Six feet under yet my heart still beats.
Chest rises each breath then slowly
repeats.
Darkness surrounds me no light do I see,
My body is weak can never break free.
The burdens have caused me to turn to
these pills, death is so certain if the
bottles aren't filled.
No longer can I function in a daily
routine, hell and reality I'm stuck
in between.
Eyes that once sparkled now dusty and
void, every glimmer of hope has now
been destroyed.
My life ended all sanity lost, by playing
with fire no matter the cost.
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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this is a great write, i have to say you are one of the only people on here who rhyme alot and that i actually enjoy because you can pull it off without feeling forced, you still have a natural flow and feel to your work.
awesome
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Thanks
Thanks so much for the comment. This was written some time ago. I have not been in an "inspiring" mood in awhile. Alot of personal things going on right now. Your comment was a nice surprise to me tonight. I really appreciate it, Traci
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very good
but hard to read with red/ black background
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Wow, honestly did enjoy this poem...Darkness very deeply expressed and in an efficatious manner if I may say so, Awesome flow...
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No longer can I function in a daily
routine, hell and reality I'm stuck
in between.
that's my favourite line
this is too good
almost like my style of writing
I hope you do get better
and erm
i have to add on
that i agree with what jonnyfaint said
you just have to work on your grammer
though i dont understand what he said by rhyme
i dont find much problem in that
anyway
thanks for sharing
hope u feel better
~* NeveR *~
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cliche
Move person! in a poem like this you can not afford to say things like "darkness sourronds me". You simply can not. You should fill this poem with what haunts you, the strangeness, the bizarre movments of rose along the fringe of where you bathe. This topic is diffcult, becuase if you do not present something original you will look like everyone else. And, worst of all your poem will be wood for the fire. Cut yourself off from pop music, look to what images move you. DO NOT RHYME unless you want familirize yourself with rhyme poetry. MOVE! READ POETRY!!! that is so important.
Also, work on your grammar. There should be comas within lines like
My body is weak can never break free
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Giving up
I like the first part because it is hard to break free from something that is dragging you down, or slowly killing you.i have found myself wanting things to stop to come to an end,my health drags me down into a pit of dread.I sit here waiting for a Kidney Transplant.well i'm sitting and waiting i'm living on a machine.that can drive you over the edge.I realy like your poem i like line 4,5.I can't see the light and i think i'll never be free.i have nothing to pick apart on this poem i think it speaks the truth when we are overcome with to much.i'm tired of health problems but i've really had enough of people who are related or friends and such dying to close together.This is very well said.
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Thanks so much for your reply Bee. That's exactly what I was writing about. I am suffering some major health problems right now and I think battleing depression as well. I've always been on the "poor health" side since I was a child. I will be 30 on Monday and that is really bothering me as well. I know it's not "old" but I am seeing the gray hairs, fine wrinkles, and my youngest starts school this year so no more babies at home. I'm in a lot of pain everyday and I am probably addicted to all the pain meds now. Just having a rough time I guess. Sorry to complain...I really appreciate the comment and hope you get well soon.
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Smile!!!
DreameeDarlin,
Perhaps you should see a nutritionist and a person who knows herbs. I believe Oriental doctors know some about herbs. But, main-stream doctors have more of an eye on attempting to gain the most riches and the drug companies fill their (doctor's and drug companies) pockets for prescribing "their" addictive money generaters. We, humans, are herbivores and the body knows how to use the contents of organic supplements (herbs - possibly only vegetables and eating correctly) to regrow and\or remanufacture defective parts of the human machine.
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a compelling story
sadness regret and a cautionary tale
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Great Poem
I loved your poem! It was a sad and It made my heart go out to you. A good Poem Gives someone feeling about what is being said. It takes metaphores and compressed words and puts them together in order to make the largest impact with the fewest words. In this poem i believe you acomplished this well. The way you used "Hell and "Reality" is a good example, You did not use them literaly but it made a comparison to where we could under stand that you were having a hard time and that maybe it felt a little sureal. Its like when people say that they are "Stuck Between a Rock and a Hard place" its not literal but it means something. A good poem also does not always have to ryme but the fact that yours does, doesn't make it bad. I think that Ryming went Very well in this poem. Keep up the good work and always"TELL IT FROM THE HEART".
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Good stuff.
I'm feeling this one.....
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and a hot and terrible fire it can be, this piece was well written and its intent was well described here, well doen with this
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Wowowow. I realllllly liked this! hahah. This, by far is the best poem I've read in a while.
no joke. For some reason, I can relate to this..and your choice of words just flowed wonderfully. Great job! Keep up the amazing work!
Tori
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