Thirsting
by darmok
not a single drop of rain has come,
to fill my emptied cup,
nor a day withered past,
without the scorching touch of sun.
And when the evening comes
and starlight beds awake.
lay me down the endless past,
silver shards of dreams undone.
I fall asleep, alone and naked
before the eyes of night.
And pray tomorrow brings a rain,
will fill my day,
my cup,
that I may drink it.
~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-
You know how it is,
you just know what awaits each night.
As those candles put out,
turn into years ...
they become hauntings,
though perhaps less frequent
towards the end.
They are the undoing of real dreams,
your waking wishes and hopes,
they unravel in the toss and turn,
when agents of the night slip inside
to taunt...to steal....
and therein make havoc of your sanity
with temptations and visions
to good to be true,
....how many times must they be broken,
and through eyes raked raw, must you see;
the bed is laid with glass,
a menagerie of dreams
we wish would soon fade away.
Author notes
artwork from: http://www.celticfrost.com/DISCOGRAPHY.html
Written June 19th, 2003
What did you think
Comments
1 - 66 of 66
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This is really beautiful. I wish you wrote more often....
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this was a surprise!dark and beutiful, mysterious and lonely..nightfall rarely makes things better..most of the times inflates all our problems, so the look far mre serious than they really are.candles turn into tears that's a brilliant conception..reminds me of tim buckley's sog "a candle died/now you are gone/and no more/rings the bell/now you are gone"
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not a single drop of rain has come,
to fill my emptied cup,
nor a day withered past,
without the scorching touch of sun.
And when the evening comes
and starlight beds awake.
lay me down the endless past,
silver shards of dreams undone.
This Wonderful! I loved it! The flow was amazing and so was the imagery!
~Dommi -
You brought the poem to life with the words you painted here.
Vivid with each line and more intense with each stanza.
Best of luck to you
Becky
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To put your thoughts to paper will help to calm the mind, but past is past and you cant change it...use lifes lesson for the positive to find what is planned for you, only then will you find the gold not fools gold that torments your dreams. Good Luck with this wonderfully penned write!
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Loved the artwork!
My favorite part was:
"They are the undoing of real dreams,
your waking wishes and hopes,
they unravel in the toss and turn,
when agents of the night slip inside
to taunt...to steal....
and therein make havoc of your sanity
with temptations and visions
to good to be true,
....how many times must they be broken,
and through eyes raked raw, must you see; "
Hope to read so much more of you in the future!!!!!!
All the best!
Becks -
the bed is laid with glass,
a menagerie of dreams
we wish would soon fade away.
Well I can feel the coldness of love of in every word which is dedicated to the night.The emotions are very honestand taking readers along as well..The
essence of the write is just tearful.. -
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from the depths of night
Hello, thank you my friend. To love so much and have that binding of hearts separated/torn; well...the offerings of pleasant dreams and brief touches of that love again...are these hauntings of 'things' that just cannot be, and at least for me, a sorrowful illusion vanishing in the vapors at the fringes of dream recollection....and vivid recall sucking back into the darkness of that phantom night. for me, fals hope, a journey I'd rather not take....and the disappointment of waking up should not 'be' how true living goes on.
thank you (joel)
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are these two separate pieces? the first sounds very different in tone than the second part. i like both, their the same topic, but it just doesn't seem to fit so nicely when i read them together. Good start and very good emotion
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Two poems
Yes, well the second was my commentary on my on write. I choose not to put all that in the 'notes', so yes, they are separate. The later may not be necessary, since from these reviews I can see the read goes well (and I so appreciate that fact), I was just sharing more of what the imagery had to offer. thanks so much for your read and all the others who have offered thoughtful and helpful critique. Darmok
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Not hard to grasp the pain and tension in this piece. your words set up clear visuals. i enjoyed reading this - thanks for sharing
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Very Good
this poem paints an amazingly vivid picture in anyones head who reads it. very good write. i love it! keep up the great work!!! -
This is a very beautiful poem
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This rocks
You painted a great picutre in my mind. -
u painted a wonderful picture for me to see
this is an amazing poem
u have a way of making a poem very vivid -
Great
I enjoyed this poem a lot. The way you painted a picture with your words for the readers minds eye to form within their imagination is just incredible. I will be reading more of your work.
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Very good
You have painted a picture with words that inspire, sadden and captivate the reader. I am captured by the images so skillfully developed by the author and the passion of the words move me. You paint a picture with words that bring your experiences alive in the reader's mind. An inward journey filled with thoughts designed to inspire, calm the heart and most of all to motivate us to explore the neither regions of the human mind and psyche.
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wow... I really enjoyied reading this poem so much... it was filled with sorrow and pain. This was so great my favourite part was the first stanze... it was awesome in description and imagery....
not a single drop of rain has come,
to fill my emptied cup,
nor a day withered past,
without the scorching touch of sun
Completly awesome...
PersuingHappyness -
Mesmerising
Mmmm I like the way your images are constructed. The idea of years being candles is not new, and yet you put it so artfully that one forgets such famous passages as "Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow" from Macbeth. This is indeed an achievement. I also love the image of a day "withering past." It is so emotive and yet simple. I hate poetry that is overly flowery and verbose. It somehow loses power to load poems with words, as contradictory as that may sound. For me a poem of three lines of beautiful imagery is enough. Your poem is exquisite.
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savy
estute critque; I hope to we can both enjoy future reads. Thank you.
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Wow. This is a exceptionall powerful piece! I loved it, especially the ending.
"the bed is laid with glass,
a menagerie of dreams
we wish would soon fade away."
And just the vision of the thirst and the pain. The whole piece was beautiful.
Excelent write!
♥Lady Juliet -
wow. this is really really good. I like how you wrote this. it flows very nicely. Nice work! keep it up!!!
Crimson -
"And when the evening comes
and starlight beds awake.
lay me down the endless past,
silver shards of dreams undone. "
"They are the undoing of real dreams,
your waking wishes and hopes,
they unravel in the toss and turn,
when agents of the night slip inside
to taunt...to steal.... "
great write you wrote a very powerfull peice here!!
Great Job!!
--kat
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And when the evening comes
and starlight beds awake.
lay me down the endless past,
silver shards of dreams undone.
Such powerfulful words mixed in with the peaceful
i love this very much, it's like i connected with what you are saying
"An endless past"
This poem intertwined was so flawless in my eyes it's written to perfection
Thank you for sharing this wonderful write i hope this site is full of flawless writters like youkeep it up
~Emi~
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This was a good poem. I can really feel the power in your words. This piece flowed very well. One line just pushes you on th the next. I liked the lines,
"As those candles put out,
turn into years ...
they become hauntings"
Well done.
Keep up the good writing. -
A rain dance,
...
...
simple steps
beneath your dreams,
imagined flight beyond the stars.
gathering winds within your arms
closed eyes.....
seeing everything it seams.
It rains, a pouring rain,
quenching the wells of your
aching soul, and when
you open your eyes
behold,
the day
God
has made. -
'and through eyes raked raw, must you see;'... do i have to???
this was awsome.. took me many places deep in the dry depths of my own lonliness
can be ugly there if you let it... but i just dont let it:P.. somehow its good to make your own rain...
by dancing
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I share Wolfbane's fave lines
You are a talent aren't you?
To say those nice things that come to mind are, for one, repetitive and i'm tired of repeating myself, yet, better words are hard to come by
so, for lack of thought brain dead in other words..lol and lack of better words...
I say simply...WOW...lol..and to explain would be a bad idea as i can ramble...you don't want me to do that! hehe
amazing you are as a writer...
~Pamela -
Hi there. I wish to explain my writing just a bit, so you will know that you know, what you know you feel about what you are reading....is so! I find that I write more fluently than that offered by my verbal skills. It seems my brain can pull from the data bank streams of cognitive thoughts and interpret what I'm feeling into these sentences I offer as poetry, much more easily when I'm composing/typing I am not very good at 'assigned' writes, I write when I'm inspired or when I am commenting to someone elses work...which again ...is when I'm inspired. I will check my spelling and seek out a word that is on the tip of my tongue, but I do not browse the dictionary for unusual words simply to impress. I don't write to 'impress', though it is without saying, I do hope in every write, there is something there that leaves a feeling, an image that may seem familiar or at least welcomed. If you were to wear my coat of joy or sadness just for the moment, and feel the poetry....then I have suceeding in writing something meaningful, with purpose other than to astound you with clever words, there for that purpose. You my friend, see my simple poetry, because I do think it simple....and take it for what it is, a gentle rain, a waterfall's mist....cooling your skin...dwelling in your heart....at least for the moment I do appreciate your sensitivity. -Darmok
Edited on Jul 17, 3:00 p.m. because ''. -
This is my favourite piece of yours so far. Everything is so clear... so vivid... so profound. As always your language is sophisticated... Your hidden meaning intelligent. There is a great rhythm throughout this... I thought your metaphors spoke volumes. I think a lot of people will be able to connect with what you're saying on one level or another... You've made it concise and personal, but also open to interpretation. Brilliant, stunning...
I couldn't even pick a favourite line... everything was so well done. So, instead, i just took out my most favourite chunck instead! lol---
They are the undoing of real dreams,
your waking wishes and hopes,
they unravel in the toss and turn,
when agents of the night slip inside
to taunt...to steal....
and therein make havoc of your sanity
with temptations and visions
to good to be true...
I'm just in awe at your choice of words... 'unravel' 'havoc' everything just fits so perfectly. You're one of my favourite writers on this site and you don't cease to keep me gripped, entertained and touched.
P.S thankyou for your kind and supportive comments on my works. Your advice has been a great help, and i respect your work immensely. Thankyou. 
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perfect
your style leaves me speechless.
a beautiful and touching poem that belongs in a classical poetry anthology. lately your poems are more....profound, heartfelt, they're getting better and better (if that is possible). you have the amazing talent to pull the reader within your words.
just amazing -
You have very good poetry, and I love your style. You use great symbolism.
~Sephy -
Brilliant write here. I enoyed and it really got my mind going as well. I particularlly liked this part:
"You know how it is,
you just know what awaits each night.
As those candles put out,
turn into years ...
they become hauntings,
though perhaps less frequent
towards the end"
It remind me alot of myself, how I never go to bed without having lit a candle that needs to be put out and a wish on the wind. Amazing write. Blessed be -
Great write
I really enjoyed this well thought out write. It was amazing!
I am sure I will come back to read this again. You have penned your feelings well.
I especially liked this stanza:
"And when the evening comes
and starlight beds awake.
lay me down the endless past,
silver shards of dreams undone."
Great write! Thank you for sharing! -
A very thoughtful poem, Darmok.
Thank you. -
Yes, blush yes...I know...I ignored that myself, and a comma helps...just a bit...but I wish to leave it as is...but I know I know. Thank you for the catch. I don't mind honest feed back at all.
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I liked the second part/poem better. To me it felt stronger...
And pray tomorrow brings a rain,
will fill my day,
my cup that I may drink it.
I like the meaning there but to me it didn't flow well. Otherwise excellent poem and I enjoyed reading.
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dang.....if I werent brain dead, I could actually comment,
though I really wouldnt know what to say
so how bout I just wave
WAVE and letcha know I stopped in
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A marvelous plea for validation, Darmie. Beautifully penned... but I have come to expect no less from you. Indeed, the first part, the "poem", is quite tight, and the second section does read as commentary on the original, but it is not distracting in such close juxtaposition.
H. -
Gecko, the poem above is split, the first was the original 'poem' posted. The second part I added because I guess I just didn't want to put it in the author's comment area as it seemed an adequate footnote to the poem, it actual originated as a comment and I wasn't edititing it for tightness. I have made good use of your suggestions and offer this rev. Thanks -D
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::breathless::
that was positively hypnotic. it threw images and feelings so fast all i could do was float + roll with the waves. "the undoing of real dreams" <-- some craft, that. the word choice in this peice is impeccable. the ending, that's just mindblowing. ::applause::
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well done
wonderful content Darmok.
Would like to see a bit more playing with the words in this to give it a fresher feel and in a couple areas where you have used a word repitition it takes from the piece
eg:
they unravel in the night,
when agents of the night slip inside
to taunt...to steal....
"night" shows up through the piece in a few places... perhaps play with different analogies or metaphors that bring across the "night" might help with strengthening the piece
well done mate
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just three times :)....hummmm. THis is the weight, a fair portion of my life as it is so recent. It's the middle, something which will pass, and I will get beyond it someday, and that day will I leave this weight behind me, no longer waiting for tomorrow, as it will have arrived and dreams again will not be hauntings, but be as they were in the beginning, full of hope, joy, new memories and desires...that do sometimes come true
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excellent+
I am so glad you commented on my poem , or I might have missed checking out your work
I read this about three times and somehow just this one poem gave me such insight into your psyche . As for myself , I do so look forward to my dreams because up until now , with the exceptions of a few ...most have been reinforcments of my daydreams , even though none of the two really materialize . I do like your writing style ....think I could learn from it
Reenie
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Patrice, dang you're a sweetheart, I promise to buy all your books and then again for gifts!!!
Edited on Jun 23, 8:11 p.m. because ''. -
That's lovely tam, very. -D
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to see the light at the reach of a hand
and not be able to contain it
to feel the soft velvet of a thread
and not be covered by the warmth of it
to have is to dream
for in our dream we give our desire unto ourself
and it is all within reach....
as we accept it within our belonging
this struck a nerve, one I can understand and identify with
I enjoy your style, flow and meter
but most of all I enjoy the subject matters you
select to write about!
Tamara -
amazing
Obviously, you put a lot of thought into all of your work. I think that this piece is an excellent, very pensive work. To me, it is very open, inviting the reader into your head to experience what you have experienced, and perhaps share your pain for just a moment. I have often wished for such clarity in my own works! It's obvious that you have a wonderful talent. I am new to this site, but will very definitely be reading more of your works, and I hope that you are indeed prolific!
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All other things though relevant, are second to this one most haunting thought. This thought that stays with me though denied a real concience forum, begins with two simple but cutting words..."had you....". I don't blame myself anymore, but time has a way of working on you, there in the background, waiting for the moment to poke its ugly head and throw this at you in your weakest moment, "had you....(fill in the blank)..only...". Until there is a major renovation of my heart and thinking, I will suffer these relapses, and with them, feel these poems again, as if the ripping just began. Speaking as I am, you must know there are levels of 'this'.The poetry though seems to cut through the fog and distills the simple truth. Hold onto love, respect them when you find it....nuture what you have and never take it for granted. Peace -joel
Edited on Jun 21, 1:34 p.m. because ''. -
A quick drop of affection never seems to quench those desires. We who are lonely, constantly seek out for something but never seem to know what exactly it is. It's more than chemistry and physical. It's as if we seek out for our soulmate. We look for something reasonable in this whole mess. I know how you feel. It's hard to be alone. What's crazy is that I hate committment and I know I'm not alone. I have my daughter. She's the one thing in my life that makes sense. If never do anything right again, I'll know I've done something right by having her. This was excellent by the way. Sorry to get so side tracked.
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Hello...hellohhhhhhh....................heloooooohhhhhhhhhhhhh .............................helllllloooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Perhaps these are not really echoes at all, but voices...others standing near the precipice.....they too have found the edge, and feel the ground slipping... at times. This is the gorge, the bowels of flesh, where once lay a perfect heart beating soundly, harmonious and true. But what remains is this, an abysmal depth sucking life away through a black hole portal maybe common to all broken hearts, and therein I, we... hear each other's sorrow.
The sadness is that portion of my life that has yet to be obliviated by finding love again, so then ....it still exists. But I am more than compensated by the love of my children and family, so what more can I ask for than what is, and purely given. -
This one got me good. I've got tears running down my cheeks and fogging up my glasses lol When night falls the loneliness and longing for anything at all to awaken my sleeping dreams/desires is enough to drive me insane. It's good to see that I'm not alone. :sigh:
'before the eyes of night.
And pray tomorrow brings a rain,
will fill my day,
my cup that I may drink it.'
Beautifully written. Your words echo inside my heart. Thank You.
~Angela
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knowing what awaits each night....
nights turning into years,
becoming hauntings, though perhaps
less frequent towards the end.
I love this stanza...because I know what awaits each night. During the day, we have things that can distract us *to a point.* At night, in the quiet, dark, vulnerability of nakedness, this is when it becomes hauntings and undoings of dreams. Yet, finding no solace in sleep or 'dreams' or anything that could come from within...hoping against hope of finding it elsewhere...the slightest hope that just one drop of hope will come, but...*sigh*
I know this so well...beautiful beautiful expression...
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-joel
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I have come to see that there are people in this world who hold dreams so loosely that they can leave them behind without so much as a whimper...they never know the pain of loss that comes when dreams don't come true, there is always another paper cup dream around the corner, and when that is finished it is easily crumpled and thrown away, tho they may not sleep, the reason is only for another aquisition...& not all longings are pure.
Then there are others who cherish the heart's dream so much that they are led to write words like this poem, and though the price is so high, their silver is tested and found worthy. -
You know how it is, you just know what awaits each night....and as those nights turn into years, they become hauntings, though perhaps less frequent towards the end. They are undoing of real dreams, your waking wishes and hopes, they unravel in the night, when agents of the night slip inside to taunt...to steal....and therein make havoc of your sanity with temptations and visions to good to be true, ....how many times must they be broken, and through eyes raked raw, must you see....; the bed is laid with glass, the menagerie of dreams we wish would soon fade away.
Edited on Jun 20, 2:53 p.m. because ''. -
A wonderful pensive write here Joel. Your economy of words serves this piece well.
Henri -
My favorite line is 'and when the evening comes/ and starlight beds awake'. I like the idea of the stars sleeping when we are awake. My one question would be, in the seventh line, are you asking to be laid down upon the shards, or are you saying that at night you lay yourself down upon them (because they are already figuratively there to remember as you lay down to try to sleep)? I assume the second of the two. All I can say is: reach out, take a chance, be open to romance. Drink. Yes. Your feelings are very easy to read here! Hugs~ Joyce
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Hugs go a long way! Suffer though we may, it is not then the need to display, all our feelings of today...here again this way. I am a resourceful writer, I need only ponder over yesterday, or what tomorrow may say, and listen to those around me, in search of something to say. I'm OK really.
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here is a hug for you.... (((((((((JOEL)))))))))
does that help any at all? lol
you always write so beautifully..... -
your comments are right on the mark, am I that easy to read?
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Lonely and sad. Has such longing, just a drop of need. Love, rain, acknowledgment. Feels like a cry echoing..then fading.
very deep. -
there is a sweet & easy simplicity to this, Joel..I like the three stanza flow...See if you can do without the "do" in the last stanza...don't you think it reads a bit more naturally?
a haunting song of longing...just lovely. -
excellent write, wonderful flow and deep. just like I like them powerful piece here. blessed be
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Lay me down the endless past
Silver shards of dreams undone
Nicely done hun
I loved this one
Do come see me won't ya
Blessings
Susan~~~~~ -
very very very nice...i like it.
I do fall asleep, alone and naked
before the eyes of night.
i like that line, so much emotion, great poem
- jess - keep it real -
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