Cool gray eyes of the princess of time,
Shimmering over moonlight's beams,
Like a thousand twinkling stars, sublime
Scalding expressions of voices that rhyme,
Fervor burns in her gray-filled streams,
Cool gray eyes of the princess of time
Unspoken thoughts linger within her prime
Colors vividly sparkle through her dreams
Like thousand twinkling stars, sublime
Her gaze bears rhythm of a crystal chime
Reflections of night unfold desperate reams,
Cool gray eyes of the princess of time
Mild petals carrying the scent of lime
Shatter her faint glimmering extremes
Like thousand twinkling stars, sublime
Voices of gray drift through colorful mimes,
Displaying memories as her ball gown gleams
Cool gray eyes of the princess of time,
Like a thousand twinkling stars, sublime
Author notes
I'm 13.
Won 3 golds and 2 HMs.
A contest entry
- Ages 13 & Under - Learn a New Form ~ The Villanelle by Amunet Wolfbane.
525 points, ended March 16, 2007, 5 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - 14 and Under: Form Poetry by Max Ritvo.
375 points, ended April 21, 2007, 13 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Raven Qualifier - Dark: Anger, Angst and Goth by Raven Contest.
450 points, ended August 1, 2007, 124 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - ~Give Me All Your Gold~ by xxRainbowDawnxx.
300 points, ended July 26, 2007, 49 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - ~All Those Who Have Won a Gold In A Previous Contest of Mine~ by xxRainbowDawnxx.
450 points, ended December 17, 2007, 18 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Triple My Double-Gold by Tangled Angle.
450 points, ended March 7, 2008, 8 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 30 of 30
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Very nice.
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Wow, this is a beautiful poem... So wonderfully written, so because of this poem I'm making you a preliminary finalist which means you'll go into the next round... Even though I asked for poems that hadn't won a bunch of golds previously... Next round please make sure you enter something fresh because I'll need to know that you can write more than one good poem...
Thanks heaps for entering and good luck =)
Preliminary finalist =) -
Pretty good, for 12 ...
You should fix the mistakes in this line though:
Like (a) thousand twinkling stars( ,)sublime
but in the main, I like this. I'm impressed with all your Gold trophies, but wonder why no one ever told you to fix that line?
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Hey Kandy!
This is a wonderful write.
Very nicely expressed.
Congrats on your trophies.
Harrisham Minhas
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This is really pretty. And, honestly, I'm not a big fan of rhyme but I really do like this. And it's kind of weird that if you were older, I probably wouldn't like this as much as I did.
I guess that's some sort of age prejudice or whatever. In any case, I liked this.
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This is an absolutely beautiful poem and one of the few pieces of rhyme that I have ever been able to not only read, but enjoy. However, I did say that this contest was for non-rhyming pieces, so I am going to have to remove it. Please feel free to enter another one though, I do love your work.
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The villanelle, like any ‘formed’ poetry is something that has to be worked on to perfect and I think this is a very commendable piece of work for varying reasons, not least that the author is so young and has obviously been willing to learn from others on this site, has worked hard to perfect the form and created a splendid poem from those efforts. However, I feel compelled to agree with the comment below from Max Ritvo that the word ‘reams’ does not suit the line it’s in, and believe me, I have tried every imaginable way to make it suit because apart from that word I think the rest of the content is appropriate, including colourful mimes, and the flow in the piece is wonderful. One tiny thing for better presentation is the comma is in the wrong place in the line “Like thousand twinkling stars ,sublime.” I personally feel this poem is very worthy of the three gold trophies it’s already gained.
Thank you for entering the Raven Contest 2007 and good luck with your entry! Your work may also be viewed by other Raven judges.
Northern Raven
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By goodness, you are only 12! For someone so young (no means to be patronising, of course) you write so magnificently. If you are to write like this at your age, I do expect to see you published a couple of years my senior (I am 17, so not all that old either). Beautifully written with such magical qualities throughout. Good luck in the raven contest as well, I am participating as well.
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amazing write as far as im concerned, The ABA stanza rhymes were a good touch, as well as the alternating repetition of Like a thousand twinkling stars, sublime
, and Cool gray eyes of the princess of time were very well placed and used very versatilely as far as the meaning of the actual line it's self. you executed the villanelle format seamlessly, as one of your previous comments have stated, age truely has me meaning on talent and ability. thank you for entering the 2007 raven contest, and good luck with your write -
wow this is so impressive...I love each and every line..very nicely penned...best wishes to you little one with this entry..
Peace
Melissa
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well done. its a tought form to pull off and i think you did well. its fun to read, keep it up and gl in the contest.
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This is a stunning and extraordinarily mature write. You know alot about the disillusionments of age! Aesthetically this piece is extremely strong. All of your "ties" of the first stanza into the later stanzas are coherent- and to some extent reveal something new about the phrase- which is exactly what a well-written villanelle should do. The "thousand twinkling stars" had a beautiful shift from describing the beautiful to describing the dark, and back to the beautiful. My only note to you would be that some of the rhymes seemed a bit forced into format. I'm not quite sure how 'reams' meaning either a vast quantity or stanard quantity of paper- unfolding in the night relate to the direction of the poem or the images directly above or below it. The "colorful mimes" was also a bit akward- although I understood what you were trying to poke at. My hats off to you. This is a phenomenal work if it had been written by any poet- the fact that it was written by a twelve year old only proves that age has nothing to do with talent or capabilities.
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Thanxx a lot for your comment. It is well appreciated and I greatly thank you for the time and points spared to glance at a young's poem. The villanelle is strongly based on the rhyming scheme so I had to go with some awkwardness at some places. Anyway your comment speaks volume thorugh a single ream. Thanxx for the valuable trophy and more than that the priceless comment.
*God Bless You*
Luv,
Candy
--> Will love 2 hear from you
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Bravo
I am most impressed by this.
You have acheived something that I have never even attempted.
And you have done it beautifully.
Well done my young friend. this was wonderful.
AnnD
Site Supervisor
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you rock sissy! lovely trophy you've got there.
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This is so wonderfully done, wow! Such an exquisite piece, and you did a great job at the villanelle. I'm so impressed!
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awesome sissy!
i like it a lot.
i really like the tone of this poem
my favorite stanzas are the 3rd and 4th.
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Wow! You have really put A LOT of work into this. I know, I've seen the changes each time and must say I am not only impressed by your enthusium to learn the form, but the poem itself. Marvellous job on this. This form is not an easy form to master and for your first, this is truly beyond impressive! Bravo!
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I adore this form, and coincidently gray is my favorite color, so I really enjoyed reading this. The image of 'cool gray eyes' is very well done. I can almost see them..
Good luck!
-S
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Very interesting
this is very brilliant, very interesting, and a pleasure to read. i'm not very good at learning new forms of poetry
I hope you win this contest i wish i could write poetry as good as you maybe i would get a trophy --Anyway-- very good poem keep up the good work and keep your poems entertaining
Luv,
Sammi
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wonderfull
Hey I thought this was wonderfull, it was the most amazing poem I have seen yet You are so creative at writing poetry you know, I hope you get a place in this wonderful
and most very very very very very very very fun contest, luvs Gem "
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oh, you may want to work with the background on this one too, it makes it hard to read when you have to highlight it. Try using the image as a picture and putting your poem on a solid background. That would display your POEM
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This is still very beautiful and getting better and better. You still have a couple rough spots in your rhyme pattern. I'll IM you with some ideas on help with your rhymes. You are doing great, this is not an easy form to learn at all. So really, you are doing a fanastic job so far
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You have written a very difficult form of poetry and made it look easy. Your use of vocabulary is wonderful and your poem is stunning. Nicely done.
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I didn't think this was quite a Villanelle myself (even though I don't know that much about them), but this was still excellent! Good luck in the contest!
Peace out!
Cassie
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I wouldn't toss these piece out though, it is beautifully written, it's is just not quite a villanelle form
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hey,
i've changed it.
pleez checkit out.
candy -
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Your problem is that third line It has to rhyme with the first line, every time, in each staza
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No, sorry it's still now write. I'll try and simple one here to see if I can explain it better.
Let me play with your poem here a bit:
Cool gray eyes of the princess of time,
Shimmering over the moonlight beams,
Like thousand twinkling stars sublime
Scalding expressions of these voices that rhyme,
Fervor burns in her gray-filled dreams,
Cool gray eyes of the princess of time
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This is really beautiful. But you're rhyme scheme is very off for a villanelle.
Your first and third lines should always rhyme together. And your 2nd line should always rhyme with the 2nd line of every stanza.
So bascially every 1st and 3rd line of each stanza for this piece would rhyme with the word "time" and every 2nd line in the poem would rhyme with "beams"
But you did alternate the lines correctly in each stanza Which is usually where I mess up. Just have to work on the rhyme sequence.
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