While ripping off reindeer antlers
I open the door before the car has stopped,
I've got to get to you
Your lips whispered my name.
Millions of lights reflect to and fro
and the only sound I hear are the padding of my shoes,
Father Christmas porters go from side to side
I run between them, lost.
Corridors twist as I'm on my knees
searching for your face,
nurses draw curtains to stop me
I ask anyone where you are.
Getting led down the ward
spotlight leakes from the shawl around your bed,
now I'm here for you,
I'll try to make it better.
Puffy face splashed with blood,
Baby girl's so hot, slimy with cold sweat,
but you asked for me
so I came straight away.
Stroking blonde long hair,
bandages cover passages to your heart,
you shake, retch and cry.
I whisper, 'I've missed you'.
A contest entry
- the best you can do! (for our none acomplished writers) by honey bear.
550 points, ended March 4, 2007, 32 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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This was beautiful and very deeply written. You captured the intensity and emtion within this piece and wrote it to it's fullest potential!!!
Wonderful job
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This is so sad and heartbreaking.Sorry for your pain and the one of whom you wrote about.You are a gifted writer.Do not understand why you did not win as it was truely well written.You got alot of talant.The title you chose was perfect and the flow and rythem was perfect.I think that it should have won.
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Oh wow!
This made me cry tears for remembrance. My niece was in and out of the hospital so much for a couple of years. This took me instantly back to those times when she'd cry for me and no one else. I am so glad you decided to share this piece! Thank you so much.
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Great write.
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aww.. this is very good , and brings to mind what it would feel like had my own child been rushed to hospital and i had to get to her fast
i dont understand why you have entered it in this contest though as it is too good to win a *for those that are not very good* contest as i am surprised that this has not won a cup for being good!
thank you for entering though my friend i enjoyed this emotional but very good write
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Thank you for your lovely comments, they are very much appreciated Peace and best wishes to you.
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Wow, your imagery is really Descriptive. The poem is sad, yet I can also say romantic, hence the last line:
"I whisper, 'I've missed you'."
Very well written poem.
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I enjoy the confidence of your directness..honesty..full throttle approach...
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Thanks very much for reading and responding to my poem, peace and best wishes to you
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I was a little confused on this line:
Baby girl's so hot, slimy with cold sweat,
I tried for a while to understand it and just couldn't.
However on the rest of the poem, you used vivid imagery and basically narrated your trip through the hospital from the car and expressed your sense of being lost.
Quite a bit of the poem is also full of various emotions that mix well together but I had the feeling it was going to be a violent poem with the opening line of
While ripping off reindeer antlers
but I see you used that to express your anxiety and desperation to reach him.
I've already commented on one of your poems and I feel that this poem was better than the last one I commented on.
Nice Job
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Thanks for your comments, that line you weren't sure about is because the person I was going to see in hospital was a little girl not a guy. Hope that helps clarify it, thanks again
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