Baby, no.
Please.
Don't.
[Down the dark alleyway, stained with the crimson lovers of yesterday.]
[Away from the hustle of the busy city. Alone. With her. God, she's pretty.]
Well, maybe.
Just,
Maybe.
[From her back pocket, she pulls out the stick, c'mon smoke it real quick.]
[Suffering. Recollection. Knowing that it will never be enough. Nicotine addiction.]
Let's, later.
Hours.
Minutes.
[Still in the alley, no one around. Fists pound walls, feet off the ground.]
[Together, at last. Keep close. Keep it slow, never fast.]
Yes, now.
Here.
Together.
[Can feel hearts intertwined. Blood rushing, emotions filling the mind.]
[Lipstick smudged. Mascara smeared. Clothes rumpled. Expressions mirrored.]
Oh, yeah.
This.
Is it.
[Two broken once lovers. Once haters. Once pure. And once fakers.]
[Together, at last. Here. Now. This is it. Time will not pass.]
Author notes
The picture for that contest really inspired this. It is a new form for me, and I sorta like it. I hope everyone does too. =]
A contest entry
- hey [bro/ken baby] give me your world. by makeout kid.
475 points, ended February 19, 2007, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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this was beautiful, emotional, and powerful. great job. i did love the ending, however, i had a problem with 'Two broken once lovers' i dont think once goes there, i dont know if it was an error or thats how you wrote it. maybe 'two once broken lovers' would work better? awesome job.
-the existentialist -
i like this
i love the ending=] -
[Away from the hustle of the busy city. Alone. With her. God, she's pretty.]- i like that line
this is a really good. i like the form alot. great job.
sam
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Descriptive
This is more of a short story, or a vidbite into someones life than a poem to me. I prefer your old style, because in this one you lose an awful lot of your beat/rhythm. The use of Baby irritates me purely for the fact you repeat it far too many times! I enjoyed the couplets though, they made this poem for me-and by the way you haven't replied to my IM ^^
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I agree, I just wrote this for a contest.
And I only used 'Baby' 3 times, is it that obtrustive? (I don't hear it, but you might)
And I swore I did reply to your IM!! (It is in my history, about glitch in communication..But I could send it again/another)
~WU
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very deep. and i just saw the picture and it fits perfectly with what i imagined. good work and format. loved the word choice
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Down the dark alleyway, stained with the crimson lovers of yesterday
this whole piece was brilliant.
but i loved that line right there.
this is incredible.
good luck.
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