Looking back, I don't know how long it's been. I'm guessing probably between 3-4 maybe even up to 5 years, it started. I've always thought being a child was so much easier, never overly worried, not moody, or too concerned about guys or mates. But at High School - everyone's life changed. Including mine.
I was always the quiet one, watching over my mates who over time slowly grew problems consisting of self hate to eating problems. All this time I talked to them about their own problems and for about two years I never worded mine. I feared I'd look like a fool. I suppose I've learnt to be open, about everthing. So now I'm going try to describe my high school to now, life, mainly to help those with the same problems and warn people off doing stupid things.
From memory (which is bad) it was at recess one morning. I was ravenous and almost ate everything in my lunchbox. I looked around and all my friends had only eaten their 'recess food'. Now, I've always been a small girl, in grade 5 I only weighed 28kgs. As is natural when you're a teen I gained a bit of weight, but I thought I had a pot belly etc. Everyone else around me was perfect, or so it seemed. I was afraid and every moment of thought was spent worrying about my weight and the way I looked in general. My big nose, frizzy hair, flat chest... It's enough to drive anyone insane.
All through high school basically no guys liked me, I had only a small group of friends and most others thought I was weird because I liked alternative things. People mocked me because of certain things and I clearly remember being called Guy Sebastion.
Anyways, all I could concentrate on was thinning down and not getting fat. I used to exercise from 1.5 - 3 hours a day, eating only one meal - Dinner. My mother used to pack my lunch, when I returned from school I used to throw it down a hole in the back paddock. She used to ask me if I enjoyed what she'd put in my sandwich... "Umm it was okay." A lie. I used to lie a lot. To help myelf.
In the morning I'd fake eating breakfast, just get a bowl and put in the dishwasher - my family were none the wiser. Not even now, do they know what was happening. What is still happening. These problems never fully go away, it's life haunting.
(Continued at a later date)
Please tell me what you think
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I want to tell you something that could help you, but maybe you have heard it all before. Has anyone tried? Well everyone has something the matter. And I never understood eating disorders but I must say that most of the time if people are never satisfied with the ways they look. Me for instance, people say that i'm too skinny. I eat all the time and I can't gain weight. But just because someone is skinny does not mean they are healthy. Fuck the people in magazines and on TV because they are only products that rich white people are trying to sell to you. You should just be proud of yourself for being a smart Austrailian. Nobody is perfect, and I think imperfections make us people. What do you think?
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Lol I know nobody is perfect, I like how I am. Kinda of. It's just a part of me now, not like before. Thanks for commenting though
very thought provoking.
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Hey Mon!!! 
I'm here for you if you need anything!!! I know what Kate means aswell when she says that all the skinny girls grab their non-existent "pot-bellies" and complain!!! You get so self-conscious because you think everyone else will see you as "fat" and laugh at you because you are "different" They are all sheep and stupid assholes!!! Love you hun!!
Meelz
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Thanks Meelz, yeah, most of the people are arseholes. That's why I'm just over everything really - on the exception of fuck awesome music! Woo. Love ya too, appreciated xo
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When my parents don't eat breakfast with me - ie skl holidays when they go to work and i sleep later, I just put a plate and knife in the dishwasher..
Thank you for writing this and sharing your story with us.
In Love And Light
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Wow Monica...
This is raw insight. I hate those girls ( like the one you told me about earlier..) who grab their "pot bellies" and complain out loud to all their friends so that they're friends will look at them and say " Ohh but your soo not fat!". Im here for you Monica. -
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Heh, yeh those stupid biatches need a fucking slap as to wake them up from being so naive, the ones who's only problem is attention seeking! Grrr
Thanks Kate, muchly appreciated
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Mm i know how you feel on this one especially at an all girls school...youd see someone laughing and i always, always thought they were laughing at me i hated it....Mm good write and get better soon.
Becky
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Spanks
Stupid skanks...who are stupid!
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