Remember the lines from the white hallway? Colourful they were;
One was red firebrick, brique feu in French, and one olive drab
Reminding me of very dirty vodka martinis with Chopin, straight up.
I will follow them barefoot and go home. I’ll be happy.
Treading around again, Evelyn is still smacking bruised hands to forehead trying to fling Her demons against your wall.
Forget about me Evelyn, your cackle can’t break this ice
I'm bare foot for a reason, vacated
Passing by the frigid places amongst
The plastic lime tiles
Set above a sulphuric smell.
Resounding stares - empty too - writhing past, another round down,
Flat bottomed glass,
Flat bottomed glass.
Inconceivable minds aligning in a row
Pulsating rapidly against my vibe, a secret commune awash in a cocktail,
Of colourful treats.
Author notes
(The seed of Insanity)Obviously this is about a Mental Asylum, pretty mysterious place, trust me.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 36 of 36
-
the imagry here will stay with me foerever this is a masterpiece an eerie and heartwrenching masterpiece.
Evelyn is still smacking bruised hands to forehead
trying to fling her demon against your wall
this is an incredible line
thanks for sharing
-
Beautiful!
This truly captivates the lost and shaded feeling of the asylum. As one who's been there multiple times, I do agree with you. It's not really a place where many coherent images come from, and yet you were still able to be so vivid with your prose. I must commend you on this, as it truly is a terrific work.
Best of luck in the contest -
I don't like mental asylumns they really do creep me out, I visited my sister at one of those things and umm yeah, I didn't like it. I also grew up with my other sister staying at a kind of place like it because she had schizophrenia. Very eerie but relatable thing/fear... I know it's one of my phobias.
-
The tone fit your theme extrememly well. I like the way it read aloud. I normally prefer left-alignment but center worked here well. Best wishes in the contest you have it entered in.
-
I'm flattened by this. I clicked on because my demented mother Evelyn has just been moved from a hospital to a Home, and I have been following those coloured lines down corridors of horror for weeks now. The place, the state of mind, the fragility of recovery are all very vivd in your write.
-
I love this poem. Some of the lines are a bit difficult to understand, but I would not change them because they add to the poem. Imagery was really good, and I love the description. Don't change it.
-
100% Guilty
Great job… I was waiting for a long time for someone to take that little piece I wrote and finish it and I like what you did with it a lot!… I even tried myself to finish it couple of times and I couldn‘t come up with anything good enough…what I am talking about “good enough”??? … not even remotely good…haha… you know your writing sucks when you can’t even relate and finish your own piece…hehe… I truly enjoyed reading your piece, the imagery and the subtle mood changes you created..."pretty mysterious place" indeed!
Humbly,
Ra.
-
I think the first line is full of an art flare, white hallway vs. colorful lines. I also think that the line bruised hands to forehead was great. All in all I enjoyed your piece very muc
-
very nice writing and I loved the bare feet! very insightful and nice imagery,keep up the good work.I could not have imagined it any better!
-
a great piece of work!!! i enjoyed reading it very much!! The message is strong and makes of all think!!!!
You are a very good poet!!!! -
i really like the idea of barefooted-ness in an asylum
because being barefoot always seem very very innocent to me
i really enjoyed the
descriptions, the colors
the adjectiv choices were very well done : )
IN MY opinion. -
I really like how you put this together..I like the imagary that went with it. I loved in the first stanza how you could take something no one would think about and how it could remind you of something else...Wonderful write
-
I really liked how you did this, even though I usually prefer lyrical poetry myself, I think this awas a nice piece of soliloqouy, or internal monologue, or whatever you want to call it. Kinda like if James joyce had been in the asylum from one fle over the cuckoo's nest. Very good. The image of evely with her bruised hands is a striking one, , evelyn means "little fire" in my language.
-
"a secret commune awash in a cocktail,
Of colourful treats." brillant!! I am really quite impressed with your word selections and you imagery is outstanding --This place(hospital)came alive for me. I could see the little cup's of 'meds', the agony and toruture of broken minds, dreams and lost souls.
Remarkable work!
-
wow that was great i love how you make the readersfeel what you feel
and be where you were
great vivid images... i love it keep it up -
striking, almost an internal dialogue, vivid images. But I think some better line breaks, or consistent line integrity would help, and definitely "left align" it, not centered. For example, break this line:
Resounding stares - empty too - writhing past, another round down,
flat-bottomed....
a little disjointed, but that's the right tone for this, actually effective. well done.
-
You described it very well. I have visited one once. You didn't make them sound any more different than those with regular problems I liked that. You just described the feel of it.
-
Really, really interesting piece! It's as if I'm really in the mental asylum. Gives this strange, surreal feeling. Good poem, really, really good...
-
This piece is really interesting; quite different from a lot of the things I've read on here. I love your use of the repeating images of color and cocktails. It reminds me of being in places like that, like a smack in the face.
I would watch your punctuation and capitalization, though. In some places, you continue a sentence without capitalizing the next line, and in other places you don't. I don't see this as being a device put there for a reason, as it is when you capitalize Frigid in the second stanza. It seems you could use a comma after Evelyn in the second stanza, third line, and a period after that line. Capitalization and punctuation in poetry can really be arbitrary, but if you're going to use it, you need to be consistent.
Otherwise, looking at the other comments, you seem to have cleaned this piece up a lot. I really enjoyed it; thanks for posting it -
"reminding me of very dirty vodka martinis with Chopin, straight up."
This is most definetly my favorite line. I'm not a drinker, never even been a foot near alcohol. But your imagery is so beautiful. Your use of color, texture...oh it made my mind go wild as I imagined Evelyn as she might have been <3 Beautiful. -
A comment i had to add from someone who is not a member,
Hi, If the purpose of poetry is to move people, this fits the bill.
Pickety, pickety: There is a referential problem in the first stanza. "Remember" is an address to someone else. If it is about YOUR memories, which I think it might be, since nobody else's memories crop up, you can fix it with "I remember..." If it is a question to Evelyn, which makes sense in context since you address Evelyn directly later on, you can fix it with a question mark. Or you could try "Remembering the lines.... and ending with a colon.
Spelling counts. Olive drab is two words. "Sulpheric" is probably "sulphuric."
Why is "very colourful" more colourful than "colourful?" A very dirty martini, however, IS different from a plain old dirty martini.
I don't think Evelyn is trying to throw her demons against my wall. I think she's trying to throw them against your wall.
Last stanza breaks down. How does a stare "writhe," let alone be resounding and empty at the same time? Yeah, they could be resoundingly empty, but a stare is a stare because it doesn't wander.
For the the heck of it, I suggest an alternate ending. All your words, minus a few bits. Take it with a grain of salt. Oh wait, that's for margaritas!
I'm barefoot for a reason, vacated
Passing by the Frigid places amongst
The plastic lime tiles
Set above a sulphuric smell.
Another round down.
Flat bottomed glass,
Flat bottomed glass.
A commune awash in a cocktail
Of colourful treats.
Jim
-
-
Jim,
Thank-you you made some apt suggestions for this work. I'll correct the spelling, add an ? to the first line. But the resounding bit will have to stay I think, as it means "expressed or 'performed' with emphasis" here and it should be even more astounding that they are empty stares. I'd like to change the tense in the line
....trying to fling her demons against your wall... but at the time I was experiencing this bit of my life, I was wishing, even praying that it wasn't me she was focused on, but rather everyone. Thanks for pointing out the redundant use of 'Very' in Colourful, I'll change that first line as well. Additionally, I like the repetition of "Flat bottomed glass"; it'll be used.
-
-
Very good. You seem to speak fom experience... (!)
-
This paints a very vivid picture, madness absolute. Great piece here, very encapsulating. The mind of a madman is another world.
-
absoloutly amazing.......it grabs you and doesn't let go even after you have read the last words.......this is incredible
-
The whole (mind) is greater than the sum of its parts.
Hypnotic - get's right to the heart of it - opens up like a Renoir - full of color.
-
I'm glad I checked this out. This is above a good deal of the ... cliched and boring pieces often promoted. Thank you. The imagery was impeccable, the wording, brilliant. I was pulled into this.
-
good luck in the contest, this is such a vivid description, I almost could see it playing out before me... great write . keep up the great job
-
this is just...amazing. such great description, dark but almost magical, i wish you best of luck in your contests
-
Incredible
I really like all the imagery and emotion. Lots of madness, madness goooood. lol. Perfect write.
-
Thank you for this entry, it takes the reader on a journey through the tortured mind, unusual style but then again an unusual subject. well done, best wishes to you.
-
This is a very uninqu poem. I don't belive I have ever read a poem like this one. You've done a very good job on this one.
-
it's perfect T
-
beautul artwork
i've never read anything like this and i doubt i will again! which is very high praise from me as most of the stuff i read on this site i just, you know.. boring and insinsere and traditional. but THIS, it was a beautifully creepy, yet beautiful mind expanding trip. i've found so many really cool poems tonight, it's artists like you that place safe hands around modern art. peace and love friend. wave
-
i enjoyed this trough and trough, it made so much sense, but at the same time it shouldnt, i felt like i had entered the mind of a mad man and understood it (as oposed to, i guess, entering the mind of a mad man and centering on how it doesnt make sense) i admire that in this peice
cheers
b&p
-
Impressive piece
Instantly creates a distinctive atmospheric vibe. I loved the line about Evelyn smacking her bruised hands. Painted a vivid picture of a haunted existance. I felt horrified by the time I reached the end. The title lured me in and the poem does a very good job of explaining the message of the title. Thanks for writing this I thouroughly enjoyed reading.
Adding your comment:
1 - 36 of 36
