Ashtray is waving over.
One too many butts
stacked
against each other;
coffee's lukewarm-
flake of ash climbs
the inside
of my chipped blue mug.
I drink around it,
hesitant to disturb
something that has found
a niche, a wall to rest on
as feet tap for surface
and my back humps
into a grandmother's portrait.
I find bad habits
in odd moments;
tugging
single strands
of hair limp
around my fingers,
chewing the left side
of each nail
on my right hand
until all are naked
of the first layer, ragged
to the touch.
Smoking two cigarettes at once,
un-filing
my internal collection
of odd words, searching
for a description
of the way my stomach
rests in lumps and even
three days of fasting
doesn't provide hunger pangs--
but all I've come up with is
empty, otiose, devoid, destitute
and they aren't expressive enough
to satisfy, so I give up
the quest, crush one
cigarette into
the mountain;
stare at the last
protest of smoke
wafting up from the pile.
Author notes
it's a moment... it's too many moments, lately-
.
A contest entry
- Image 19 - by NurseChilly.
625 points, ended February 27, 2007, 17 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Did You Win a Trophy? by Nam.
1750 points, ended October 18, 2007, 41 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
I may still edit this... I'm not sure of the form...
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
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This piece is effective in that it is open enough to the reader to gain their own interpretation from the words. It speaks to me of bored contemplation, which seems to be mounting.
Good write and congrats on bronze.
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What about, "my back morphs, Quasimodo like"?
I don't know that I've ever just said this, but, I love reading your work. It frustrates and inspires me at the same time. -
The only part I had trouble with the flow was this part:
"as feet tap for surface
and my back humps
into a grandmother's portrait."
It just seems off, especially with the last two lines. Other than that, however, I found it to be a really good poem, especially after that part, the flow was just really good, and kept my attention to the end.
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I think it may be "grandmother's" that throw those lines off. Now that I think of it, I'm not entirely satisfied with the word "humps" either. Perhaps "shoulders sag" but it seems so . . . mundane. Hhhmmmm.
I'll have to think about this one some more.
Thanks, darlin'.
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Very well done. Congrat's on your win. I truly
do love this piece. Lane
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congratulations on this! loved it from the beginning.
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Congratulations, and Celebrations..!
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a definite contender- very nicely done
m -
If I still smoked, I'd be able to smell the acrid ash of this piece... it burnt quite a hole in my mind reading this Meli...
the repetition of life's loss in this gave it that journeyman feel... and when she got to the end.. the smoke, the stench and the dismal look were all that was left... very cleverly done
I like.... and a good strong contender for me...
G.x -
I could envision this whole scene. I love you.
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otiose is one of those words that few use well -
you use it well within what is a gritty, pithy poem
me liked muchly
elaine
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It isn't one of those words that seem to go into a sentence very well, is it?
Thank you.
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Moments like these come and go, we take them as they come, and hope they pass quickly and do not come again for a while. Liked the use of space and the flow of these lines.
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ooh i love this--
see, it's not really a moment is it, it's a lifetime of moments slipping away.. burning up like ash
Oh and fuck me__::: fags in russia were SO cheap!! I bought 15 twenty packs (a lot of them to sell at school
) they were like.. 70p.. which is .. idk, under a dollar anyway 
anyway-- yes, this was dirty brilliant.. I can't decide actually whether the vibe i get is dirty faggyness.. or slightly more classy artistic smokey.. I'll have to re-read more.
In fact it reminds me of your russian roulette poem~~ which is by my pillow, i'ce missed all my poems on my walll..
"protest of smoke" ~~
love it-- seems an almost helpless protest to me though// the final go at it
loved this~~ x
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i like the word destitute.
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Me too!
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Oh, how I can relate to this; you described my morning routine to a tee..lol. I love the imagery of ashes on the mug, and not disturbing them!
"of the way my stomach
rests in lumps "
that's good stuff. I know exactly what you mean..
Excellent penning.
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Funny how smokers have a tendency to enlist the same quirks. The image of the ash in the coffee made me chuckle. I have left mine there and avoided disturbing its new resting place. Love the imagery here lady, and the meandering. I wish you the best in this challenge.
Much Love ♥
Renee
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I like this one a lot. It is chalk full of smoldering emotion and your descriptions in this one are excellent. But of course...
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