'Were you alone in these nightmares"?
God- I prayed to be every damn night.
I figured;
If I just kept his attention, maybe he'd leave them alone.
"Them"?
Yes- I have three little sisters, and-
and their trauma is the pulsing rage of my own horror.
I was only four years old;
how old do you think that made them?
They were so small- so damn innocent.
He was their father for God's sake!
There own flesh and blood thrived off of their defenselessness.
He manipulated their happiness and degraded their future.
His vile touch decayed the purity of their smiles
and hindered their development.
"What was his name"?
I don't imagine why that would matter.
"It does".
I really doubt that his name makes a difference.
My sisters are all suspended in the past- forever-
their progess has been altered in variations.
Tiff is oversensitive and bi polar.
"Are you sure she is bi polar"?
Well with my studies in psychology... she marks all symptoms
She changes like the weather.
Has random spells of rage, fits, sometimes silence.
Drifting in and out of phases.
lately she has been rather promiscuous.
We live in a small town and everything gets around.
Too many people tell me too many things,
and I defend her every-time- threatening anyone who dares
to argue my knowledge of my little sister.
But- I know... I know that half of them are not lying.
I moved her into my home- under my care, and I talked to her
However she is touchy on subjects and very withdrawn.
I don't want to make her feel pushed or trapped.
She is only trying to find whatever she is missing.
She is only trying to capture what that bastard stole from her.
I know it!
Misti is outraged, aggressive, inward and violent.
She blames everyone for everything that happened to her.
She is mentally slower than the average individual and-
has never had therapy. She simply refuses it.
Jess is my baby sister. She was not even a year old!
Jess quit developing as far as the mind goes.
She is fifteen years old and lives at the level of a five year old.
She can not take care of herself and she has recently taken to testing suicide.
My baby sister cuts herself.
What five year old fucking cuts them-self?
Not only that, but when they take all sharp objects
She "improvises"
She suffocates herself with plastic bags.
I don't know what to do... I have tried everything.
How do I help her? How do I make it better?
I want to hold her and steal her pain.
"So, what has it done to you"?
What has it done?
Can you not fucking see me?
I am a God forsaken wreck.
I have to remember every damn day that it is my fault.
I was the oldest, I was supposed to protect them.
'You were four Ari- how is that your fault"?
I should have told-
I never said a damn thing
I never told
I never... and I could have
If you are so damn smart why don't you tell me?
You are the therapist sitting here observing me,
like a fucking test in a rat race.
Go ahead- analyze me
I beg you; to look deeper
Tell me, damn you-
You think I'm fucked up?
Do you?
Stuck? Well keep trying "Miss Answers"
*laughs bitterly* everything is a rationalization,
isn't it?
Just forget it- if I wanted you to piece anything together
I would paint the damn puzzle across your blind face.
"You're right, Ari"
"Okay... what exactly is haunting you"?
"What do your memories shatter you with"?
I do not have any particular memories.
What, you think I can summon a horrid instance;
unbury it on a whim for your judging pleasures?
Another project for you to master?
"Ari, focus now"
"you can't keep shutting me out- it won't help"
Are you deaf?
I remember... NOTHING!
Author notes
This is a series of poems for my personal therapy.
~Part one~The Torn Pages Of Arianna
http://allpoetry.com/poem/2635054
~Part three~ Inside Arianna
http://allpoetry.com/poem/2683764
A contest entry
- I'm leaving... by Aeonna.
450 points, ended February 16, 2007, 15 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Sadness and bitterness mixed together, it's a horrible fate and yet, I don't blame you for the resentment in ways, though it's not your fault, because at that age you didn't really understand the basic concepts, you didn't understand at all at that kind of age. You weren't 14, or 15 and even if you were, abusers can play mind games on you, that's how they work, to make you not tell. Very descriptive however, very intense.
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nice poe
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beyond brilliant
You have a lot on your plate. That, good gosh. It was absolutly awesome. I am no "Miss Answers" [sorry for the pun] but this piece was suspenseful and very clever!! I hope everything works out and heals with the scars, without them being infected, figuately speaking. You are in my thoughts and prayers Ms. Devotions. You always have beautifiul work to read. You never cease to amaze me. Take care
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Thank you for your beautiful contest. I hope this helps heal a little too... right now it is only breaking me down but I am not giving up. Maybe in the end I will feel better.
Youa re also in my prayers and I thank you for taking the time.
Amy -
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your cerianly welcome
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you know, as i read this, it get more and more into it, does this help, i mean really, cause like you i have a story to tell, and it may not be as harsh as this one, but if this helps it will be a load off my mind.
but to the point at hand, i am now kind of pissed, i got so into this, that i slammed my hand into the wall, i got something i have to fix later, but this is just not right, i don't know if this is real or not but man, keep it flowing and good luck in the contest -
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Thank you for following this. As painful as this is, yes it is real. All too very real, that is why the end cuts off like that; I just wasn't stong enough last night to go any further. None of these are planned out, it is all just a vent and so it will progress, and I am sure at times it will become withdrawn, but it will all be there.
I am not sure if it will help or not. Writing has been my sanctuary and release post for 9 years now so I figure it will help. Right now it is making me fall apart because it is forcing me to remember everything and unbury it, but I have been so depressed and lost that it was never really buried... just denied and bottled up. I think you should try it too, I am sure it will help atleast a little, even if only to get it out of your heart and in the open instead of being hidden and trapped. I will follow yours as well and you remain in my thoughts and my prayers.
Amy
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