Open window blows a whisper
A calling from long ago
Jaded past life
Hollowed out memories
Lost souls seeking refuge
Denying all spoken terms
Forgotten truth from decaying lies
This deception tearing away
Endless pain inside
Closed window brings silence
Isolated cry's for years to come
Author notes
Could be better.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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The images presented here are separately very powerful. Together I'm not sure they connect as well as they could or show as much fluidity as possible. That's not to say of course that your piece does not have merit, I enjoyed taking the time to think about some of the thoughts you presented, because as I say, they were powerful. It might also just be my perspective, the criticism I often receive is that I'm too wordy. I just think it might be easier to connect with the reader if you worked on the phrasing a bit. Overall though I liked it a lot, thanks!
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VERY GOOD
the perspective is very powerful and I must admitt that the emotions revealed here are more philosophically approached rather than in the usuall ordinry manner.the title is common but the lines compensate all!bravo to the intriguing circle structure "open/closed windos".the effect is splendid!well done!keep up! -
Oh this is powerful...I like the introduction that line sets up the atmosphere with the imagery and i feel that breeze and hear the whispere i am there. As the lines nfold the story told I feel there is more to these words a few layers for life as well. Your words flow smoothly and have a real feel good with a great message. Thank you for the pleasure of the read...nicely penned
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Closed window brings silence
Isolated cry's for years to come
you have sketched here a true picture of the subject...very touchy description indeed...The emotions here are just stirring the mind of the readers and focusing an internal picture of the muse of life which is just painful with reference to its approach... a great work indeed
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