeniably difficult to ignore.

Growing bigger with each passing day,
I never meant for my life to be this way.
Lord I fear I’m losing my mentality,
But this I know is my sad reality.

Please tell me what you think

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Comments

1 - 14 of 14

  • Lady Altheia
    July 5, 2007

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    Hoodwink

    *comfort* It isn't easy. I have been made fun of all my life. Having a baby should be a happy time. I am sure you will do just fine. If you need to talk, I am a good listener.


  • xxRainbowDawnxx
    July 5, 2007

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    Hood Wink

    Don't lett their words hurt you - it sounds easier said that done but you can't. It'll stress you and may give complications to the baby. Be proud of having a child. Be proud of being you and harboring the most precious gift that life can give you. I am going to find out this weekend if I'm pregnant or not and if I am I will take it in my stride. We all have to. If you need to talk just message me. Best wishes and don't let them scar you; you aren't doing anything wrong. They are the pathetic SOAB not you!


  • February 19, 2007
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    Tear stained face, aching body,
    Unwashed hair, clothes too shoddy.
    My mother can’t bear to see me alive,
    Here I struggle to just survive
    wow i most def. love this poem!
    it has such emotion in ti!
    your amazing!


  • TeenFailure
    February 19, 2007

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    I really liked this poem so many people have to experence similar situations. Your emotions got threw to me, really touched me. Good Job with writting the poem Keep up the good work


  • Frodofan silver member
    February 19, 2007

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    Yes! This does flow better. I even compared it with your previous version. I also liked the way you changed the second to last line. That's a much better rhyme.


  • Jeneralix
    February 19, 2007

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    There is so much emotion in this and it also tells a sad truth. I'm not saying that it's true for you but it might be true for someone. Good Job

  • oldpoets
    February 19, 2007

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    good

    I have seen better written but not that bad. I see acommon mistake made by families repeated over and over again. You expressed emotion very well. That is what poetry is all about


  • k2vet
    February 19, 2007

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    wow. breathtaking. YOu can feel the sadness and loss strongly here. Very powerful and emotional poem. loovely bits of ryming as well.

    Your first stanza is very powerful and i think its a wonderful start to the piece. It macthes the ending really well. Both are very stong and hold a thoughtful message.


  • Love of a Bullet
    February 19, 2007

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    Generally, the rule is, the longer the line, the more careful one has to be with the scheme to make it flow properly... this piece is choppy at times owing to that difficulty. Addionally, the last two lines are false rhyme... might be gold in free verse, but here i throwing the whole thing off center in the end. Recommendation is clearly to preserve reality and find a new rhyme.

    Of course, none of those technical critcisms have anything to do with the wonderful and meaningful content you have portrayed here. The emotion comes off as real, rather than a construct, so much so that the reader is more encoraged to identify with the subject - over the more common reponse of pity. That's pretty intense.

    Generally, the rule is that flow rules all... a good message, difficult or impossible to read, never reaches a mass audience... its too obnoxious. I think you should try to rewrite for flow here, perhaps shortening some of the sentences, while keeping the content basically the same.

    Good luck in this and your future works.

    ~Das


    • PoetrysAngel2041
      February 19, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      I tried to rewrite it a bit and I hope it flows a little better. I'd love for you to check it out and tell me what you think. Thanks again for the honest criticism


  • azlyn gold member
    February 18, 2007

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    The intensity and depth of this write is amazing. I cannot even comprehend anyone turning their back on someone for being human! Don't we all make mistakes? This was a hard hitting poem and very disturbing to read. If it was written from a personal point of view, then I am so sorry for what you have been through. And as far as what any child deserves, they deserve to be loved and to be allowed to love in return. It is not what you can give them that matters my dear, it is how much you can love and nurture,protect and adore. And we are all capable of that if we only allow ourselves to forgive and let go. Your poem is a testimony to heartbreak, life shouldn't be that way. But when it is, we must stand tall and proud and determine within ourselves that we will make the best of what we already have. Your poem has touched my heart and brought tears to my eyes. Thanks for sharing.
    Blessings,
    Azlyn

  • goalsv
    February 18, 2007

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    First off this is really well written. Second, families are usualy the last to forgive someone for making bad choices, especially if they have tried to steer one away. But when that person knows they have made them and if they truly want out of that life style families should be the first to be there and help. I will pray that your family does that. I don't know what happened between you and them but the hurt can be hard to forget on both sides. It takes work, but can be overcome!

  • Frodofan silver member
    February 18, 2007

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    I'm so sorry, but anyone who calls you that doesn't know what they're talking about. You might have made a mistake, but because of pressure and one mistake doesn't make you a screw up. You're a wonderful person who reall does inspire me. You are hopeful and caring. Your child will love you. This is well written and your flow is good. Keep it up. You'll be okay.

1 - 14 of 14