This is dedicated to all those who sighed,
while crumpled up in bed their tears never dried,
whispering 'why don't I look the everyone says I should be?
It hurts so bad not wanting to be me.'
Sweating until translucent skin shows only bone
each breath released brings with it a moan,
personalities left in pieces, they all feel so alone.
This is dedicated to all those who cried,
while ripping pages from magazines as their stomaches tied,
those girls who sat on the floor trembling,
trying to forget but can't stop remembering,
the little girl who was so filled with doubt,
her mind was screaming just trying to get out,
as she struggled to realise what life's all about.
This is not dediacetd to all those who lied,
while sat in offices they pretended girls never died,
saying one thing but always meaning another,
they use their good intentions as a flawless cover,
vunerable minds soaked in every picture they saw,
while thick painted faces dreamed of being more,
and the ones who lied simply slipped out the back door.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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...it's really something... and yes, true harmony
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Haiku Killer said that this poem had no rhythm, but I disagree. I thnk there is rhythm written all over it. You just have to approach it in the mood that the poem releases, like, connect with the words. This is a fantasticly written piece, There are various issues that many people can relate to, and I can relate somehow to the second stanza, but not so much with the others.
However, I do agree with Haiku Killer's point of the line:
"whispering 'why don't I look the everyone says I should be?"
It doesn't make sense, maybe you have mistyped a word? But the poem is great. I don't see why you have critism from your tutors at college, writing is a form of releasse for many, and they should be encouraging of your work. I appreciate your sharing of this work, and hope to read more in the future.x
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The contest of this one is good, but the rhythym just wasn't there. It seemed to jump from 1 line to another and didn't have a smooth flow and I felt the grammar was lessened and sacrified for a better rhyming scheme
For example, this line just doesn't make sense:
whispering 'why don't I look the everyone says I should be?
several other lines also had this problem.
Sorry I just didn't like this poem, good luck writing though -
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I know what you mean about the rhyme scheme, its not my strong point but I thought I'd give it a try anyway. Thanks for reading and responding though, I think its always important to get an honest opinion. Peace and best wishes
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while thick painted faces dreamed of being more,
and the ones who lied simply slipped out the back door.
I really like those lines..a lot. -
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Thanks for reading and responding to my poem, its appreciated. Best wishes.
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