She drew blood from his forearm
With a razor tearing across his skin
She slid her tounge up and down the cut
Her eyes were glistening
Her breath tickled upon his open wound
As she smiled & laughed, flicking back her hair
He would lay perfectly still on the bed
Breathing heavy, looking around everywhere
Her nails dug deep, straight into the wound
Blood spilled, sliding down to his fingernails
She slowly sucked them, whilst gazing into his eyes
She watched him as he quickly became pale
She frowned and smeared some blood on her face
As it was time for her to be on her rest now
As sun slowly poured in through the blinds cracks
She whispered goodbye, and kissed him on the brow
A contest entry
- Your best shot by Freakish-Lizzie.
475 points, ended March 3, 2007, 29 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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I thought the rhyme was very predictable and pedestrian, and the ending could have been SO much stronger. On the other hand, this was a wonderful dark write, and the flow was very smooth and kept my attention. Pretty good write, good job
Jeanette*~ -
Beautifully written.
Dark, bleak, not as
complex as i initially thought.
You did a very good job at
describing the gore without going
so overboard it just ends up
sounding stupid.
so well done.
Im a fan. x
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Well applauded
Wow so dark but so well written. really enjoyed this amazing write. thank you for sharing your great talent. (Lisa)
"She frowned and smeared some blood on her face
As it was time for her to be on her rest now
As sun slowly poured in through the blinds cracks
She whispered goodbye, and kissed him on the brow"
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ooooooooooooooo that sounds fun!!!!! Mmmmmmmmm... anyway good one I love it o and wana 3some lol jk!!! Thats hot though good job!!
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Wow, that sounds like the fantasy I've always wished, for, could you just do me? THank you
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Absolutely delightful. Great job. I need to find a woman like that.
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Wow, I love it, It was easy to get into and connect with. It had deep raw emotion that the reader could understand and it was overall enjoyable.
Good luck
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