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What the Subway did to me

my life has a steady heart beat
      in everything I do

ruts go from my house
    to the bus
      to the subway

House.
    Bus.
        Subway.

my finger marks
  are worn into the coin spot on the bus
      are worn into the numbers for my pin number


my eyes lazered
  into the sign that says stop # 49
      into the brick walls

Author notes

i would never be able to live in a city

draft 2

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 14 of 14

  • flight
    July 27

    Edit | Reply
    very intriguing. though i feel like the transition between these lines is odd:
    are worn into the coin spot on the bus
    are worn into the numbers for my pin number

    like maybe you need an "and" after the word bus
    also a strange transition between the two last lines
    i feel as though the word it should be rephrased.
    maybe something like:
    my eyes lazered
    into the sign in the brick walls
    that says stop #49

    or maybe that isn't what you were trying to say?

    other than that i think this is very good, unique.
    peace to all ~flight


  • micol
    January 2, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Works nicely. Indentations as structure and as signals of shift in image/meaning works better here than is so often the case. There is a logic to the movement of eye across the page that counterpoints the movement down the page.

    Much indeed said in the compass of few lines. Good eye for the single specific that makes the abstract/general understandable.


  • Riftkin gold member
    September 12, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    you have done wonders here
    I love it for it speaks
    and that is what a good poem
    should do
    speak to the reader

    Riftkin


  • Swan song gold member
    September 8, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Very good One i should be I but that is only opinion not a full requirment


  • NurseChilly gold member
    February 24, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I would love to see this tighter and less pronouns and nouns... it's a bit me, my, this and that... at the moment... ??? (only my opinion)... I can see where you're going with it and with a little more work and some fine tuning and a pare down..... you could have a corker of a piece... .....

    I will however say... many thanks for entering our contest and good luck too.

    G.x


  • Cat gold member
    February 20, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    i would eliminate the final stanza here- don't wrap the poem up in a moral- your poem spoke for you already without packaging it in cellophane-
    i like this one- good voice
    thanks for entering the contest
    m


  • grannyeri gold member
    February 17, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Yes, I think that routine, that monotone would get to me too - city life is not for me, even though I like to visit there on occasion. Enjoyed your poem about these well worn ruts and finger prints.

  • lucas18187
    February 16, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    nice,ya,im in the country,its nice,except for now,since there is about 4 feet of snow on the ground,good write


  • lexy23
    February 16, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    nicely done.
    I like your topic and the way you've caught everyday life for you in your poem. well done xx


  • flight
    February 15, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    You expressed monotone without being monotone!!
    Pretty cool Miss Ashely!!

    peace to all ~flight


  • checkmate
    February 15, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Wow. This is a wonderful piece. The imagery is vivid and every line is perfectly captured. Honestly, this is amazing! Best of luck in the contest!

1 - 14 of 14