grandma’s apron
hangs from the chair ~
smell of meatloaf
Author notes
12 syllable
Unsure if this is categorized as modern Haiku
In a list
A contest entry
- TAKE A BREAK FROM NATURE! - Haiku-Senryu Contest by sandgoddess.
600 points, ended April 1, 2007, 29 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Seventeen syllables by Hiatus.
1350 points, ended May 1, 2007, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Honest feedback and constructive criticism please!
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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two senses
this delicious haiku employes the use of two senses - the visual in the first two lines and the smell in the final line.
the words are well chosen and the images paint a picture of cosy domesticity. the fact that the cook is a grandmother evokes a feeling of security and kindness.
a true poet is one who trusts in their images. this poem suggests that you are a true poet.
best wishes on your haiku journey,
myron.
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I really like this haiku. It brings memories of my mother and the wonderful cook that she was. Good luck in the contest.
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grandma’s apron
hangs from the chair ~
smell the meatloaf
I like the revision you have made, it does allow the reader to share in a greater way rather than just being an idle spectator. A lot of good advise is generated in workshop type contest. the writer needs to decide which they think would best enhance their work. Thanks again for sharing.
Dennis -
grandma’s apron
hangs from the chair ~
I smell meatloaf
Nice image and senses that relate objects, memories and all that - makes the reader think and that is important.
On that point, maybe to involve the reader more the final line could read 'the smell of meatloaf'
It lets us smell it as well
Alan
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Mmmmm
I would smell Sunday dinner, roast and potatoes. Nice clear imagery--sight and smell! Charlynn
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grandma’s apron
hangs from the chair
I smell meatloaf
An intriguing senryu, thanks for entering it into the contest.
L1 & L2 set the scene and flow well together. Perhaps a - or ~ should be placed at the end of line 2 if you wish to place a break in the syntax at this place in the poem.
L3 seems to take the reader for a trip down memory lane with the mention of the smell of meatloaf. I assume that the apron did not actually still smell of meatloaf but that the sight of this apron brought back pleasant memories of a dear relative and the wonderful cooking associated with her.
Well constructed giving the reader the opportunity to experience this scene by way of their own imaginations. Very nice.
Dennis -
I love it! it's awesome. And haiku's can be hard, in my opinion!
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Thanks for submitting a poem in this contest. Comments will be made in a day or so.
Dennis -
well, i thought they were still suppossed to follow the 5-7-5 syllabic pattern? I keep getting conflicting answers, but as taught in school, that is the way it's suppossed to go, regardless. Otherwise very nice and well done piece for the contest! Not that you ever do less than good work!! At least not that I ahve seen on here!
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I loved my grandma's cooking too. Wow so much in so little I just loved this Haiku. Excellent write
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