"ARI"!
Hmm... yes?
What were you thinking?
I was thinking-
I would like to strangle you,
with the rotted roots of my birth.
My very existence is an enigma-
to say the least.
I was conceived within the spewing womb,
of my mother's living nightmare.
Born to a substitute father.
He loved me as his very own;
Yeah... a little too much I think.
Until the age of four- he held me.
He taught me the games that "everyone" plays;
In secret!
Hide and seek approached a new definition.
Childhood make believe became a morbid shard of reality.
Staring into the silence- refusing to cry,
as I tormented the clock to tick slower-
until the stench of bedtime stories shadowed my night light.
He brought nursery rhymes to a disgusted life-
Sleeping beauty scars across my vulnerability.
I grew up- and I forgot,
as we all do.
I developed- starving to be perfect!
"Un huh... why do you think that is, Ari"?
I felt dirty-
His rancid breath tainted my life
burning his glare into the buried banks
of my memory.
I'm broken, corrupted...sick!
Forgive me father, for I have sinned,
I needed to scrub my flesh-
my very insides,
of this sickening reflection.
I need a self cleansing-
a douche for the regurgitation of my sanity.
So I took to captivation of pyromaniacs.
An infatuation of candles became my self baptism.
The sear of the flame isn't as bad as this darkness-
So I'm not numb after all?
Melting the scattered pieces- of myself
to carve out the defilement of innocence.
It's an obsessive tumor-
spawning on my imperfections.
A battle of internal stirs(no, so much more than that).
It is more like a raging echo,
of my fucked up aspirations.
My own fetishes- ritualized in the secret
of my repressed mind.
Self deprecation can be a beautiful thing-
Sometimes...
Maybe with enough concentration,
I can burn the past.
Until it leaks the cancer from my very pores.
Bleeding the lines of regrets-
until I fall apart no longer.
"You still seem closed off"
And?
"Ari, I need you to open completely up",
"I need to know more so that I can help you".
Well, I guess you'll have to look deeper next time.
"Ari"?... ARI! Are you listening?
Yes?
Same time next week?
We'll see......
Author notes
Blackened Heart
Yeah, so this is going to be a series of poems all going inside this young girl's mind. The stories, past, present, future, the base of these are all my story to tell. This is pretty much how I feel, and my internal battles. Each poem will go further into myself and my depression. I feel that without adequate therapy I have found myself lost and broken with no one to talk to and so this is meant to be my release.
Now there may be some things within this series that people will find fucked up or disturbing. Dark and strandge things that go on inside this woman's mind. Maybe, maybe not, I do not know yet because I haven't planned these out. However there are different sides of my personality and attitude and there are secrets that no one knows about me. This is going to be my therapy sessions, they will be random, honest, and blunt. I do not feel it would be helpful to hold anything back so please do not judge me for anything in here. Whatever comes out comes out and that's the end of it.
~Part two~Solitary Nightmares-NEVER-
http://allpoetry.com/poem/2639188
~Part Three~ Inside Arianna
http://allpoetry.com/poem/2683764
A contest entry
- Anything. by Escape--.
525 points, ended March 13, 2007, 50 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Quick Pre-write Contest by Nicole Hanna.
300 points, ended July 9, 2007, 39 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - gimme your worst nightmares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! by Life Is A Game.
420 points, ended July 7, 2007, 18 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - ♥ Blackend Love ♥ by stop a bullet.
385 points, ended August 5, 2007, 23 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Rape & Molestation -How Easy It Is To Ruin A Life- by Dead Star--x.
600 points, ended August 3, 2007, 39 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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Another wonderful way of describing what's going on in your mind. I often find writing does help with things like this. I don't know if these are real experiences you have with your therapist, but they seem alive and real. It's hard to open up, especially if you can't remember things properly, memories impaired and self blame is present. Interesting that you had pyromania when you were younger.
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holy shit
i just dont know what to say
but i just get this poem i get you in this poem i feel it-i feel it all the fuckedupness the depression, the anger everything
Maybe with enough concentration,
I can burn the past.
Until it leaks the cancer from my very pores.
Bleeding the lines of regrets-
until I fall apart no longer.
that line will linger in my mind forever ♥
CureMyTragedy -
good work. good luck,m and congrats on ur win! keep it up!
Crimson!!!!!!!!
♥
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This Poem is amazing. I love how you put in the questions the her shrink would ask her. An amazing piece. So sad though about the father figure becoming her nightmare... Great write. Thanks for entering and best of luck
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lovely!!! what an insight into a disturbed yet calm feminine mind... loved the entire concept n the frank use of words..!
n hey.. u can always talk to me... im all ears all the time..!
Again, brilliant write!
Ruu!
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amazing
this is amazing!!i really like it. i can feel the feeling of being lost and such. its amazing. she burns herself pure. that is an interesting consept that i think is not very common. you can almost feel and smeel and see whats going on. i love it and plz keep writing.
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ewww, rotted roots of my birth? How the hell did you come up with imagery like that. lol. Both disturbing, but also very empowering. Great contrast. Then again, maybe it's not a contrast at all.. maybe the two should go hand in hand. Okay, I'm babbling. Let me just say this had imagery in it I'm totally going to steal
and thanks for entering.
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I never knew you had written the second. I came upon the third and backtracked them all. I am hooked. Hopefully I don't miss one. I know the answer lies in God; it will take time for you to figure out what works for you. I wish you well and you are in my prayers.
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Very creative way you have written about your past and what has happened, as though sitting in the doctor's office telling him/her of your past life, and the secrets you have kept all these years. A series of these will make the load lighter each time you write. May this help and allow you to move on and on...
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WOW...this was intense. Very well written. Amy, I remember reading your stuff when I first came here...one of my favs, 'where do broken hearts go' had won a ton of trophy's. I loved that piece and started following more of your work. In that span of time you have went from great...to greater. Love you my dear. :f
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Thank you so much Trina! I am flattered to here that. I am glad to know you have read my work since I came here as Lavender Dreams because that means you have been here to know how drastically eveverything in my life including myself has changed. "Experience Falls" is the changing point in my life and that is when I changed my name to this. Someone else has also mentioned that to me and brought up that poem. I remember writing that poem so vividly. It is very hard to write this because this will open me up to everyone, to the deepest darkest entent, and my past is so messed up and I have such a messed up set of internal battles that that scares me a little, but I think it will help me. I may have some issues with my state of mind secretly but I am still smart enough to know that admiting it is my first step in helping myself. This is what this will do for me, and I hope people read this and know how much it means to me because people need to know what kind of hell can go on inside one young girl. I also hope that anyone else who is feeling like I feel and tormenting themself like I do myself will read this and know that they are not alone and that things get better, experiences will change them, they'll grow up in an instant, all different kind of messed up and beautiful things will take place. They may have dark thoughts and personal issues and I want them to know that it is okay. Thank you again Trina, you have been a great friend!
Amy
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i hope this series of poems helps you out, i felt your pain. keep writting XoXoX and good luck in my contest
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Thank you for your nice comment. It means a lot to me! This was intense for me so I only hope people feel that.
Amy
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you know as i read this i can't help but get pissed, it is times like this i wish there was or is something i could do, but then again i got a hero complex so i won't get into that, keep it flowing and good luck in the contest
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