She flows like a river. She's never at rest,
just moving at gravity's heedless behest.
No place to call home but the bed of her path
that carries her downward. Inside her, a wrath
uncontrollable, surges between her soft shores.
It hides in deep currents, or, in rapids, roars
so at odds with her gentle and beautiful face:
her smile, her sweet eyes...her frail form and her grace.
She runs from the cold, heedless hands of the cruel:
unwelcome, unwanted (afraid, as a rule
of all that surrounds her). Her Spirit is Flame
but she flows like a river, for River's her name.
© MMVII
Author notes
To understand the poem, it might help if you've watched an episode or two of "Firefly".
( To get the feel, it might help to hear the reading at http://www.normpo.com/~Eric/sadwaters.mp3 )
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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a Firefly tribute Eric?
I never got into the series all that much myself but from the few bits I do remember of it, this seems pretty accurate to Summer Glau's portrayal. -
Incredible writing!
I've never seen the show, but that really isn't relevant. This poem is superb on it's own - whether it is about the character in that show or not. I'm very impressed. And hearing you recite it was awesome. I think I may have told you before how cool I think your voice is and that you should do voice-over work and audio books. I took a class in that and discovered that there is big money to be made especially in the audio book area. It is labor intensive and tedious - not as easy as one might think - and there is much preparation that takes place before the actual recording begins - but that is what makes it such a lucrative career. Your voice is exceptional.
(If you need an agent......let me know). 
This poem is stellar, Eric! You have a very unique style that I wish you'd share with us more frequently.
Crissy
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Hell, yes, I need an agent! Find me that work and collect your 10%!!!
(I really need the work, and I've been "voice talent" before...I know the drill!) -
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You got a demo CD?
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I do four or five good accents and a couple that are presentable for a line or two at a time.
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Not yet...but gimme a day or so. I can throw in several poems I've already recorded and read off some chapters of stuff I have on the shelf.
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Your 'Scottish' was quite convincing!
(Ah the peat)!
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You've got some feedback here Eric. I read it this morning a few times and came back to see you had added the audio, so I'm glad I waited to comment.
I had difficulty with #8 earlier. Been giving it some thought as I was working. It has nothing to do with omitting 'frail' or anything else, you need that. You know I am not a fan of the ellipsis, so I thought it could be that which bugged me. Then I thought, 'too many "her"s . Anyway, as you say below, the meter works perfectly, and more so in the audio where all those picky things meld and 'flow'. (I hate that 'flow' thing, it is always an easy cop out in a crit, doncha think? In this case I mean literally flow of the words as representing the actual flow of the river).
Okay- taken as a personification of the river as a female, rather than a particular female as the river, it is delightful piece just on that one level. Line 8 where I had the problem makes sense to me as a sort of volte that are a pre-requisite of a sonnet somewhere from half way to the end. I took this line to be where the thoughts of the guy looking at the river turned to the woman and to the characteristics shared but now foremost in the woman as opposed to the preceding lines which were primarily about the river, but cuased the thoughts to turn to the woman.
The backstory is left for the reader to bring his own interpretation, and I think most people can find something in their own experience to empathise with the poet as he contemplates the river and the woman; the reader can find enough to say, yeah- that's about Daisy-May as well as Mr Lee's girl.
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It really distresses me that I can't go higher than five stars for this comment, Stef.
I wasn't really happy with all the repeats of "her" in line eight either...but how else do you do that? I needed to list the things ... *all* the things (or as many as I could!) that were so at odds with the rage inside her. You correctly identified that line as the volte. It also appears to be the 'flaw' in the poem (discounting the commas that half my commentors seem so distressed with, of course! LOL)
I haven't done justice to your crit by any means, but I have to stop here. So many people are commenting here that apparently don't know 'Firefly' that maybe I should go ahead and try to do this, inadequate as I know I'll be.
The show, set some 500 years in the future, centers around the crew of a Firefly-class space transport vessel called Serenity, in a solar system divided between the inner core "civilized" planets of the Alliance and the less civilized planets that had once been independant (and are now simply subdued).
The vessel's captain had fought in that war, on the side of the Independants, and was finally captured in the final battle of the war--the Battle of Serenity Valley. His second in command on the ship was corporal to his sergeant in that war, and Serenity takes any job, legal or not, that will keep fuel in the tank and food on the table.
The dynamic of the crew is the chief attraction of the series.
Enter Dr. Simon Tam as a passenger...a once incredibly successful surgeon in the Alliance who gave up everything and became a hunted fugitive for "kidnapping" his little sister from an academy/laboratory where her brain was being systematically re-manufactured because of her potential as both a supergenius and a psychic. He smuggles River on board in cryo-sleep and while (once discovered) River remains a patient and a passenger, Simon becomes part of the crew as ships medic. He never stops trying to learn what has been done to his sister and how to mend it.
River is (at that time) sixteen...fragile, borderline psychotic, sporadically psychic, delicate, ballerina-graceful, brilliant and potentially (because of the conditioning she's undergone) lethal. She's enchantingly played by Summer Glau. At times just a delightful little girl, at times filled with insane rage, at times shiveringly helpless, she's the subject of this poem...but as you say, this could be about anyone's Daisy-May, as well, and I'm glad you noted that.
I do wish everyone could see the show...it only lasted a single season...and the movie, "Serenity", that completes the story. It may be Joss Whedon's finest work. It's certainly high on my list of things I'll watch again and again; I own the series AND the movie on DVD and I watch them often. In my own set of science-fiction appreciation, it has long since outstripped any of the many incarnations of Star Trek...and River is probably the main reason for that. -
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This is an amazing (and completely accurate) summary. For the benefit of those who are unfortunate to not have seen Firefly or Serenity, I would like to put in a few things, if I may. However, these are your comments, so I will start a thread.
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It hides in deep currents, or in rapids roars
^too many commas
I love the physical description of flow quiet strong
drawn downward
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LOL...everyone hates my comma-usage!
What can I say...fifth grade for me was a very long time ago, and as I told Das, below, "when I was taught to punctuate, the rule was firm...a prepositional phrase calls for a bracket of commas. "In rapids" is a prepositional phrase."
(That's not a defense of the poem, just an exposition of the fact that I'm locked in a mindset.)
"Defense of the poem" would be that there is no definition of "punctuation's rules as changed for poetry"...so readers of poetry should stop trying to assign commas any special meaning just because they happen to occur inside poems! (And this was all written semi-tongue-in-cheek because, though I did mean it all, it really was just a whole lot of fun to finally say it out loud!
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I am not familiar with the show at all nor do I honestly know what this is suppose to represent, however, these words were haunting in a sense...Only because all I could see was this amazing spirit of strength that the world sees and on the inside, the spirit seeks shelter, refuge, protection...etc...
A well written poem to say the least and I love anything that can take your soul away into a time of reflection
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Chyna! How nice to see you here!
I feel so helpless right now...with you and Kimberly seeing so *close* to what I'm trying to express, but not knowing the character, you can't see how right you are! (Imagine that you had just said five things absolutely on-target about Ophelia from reading a poem about her, then told me you'd never heard of "Hamlet" at all.)
I feel frustrated that the two of you can't *know* how on-target your perceptions are...but I feel very gratified that you could read River so well from just this poem.
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The last four lines of this were wonderful, and over all the piece set forth a not-unlikeable image. The only issue I have is in line 9... its streched about as far as it can be without breaking. Maybe consider rephrasing this one line? Be nice to have the work be 100%.
~Das -
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Hi, Das...thanks for your comment.
Please don't think me argumentative or defensive, but I really don't understand what you're saying about line nine. The beat-count is in line with the rest of the poem...is it something in the meaning that you feel is "stretched"?
You're right that I'd want it to be 100%...but I don't know, from the words you've given me, what to fix. Can you help me out a bit with that? -
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If it were up to me I'd solve it simply by kicking the word; "frail" from the line.
That might be taking the easy way out... but solves the flow problem.
The commas around rapids keep tripping me up in line 7 as well. I'd ditch them... hell with the consequences. -
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Okay...I see where some of the confusion arose, anyway.
None of what you just mentioned occurs in line 9...'her frail form' is in line 8 and the rapids are in line six.
I can understand how some tongues might trip over "frail form", but it does complete the beat-count, not run over it, and I like the alliteration it presents. Apart from this, (River being a young and vulnerable girl) I didn't want even a hint of lust to appear in mention of "her form". All that together, I think the use of frail is what I was looking for.
Regarding the commas...it's clear that we're not only of two different schools of thought but of two different generations. I don't make "poetic allowance" in punctuation...I punctuate my poetry just as I would my prose. I know that for you, at (I'm guessing here...mid-twenties?) your age, the rules were probably taught you more loosely...I'm fifty and when I was taught to punctuate, the rule was firm...a prepositional phrase calls for a bracket of commas. "In rapids" is a prepositional phrase.
I DO...VERY MUCH...appreciate you coming back to help me clear this up, but I think I'm gonna have to keep it as it is; the loss of the word "frail" would too greatly change my meaning in line 8, and I just can't make myself commit the punctuational lapse you want in line 6. I can't accept "hell with the consequenses" in my work.
Thank you again, though, for coming back to clarify this for me. I appreciate the discussion. -
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To each his own, of course... and I wouldn't want you to think that I was saying ANYTHING that would take away from the overall stellar quality of this work.
We are from two different schools... I believe strongly that flow reigns supreme over all... no matter what, even content. (A message diffcult or annoying to read is not getting communicated.)
In any case, allow me to reiterate... this is a very nice piece you have here. Well done! -
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I gathered that...and I appreciate the ongoing dialog, too.
I could wish I weren't so locked into the mindset of "punctuate CORRECTLY!!" but when I delete the commas it just looks so *wrong* to me that I have to put them back. I'm saddened that it seems to detract from the flow for some readers (and I really think that the commas are being "over-read"...a comma doesn't always mean a pause as such...certainly not a caesura...) but I do understand that the rules are not being taught today the way they were when I was in that stage of my schooling, and that today's teachers ARE saying that, first and foremost, "a comma is a pause", so I guess I understand why they seem to trouble younger readers.
(Take my word for it, though...in "my day" we were taught that their first job was to distinguish separations in parts of a sentence.)
I agree that "flow reigns supreme over all"...I've just never managed to convince myself that commas are a detriment to flow. That's my hang-up in my head. I wish I could satisfy both of us and so get that "100%" from you. I'm glad that you still find the piece enjoyable. -
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The problem you're facing is, I think, that langauge, especially English, is an ever evolving communication.
I know that goes without saying... but there is very much an adapt or die attitude.
This is entirely necessary... the scope and breadth of humanity compells new creations come, that is to say orgininality, from the breaking of old rules and the creation of new emphasis.
This paradigm is commonplace in music, and that is the clearest example I can provide.
My teenage daughter, I know, would agree. -
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(sigh)
Not the first area where I been called "a dying breed".
Oh well...it's been since '96 since any of my work sold, anyway. Nowadays, publishers who used to love me write back "Eric, don't you know real poets don't rhyme anymore?" -
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By the way, I just listened the reading you provided... and I have to say... if you don't read into the comas and know to provide the hidden pause in the Line 8*, it comes across perfect.
* - I just realized you were right about the line count... my bad. -
Hey... you had work that SOLD. I'll never be able to say that.
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Wonderful and original poem for a wonderful and original show! I loved it. I'm glad you like Firefly. Thank you for writing this amazing (as usual) poem!
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I knew you'd get it. (Big Smile!)
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As I read through each line, I felt that first breath of fear in the words, "Inside her, a wrath uncontrollable, surges between her soft shores", it shows the protagonist feeling a sense of control slipping from her grasp which is something none of us like feeling. Your work is always so cohesive before you ever post it, I cannot imagine your readers not enjoying the fine workmanship you display. I am not sure of the message you are trying to convey here, but for me, as I read this, I get of sense of... "The most difficult thing in this world is to win against yourself." Beautiful work Eric!
♥ Touchof1der
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I'm guessing that you haven't seen the sci-fi series "Firefly" and aren't at all familiar with the character in question, Kim? If so, you made some startlingly accurate deductions!
River is not a character I can summarize here...Firefly is not a show I can summarize, either, really; there's just too much there! I imagine you might love it (and come to love River) as much as I do, though...so if you ever get the chance, SEE it!
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