February 15, 2007
In the dark of the night,
Eyes: dark, piercing, mesmerizing, intense, sad pools of sensual mystery, icy glittering
Her hands curled under the white antique window frame
Nose: slim, down to a fine rounded point
Her muscles don’t strain anymore from doing this
Mouth: full lips, slightly down-turned at the corners, beautiful
Her first leg swings over the ledge onto the drainpipe
Face: gaunt, sharp angles, strangely arresting
Her hand clutches at the sill to stop the propulsion from the eagerness of the first leg
Jaw: strong, determined, chiseled
Her other leg swings and she is sitting on the sill
Ears: pointed like an elf, one earring a band of gold half way up to the point
Her eyes scan the darkness looking for a drop-point
Hair: tousled short brown, highlights
Her legs tense for the spring
Personality: proud, strong-willed, brave, cruel and friendly at the same time, but always loyal
Her body is flying through the air
Past: seen to much as a child, abuse and death
Her feet touch the ground on the balls and bounce lightly to keep her balance
Attitude: hates the world, constantly tense, untouchable
Her feet move forward into his arms
Feelings then: Love, pride, joy, protective.
The floodlights come on and I realize
She left footprints.
Author notes
Feel free to take any of the discriptive stuff. The first line is the girlfriend and the second line is the boyfriend (and so on). The boyfriend is also The indented lines.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Alice, I loved this piece. Period. The split narration and feeling of a kind of almost job description mixed with the actual motions the character is going through was amazing. I also loved the last two lines:
"The floodlights come on and I realize
She left footprints."
Which I think really made the whole thing: Building it all up and then blowing it to pieces as one of the narratior's realize that, indeed, she is still at least partly human.
The only thing I'd like to critique on was that the descriptive narritive stays strictly emotional a concentrates on her face/head. Now, I'm not saying go all [at least completely] erotic on me, I'm just pointing out that he must have some sort of opinion on her body, be it good or bad (men are pigs, so play with their minds).
But that's really it, fantastic write.
Love,
Bren
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