There is an underlying ache
Caused by shattered dreams and unknown paths ahead
Pulling me into its embrace the sadness calls out to me
I don't want to answer its endless echo so it comes closer
Its cold grasping hands reaching to touch my face
Its fluttering fingers tensing my muscles
Its frigid breath sending shivers down my spine
Its arms crushing me until the tears teeter
Just on the brink of falling
Threatening to crash over the cliffs of my lashes
Tumbling down the slopes of pale cheeks
Through me it reaches to my heart
My heartbeat thumps faster trying to fight off the sorrow
I tell myself I know better than this
I know better than to let the grief embrace me
Taking a deep breath I think it steps back
Yet when I am not looking the hurt creeps up like shadows in the night
Tumbling uninvited into my slumber
Tossing me restlessly as I close my eyes
Blissful dreams elude me as I battle the tears that are held within
Held so tightly behind a barage of strength
Strength that doesn't feel quite so secure any more
Not in the mirror of hidden hurts supposed to under lock and key
They somehow keep escaping into my conscious mind
Through days I move, like a puppet to reality
Strings pulled I sometimes feel I am only going through the motions
I once more walk alone in the darkened night
Then it comes again into full view
The ache - the crushing
I feel it lurking so close
I wish it would go and leave me be
I shove it away with all my might
I push it into the depths of far away caverns
Yet it returns like a heavy cloak about my shoulders
It settles around my form as it clings to me
I brush away a salty tear as I conclude that I can't force it away
It will leave me in its own time
I walk with its shadows
Realizing I find no comfort in sorrow's embrace
Author notes
+Nifty+ (sorry about that, forgot to paste the comment)
A contest entry
- Happy AP Birthday to Me!!!! by OutsideTheMirror.
625 points, ended March 13, 2007, 12 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Give Me Your Personal Best #3 (Prewrites Allowed) by aGent Lemon.
360 points, ended March 21, 2007, 27 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - THIRD TIME LUCKY by maa.
333 points, ended August 25, 2007, 7 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 24 of 24
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a masterfully crafted poem in every way - although I would consider your verse belonging into the DARK category, which I have excluded in this contest ... in itself, this is an absolutely wonderful write, you have amazing talent and a true gift of pulling the reader into your world ...
therefore, bravo !
maa
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wow what a deep and sad write. there is so much description and detials, it really lets the reader feel the pain.
thanks for entering and goodluck -
Deep
Man, you sure can write deep.I liked this very much and I t made me feel your sorrow.
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wow. you entered this into quite a few contests. good thing theres a quick comment option up here.
the first thing that strikes me about the piece is that its not divided into stanzas. that particular choice really bothered me as i read on to discover that its really quite narrative and would be much better served in terms of keeping up with the progression, by dividing it up. this could help better define exactly how you want the flow to happen.
the piece is indeed dark. dark poetry (as with all other kinds) has its cliches and its shortcomings and such. this falls victim to the fact in that its nothing particularly new to the genre. its rough imagery and jagged flow. i liked that you experimented wit ha bit of alliteration (whether intentional or not) in the "its..." lines (5-8). i think that really helped the piece a great deal in its introductory stage, but it seems like you lost that playfulness within the language as you continued.
you dwell too much on the tears in the piece. battling the tears within, burshing the tears away. its all a bit too overdramatic and redundant for me, but a welcome relief from the "it" that i gather grows from an ache into almost an incarnate of the fears and the pains, the beast that has settled beside you.
the biggest fault i have with the piece, and im surprised there were no comments below about it, is its wordiness. you say a lot in a fwe words, yes, but the few words you use really dont flow well.
"I don't want to answer its endless echo so it comes closer"
"Strings pulled I sometimes feel I am only going through the motions"
lines like these for example help with the whole long and short line play that dark poetry is known for, but they are such simplistic wordings that are simply metrically unappealing. if you plan to rework the piece, i would strongly advise reading it through aloud and seeing when you have to take breaths. youll find that it is too often in these too simply worded phrases.
much of your imagery is created through similie, which is a personal choice, but it also plays into this wordiness. im personally much more fond of a compact complex metaphor. let the reader draw their own lines between the situation and the imagery. theres no need for "like shadows in the night" and the sort.
the emotional appeal of the piece is truly its saving grace. i know i went on a bit of a tirade, but this is a pretty good piece. the emotional play here is great, and you really showcase your talents with it.
overall this piece is what i would consider one or two rewrites from a polished piece. the flow is a bit distracting, and some of your images are a little tired, but the piece tugs at the emotions of the audience, and it accomplishes what it set out to do.
good luck in the nine million contests. lmao.
DS
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Wow.
Grief. We've all felt it. And this poem makes me feel it. :] Very descriptive, as well as powerful.
Good write and good luck.
shinE* -
I see you are on-line because of the invite to chat that appears after the comment is posted. Please do not respond to my comment until the judging process is complete. I like the idea of not knowing who wrote what. (Blind Judging) Thank YOU!
Renee
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A very intense writ, filled with the reality of depression, sorrow, pain, darkness, and hurt that we all have experienced at one time or another. There are some every good line written here poet. For some reason in the beginning lines, the repeated "its" kinda of distracted me. Maybe the intensity in those lines could be heightened if "its" were removed in a few lines;
"Its cold grasping hands reaching to touch my face
fluttering fingers tensing my muscles
with frigid breath sending shivers down my spine
arms crushing me until the tears teeter"
Just my take on those lines is all, a mere suggestion. All in all the poem is splendidly written.
Thank you for this prewrite in my contest. I wish you well.
Much Love ♥
Renee
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Very Well Thought Out
Thank you very much for entering this contest. I may add much more of a comment later on since there are so many other submissions.
You may want to keep in mind that I will try to open more of the same contests one after another if I can earn enough feedback to do so which I must say would be truly appreciated. Altogether, I hope this will also give everybody a glimpse at one of you're favorite accomplishments which hopefully in turn inspire them to look at what else you've got. -
ok
this poem was nice alot of description and flow
Thanks for entering -
Great!
That was great, you are right I LOVED it.
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Superb/intriguing/sad
A fantastic write, to which I can easily relate. You brought back many poignant memories indeed. Your imagery and use of language is well suited to this piece. You are quite talented and I hope I'll be seeing many works of yours in the future.
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Expressive
This is a very expressive. There seems to be alot of emotion poured into thie work. You have made the reader sense how you are feeling in my opinion....nicely done.
LIZ
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The imagery in this took my breath away- you describe "sorrow's embrace" in painful, yet beautiful detail, step by agonizing step.
Thank you so much for entering!
.:Marie:. -
this was a very strong poem. I really enjoyed reading it and I like how it's dark. Great job!
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strong and dark..perhaps if the poem had been further edited it was made it more effective..though the topic chosen was impressive and the descriptions were well put...the intenseness and the power of the write uphold the intention of the poet..
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This is definitely a dark piece. I don't think you would fine comfort in sorrow's embrace anyways. There is no comfort in sorrow.
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Tumbling uninvited into my slumber
Tossing me restlessly as I close my eyes
Blissful dreams elude me as I battle the tears that are held within
Held so tightly behind a barage of strength
Strength that doesn't feel quite so secure any more
Not in the mirror of hidden hurts supposed to under lock and key
They somehow keep escaping into my conscious mind
this piece is excellent , I am so feeling you right now...I feel this way too at times ...great imagery here
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marvelous!
I could never be in more agreement with this poem.... you've captured what it truly means to feel sorrow beautifully and truthfully. Keep up the magnificent work! -
Extreamly emotional and well written. Wonderful use of words. I enjoyed reading this poem immensly. Good work!
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Awesome!!
very deep words and image form in mind when reading this .. great write.. Best of luck in the contest and thank you for sharing such emotion.
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A very sad write I love the tone so profound never over the top so much dignity in this description the end is hopeful and so true so many time after sorrow we come to realise that it does not help but somehow we have to go through those momment of deep pain to fell better. This is an excellent write I enjoyed reading it and it made me think.
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Wow
Wow I really dont know what to say here. What a vivid image you have painted in my mind. This is such a deep write it has my feelings going in many directions thank you for such a stimulating read.....
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I am very glad that you enjoyed this Michael. Although I would never ever wish someone to feel my own pain, it is good to know that by expressing it, we can make others understand. Maybe that is what poetry is really about. Helping others understand. Thanks again hun... Shella
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