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Crushed Under My Feet

Of the million feet

that have pounded

this city block, 

a small plastic flag

has been desecrated

under my own,
property of 

a fellow Wall St. mogul
whose groans echo

off his empty lapel; 
one who trades

aluminum

a nickel per share,
under the steely glance

of tall giants 

in their rich marbled suits;


Stars and stripes

soon to be tossed about

like ticker tape

by cold, unpredictable  winds;
a formidable enemy

he has chosen to face,
I meet his tortured glance

following it to a leg

I know is not his own,
another trade,

this one on a Hanoi street,

my freedom

for what could have been;

 

Awkwardly I  hand him

my breakfast

and more than a few dollars,

with a silent prayer

he'll return home

from the war;

I walk on

towards Market Street,

greedy as all the rest,

another morning hungry,

and late for work;
I won't complain,

as my thoughts return to

the brave man I call father,

who I  remember
always loved his ham and eggs.

Author notes

Option #3 - poem that tells a story
My deepest appreciation for all service men and women and veterans especially for their loved ones who spent Valentines day without them.

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

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Comments

1 - 28 of 28

  • xxRainbowDawnxx
    March 31, 2007
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    Those who serve individuals and countries from policemen/woman, to social workers - soldiers and the army, hospitals and the such... They all save us, every little helps. We should thank these people more, but we take them for granted while we get on with our lives.


  • dp robertson
    March 21, 2007

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    This is more interesting than it at first appears. Unfortunately there are a few too many trite clichés that riddle the piece and ultimately distract but there is a feel to this that threads the whole thing together in a readable fashion. It would benefit greatly with an increased focus on the heart of the piece where the visuals aid that rather than the irrelevant periphery.

    David


  • Danna Hobart
    March 16, 2007

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    Your first stanza is one run-on sentence, which makes it a little hard to understand. I had to put it in paragraph form before it made sense to me.

    Of the million feet that have pounded this city block, a small plastic flag has been desecrated under my own, property of a fellow Wall St. mogul whose groans echo off his empty lapel; one who trades aluminum a nickel per share, under the steely glance of tall giants in their rich marbled suits;

    The first thing I suggest is to put an s on million. It is probably not a single million feet that have pounded that city block.

    Of the million feet
    that have pounded
    this city block,
    a small plastic flag
    has been desecrated
    under my own,

    There should be a period at the end of “own” because it is the sentence ends and the subject shifts.

    I don’t know anything about Wall Street and what goes on in the stock market, but you set the reader up with this plastic flag, but then you do not follow through. Why did you “desecrate” it? What did it stand for? Instead of answering these questions, you change the subject and start talking about the person that the flag belonged to.

    property of
    a fellow Wall St. mogul … so here you have set yourself up as a mogul too.

    whose groans echo
    off his empty lapel;
    one who trades
    aluminum … the way you have structured this, it is the lapel that trades aluminum, not the man, because the lapel is the last noun mentioned in the previous line. What is the significance of the empty lapel?

    a nickel per share,
    under the steely glance
    of tall giants
    in their rich marbled suits; … did you mean marbled suites?
    Stars and stripes
    soon to be tossed about
    like ticker tape
    by cold, unpredictable winds;

    There should be a period after “winds.” I also want to draw your attention to all the adjectives you are using. Remember, an adjective’s job is to tell, not show, and therefore, they should be used very sparingly.

    a formidable enemy
    he has chosen to face,
    I meet his tortured glance
    following it to a leg
    I know is not his own,

    There should be a period after “own.”



    another trade,
    this one on a Hanoi street,
    my freedom
    for what could have been;

    Maybe it is because I do not know anything about the stock market, but I am having trouble following the action of this.

    Awkwardly I hand him
    my breakfast
    and more than a few dollars,
    with a silent prayer
    he'll return home
    from the war;

    Okay, so you are trying to make a connection between Wall Street and the war in Iraq? I am not sure what handing him your breakfast symbolizes.

    I won't complain,
    as my thoughts return to
    the brave man I call father,
    who I remember
    always loved his ham and eggs.

    And I see you are trying to tie this to your father somehow, but it is just not coming together for me. Maybe if you explained to me what it is you want to say, I could be more effective in helping you polish it?


  • PassionsPromise gold member
    March 10, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I too was confused. But finally got the understanding the second time around. This was well written , and made good points. Best of luck to you.
    Best of luck to you.
    Vsutton

  • ocerus
    March 10, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This is simply superb. I was frankly a little confused about the reference to Hanoi, though. Are you trying to show your support for that war, or is your support confined solely to the soldiers? I'm going to reread. Okay. Now I get it. The man the narrator encountered was a former soldier who had lost his leg in 'Nam. And the narrator felt that he had traded his leg for the narrator's freedom - or at least had thought that that was what he was doing when he lost it. This is positively deep. The apt yet artistic, sublime - sometimes ethereal - descriptions of this former soldier (and soldiers in general and what we owe them) coupled with the matter-of-fact and moving telling of how one of those soldiers had always liked something so simple (ham and eggs) somehow manages both to elevate and personalize these very special people. You've done a good job. God bless you! - oce


  • storiesuntold gold member
    March 10, 2007

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    Very nice work here

    If the world fell silent could we hear the lost angels still with guns ready and flags flying for the freedom cradles our country with such a love . And that love can be felt in every military hospitol and grave sight. Be silent and embrace our men today the ones standing and the ones who fell for us.


  • Cannonsfire
    March 9, 2007

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    I find my self drawn to the empathy in your words for the ones lost to reality in the saving of our freedom, this is a wonderful write and beautifully touching. Thank you for sharing it.


  • Mel-the-Believer
    March 9, 2007

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    I loved this, I really did. I loved how you told a story and how you told of the Vets. Wonderful poem here. Good luck in this contest. God Bless you and the service men and women!


  • Asdzaa Nadleehe
    March 9, 2007

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    This is a warm and wonderful write..Im very thankful for each service person ! thank you for sharing


  • rollingzen
    March 9, 2007
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    straightforward ,honest,sensitive


  • lysdarling
    March 9, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    very good..

    "I won't complain,
    as my thoughts return to
    the brave man I call father,
    who I remember
    always loved his ham and eggs."
    -what a nice write, it's always refreshing to hear about things in simple terms. this is a lovely write to honor our troops, excellent piece!
    *lys

  • SavannahNicole
    March 9, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    This poem reminds me of this book I read called "The Glass Castle" by Jannett Walls. Her parents chose to live on the street but once in awhile Jannett would take them to dinner. We can't help how life turns out but we can make it better. I absoultly love your poem.


  • SensualWhispers
    March 5, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    Very interesting...

    ... Quiet in depth descriptions here. Emotions were running high here and the whole story was put up well. thanks for sharing and thank you for entering the contest and the best of luck to you. Kassie


  • vampire of thought
    March 4, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    oh yeah, almost forgot the applauds

  • vampire of thought
    March 4, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    line 2: should be "squeaky"

    I like it. Its a beautiful poem. Thanks for the entry and good luck in my contest


  • wolfcub
    March 1, 2007
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    Wow! This is a good write!. Really great imagery throughout, good strong flow, but perhaps a little more work on the last stanza would be a good idea?
    Thankyou for entering and good luck in my contest.
    Katie


  • MiZZ-AmAyA
    February 26, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    You have mastered imagery. That's all I got to say on that front. I'm not sure whether I'm too crazy about the use of the semi-colon but that's my own personal opinion so don't pay it any mind.

    'of a million feet, crushed under mine;/ add broken dreams to the plastic pieces' These two lines could be very powerful together but the semi-colon seems to break it up. 'the cruelest enemy' is very strong and I love it. I think the last stanza could be shaped a little better to refer back to what was being crushed. It seems like a completely different thing and yet the same (if that makes any sense at all). I read through it twice because some parts just seemed a bit hazy (but that could also be due to my lack of sleep at the moment).

    Good luck in the contest.


  • LadyUnique silver member
    February 26, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    very good write
    was the crushed pin a veteran's medal?
    the last stanza was the most touching to me. it made me think of dementia and how someone afflicted with it will live in the past.


  • bananasfoster42
    February 23, 2007
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    this is a wonderful poem. thanks for your entry


  • GypsyHands
    February 22, 2007
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    Beautiful

    i loved this poem...
    very nice

    kudos


  • imagine732
    February 20, 2007

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    ...///...///...///...///...///...///...///...///

    nice one..i love it ......keep writing
    keep smiling
    keep the peace
    ....this is a really nice peice..i had to read it twice though cuz it was kind of fuzzy at first, then the second time i read it, i got it..........the confusing part about this poem most likely is not from you,,i have been soo out of it this week!


  • risewiththesmoke
    February 20, 2007
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    oh wow

    i love the mood


  • Angel With No Halo
    February 16, 2007
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  • Angel With No Halo
    February 16, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Oh honey this is breathtakingluy beautiful. It definately made tears come to my eyes. If only more people respected our soldiers. Thank you so much for entering and good luck to you!!

    ~Krys~


  • troyias
    February 15, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    Beautiful

    Sad and real. Written with such love and honor. As I read the tears pool in my eyes. To the mem and women that fight for us, to those that live and die. Thank you each and every one.

    *Go with God* Well done my friend.

    Valerie


  • Jax Nova
    February 15, 2007
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    Sad

    That sad and kind of vague in ways but in a good way. nice job

  • piccola silver member
    February 15, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    this also reminded me of the homeless in general. They all have a story and maybe they are vets..no way to know unless we talk, listen and learn. Make eye contact if we can. I really felt this write.


  • Whoochi gold member
    February 15, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    awwwww..this is extremely touching...could definitely envision this in my head...Great expression, nice flow and heartfelt tribute to our service men and women...veterans alike!

1 - 28 of 28