Always any tales of my past I am telling you people and sometimes they are a little rude and porny but now I will try to be polite at special request of nice prudish ladies out there who want to read sensual tale, told by master storyteller (that is me). Not with filthy bits so I have cut those bits off mostly.
Although I much hate repetitive to be, Barty must as always apologise for slight errors in English writing as I write the English not so very topclass. I am German person but special type of that because as I are half-and-half black/white, by this I must explain mein Papa was black US soldier in Germany who did enormous number of bouncy-bouncies with various ladies including meine Mama (who was part-time Lili Marlen type tarty number, great tits) for tinned milk, coffee, ciggies, silk stockings and comfy underwear with gussets for once instead of unlined, also she was a bit of a nympho in her day so combined business with pleasure, and why not? So think Barty.). Also please you will remember black market utterly rampant in post-war period because the kind bloody Allies smashed my beautiful homeland to little bits and then guess what even worse Russkies came and stole anything leftovers and did mass rapings of anyone with two legs or less, but my Momma ran and avoided Ivans, she not any kind of idiot, not going to give it away for free, and not liking cheap rotgut vodka anyway.
Now Barty am not so young, indeed on pension living in Hamburg (home of inventor of hamburgers) but I remember some sexy going-ons from mis-spended youth and middle age, my God I was a right goer, make no mistake about that, I had more lady friends than most people have hot luncheons mainly because I inheritated huge lovepole (23 centimetres, well over 9 inches in UK/US measurement style) from my dear Poppa, God rest his swindling soul. And ladies like the big lovepole, you bet your fat wobbly ass.
As I often say to readers, I never agree than it is only top-class sex-event to make love-humpings between male person who is in all one piece (full complementing legs, arms, naughty pieces etc etc) and lady who in similar state of repair (2 legs, 2 arms, 2 boobos, back and front naughty areas also) so I shall recall romantic interlude with one-armed lady I knew biblically that is to say. All of my stories (please read and give applauses to others, not only current one, try others much ruder watch out prudies and easily shocked persons!) are total true, swear it on Mummy's honour (big joke, what honour I hear you said out of side of mouth, but watch your manners please) and this one not any sort of exception. This just not so explicit as usual. Apologies to pervies wanting cheap smuttings. You come in wrong place.
So know here we go with first time telling of how I got on good and dirty with one-armed lady. I was in bar, just off Reeperbahn (naughty street with well-deserved reputation in St Pauli district of Hamburg, I strongly recommend the Bonky-Bonky Club in Grossefreheitstrasse, they got genuine f*cking machine in there, operated by converted Black & Decker electric drill, true), when I saw really pretty girl at bar and she had low cut off the shoulder dress and when I got closer I found out why it would be off the shoulder, it's because she has only one arm and strap keeps falling off. Never mind, I think to myself, I'll try this out for size, in for a pfenning, in for a pfund. So we have several beers and a couple of schnapps and she is good fun, laugh at all Barty's filthy jokes and innuendos and then, out of blue, she says with saucy smiling, "The night is young but we're not getting any younger and if you have any more beers you can't stand up, fall flat on handsome face, and not able to get stiffy for me", wow, I thought, this is some forward one-armed beauty. So no more further ado and we jump in taxi and go to her place.
Erika was her name and she was pretty good looking broad, great boobies, narrow very sexy waste, very cute ass sticking out like big firm pair of rubber cushions, but obviously her main claim to eternal fame in Barty's immense sex-memory bank was the arm, only one of them she had. She told me missing limb due to accident with vicious thrashing machine on farm and I not like to probe too deeply, because I leave the probing up to my lovepole instead.
So we had many love-makings that night and I got to find her stumpy-thing quite sexy in weird kind of way, very smooth skin on it and odd colour (purplish) too. Only problem of course was hard to do it doggy-style as she likely to fall off bed and me with her, especially since we have a few extra drinks on board by that time. Never mind, make up for it with pretty high class neunundsechzig (German for sixty-nine in case you not understand)! Wow she was hot stuff in oral depot. Tongue like golden retriever lapping up bowl of nice fresh spring water on boiling hot summer's day in extra strong long-lasting heatwave! Great stuff! Barty very keen on that and returned compliment in spades (good pun).
Also Erika very noisy which Barty liked very much indeed. Screamed like dervish being beaten around head with crowbar every single time she gets it off. "Ich komme, ich komme, ach, ja, ja, ja, ja," she shrieks falsetto like Wagnerian heroine with red hot poker up backside (which not far off the truth when Barty gets stuck into his fabbo sex-rhythm, like whirring up and down piston on Harley-Davidson bicycle). Even allowing for memory lapse after so many years, probably I can recall six times for me that night and maybe ten for her, wow, what a Fraulein!
We met a few more time for repeat session but follow-ups not as good as first time round, but that's nothing new in the history of love, is it, which is very philophical thought. Also Barty's interest in the stump waned a bit after a couple of weeks. Erika had a bit of kinky twist as well, she wanted to thrash me with huge great whip (obviously she must do it one-handed) and she wanted me to hang her up by her stump which not my bag much. Also Erika fell off bed once too many times during doggy-style happenings. Never mind, we had good time and yet another interesting memory for Barty. And Barty has good live-action photo to keep memories alive, wow, it's a hot one! I surely hope Erika has equal happy memories of old Barty, bet she never saw such a big willy again! Please not forget to read other stories, but keep hat on please as some very rude!
Mit freundlichen Gruessen
von Ihre
Bartholomew Mole (=Maulwurf)
(23 cm brown lovepole)
A contest entry
- BDSM TO THE MAX!!!! by Asylaarix.
875 points, ended February 15, 2007, 21 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - the best you can do! (for our none acomplished writers) by honey bear.
550 points, ended March 4, 2007, 32 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Humorous Erotica- Tickle My Funny Bone. by Mercury Rising.
600 points, ended July 18, 2007, 12 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Well, this was not at all what I was expecting to get, but it was extremely interesting. Thank you for cleaning it up a bit for me, and thank you for entering.
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Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
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Oh this was quit the tale. 
funny too Well done. I liked this. 
Made sit up and
But the most shocking thing Is how rude a couple of your commenters on here are. 
I feel like sending some of them hate mail now. Arg I hate bashers...
Thank you so much for entering my contest
delila
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I hate to be bashed up also. But I love to give people a good thrashing. One of Barty's best stories is about severe chastisement of one of Momma's clients. Come and read it please do, I will shortly send you the linking!
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Interesting...
Quite an amusing write. I do however have to agree with CK. We are not accepting Stories in this contest. But thanks for sharing and entering.
Sunshine
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This is pure poetry says Barty.
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Wow what an experience. I can understand the problem doing it doggie with only one arm, probably not wise. Although this was an interesting and funny adult write it will not work for our contest cuz we specifically asked for poems and no short stories as this clearly is. Thanks for sharing it however and I will give you three bunnies for the entertaining read.
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Good short...I like it! Good luck in the contest...!
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If you not like Barty's story why not say so? Barty would not be offended, Barty could not care a fart. But why say
"Good short...I like it! Good luck in the contest...!"
What does that mean, Barty wants to know. Barty takes his story out of your contest. Goodbye says Barty.
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Heh
Sorry to say that this bored the fucking shit out of me AND you've caught me in a bad mood.
Sucks to be you.
DQing this. I said, and I was very specific- NO EROTICA.
GET GLASSES YOU STUPID MOLE. -
Ah she does appear to be a little bit of a naughty thing.I always did believe the phrase, 'I could do it one handed' really was a realistic claim. I have a couple of good friends who have Cerebal Polsy (can't spell that, too intellectual for me) and quite bad too, so they may as well just have one arm. Not that I have experienced them, of course. Just a comment of sorts.
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Wow very sensual and erotic piece I liked it alot. It had some funny parts I will admit but overall it was wonderful to read and a great write!
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Amazing tale...one armed stumpie! Yet with great boobs to boot!...Sorry that part I am still laughing about! Great story and tahnks for sharing. ~Sie
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i found this to be disgustingly funny
i may just throw it out of the contest just so people will come read to see why it was thrown out of TWO contests
i see your plea for sympathy points and i may just send you some
but then again i may not... -
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Barty is so happy! Wie ein wunderbar Tag ist es! Yeeha! Barty the cup of gold has won! Barty so pleased he will rush off and use the points to start a contest and you must enter! Danke schoen fuer die Punkte! Yip! Yip! (Mole noises of happiness).
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You entered same comment 2 times, never mind, Barty is always happy to reply again. Barty likes your name and hopes you are so cute one. Which one is you in picture, please tell?
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i am the fluffy one of course!
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i found this to be very disgustingly funny i may throw it out of the contest just to give it a reputation of being thrown out of TWO contests, others will then come to read it just to see why it was thrown out still i read your plea for sympathy points and i may just send you some
(but then again i may not)
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Please do not throw Barty's lovely story out of your contest. In fact Barty has a much better idea (but it is far too rude and personal to put in this comment, heh, heh, heh, heh says Barty with one lascivious smile on his gorgeous mole-like face). Another idea is to let Barty win. That's a hot idea, blow my rockets off, ja, ja, ja.
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Barty's story got thrown out of another contest! Barty is getting very sad about all these rejections!
Just look what another contest-holder said to me:
"removed Memory of Brief Loving Affair with Unusual Lady (long time ago, memory lingers on) from contest Amaze Me! because I'm sorry...I don't understand this, it isn't written very well and I can't make it through it...i'm so sorry."
Story not well-written? Piffles! It written in great English and very interesting!
Never mind, maybe other people appreciating this one. Keep fingers crossed good and hard.
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Well I don't know what I expected when I clicked on this; couldn't resist the title; but it definitely was an interesting read, to say the least!
I also found myself trying to read it with an accent, lol.
Thanks for an entertaining story; your an interestin
fellow.
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This will keep me chuckling all day, there are sevral phrases where your punwork makes me laugh out loud. Irreverant, very funny, you have quite a talent at this, thanks for the warning about other works which may insult my delicate nature.
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Barty asks you, liebe Sternschein, to go and read other Barty stories. Keep your hat on though, baby, mein Gott they are so hot they scald your botty off!
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Very funny. Good style and just crazy. What did you say about being a bit polite?Which part was that?Anyway, very hilarious. I like it!
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Well I found myself wanting to read the entire thing with a german accent, a bad one but nevertheless it added to the humor of the piece. A good chuckle yes indeed zer gut.
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Thanking you so very nuch foer comment
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It had promise, I got very aroused when I realised she was missing a limb but was disappointed to learn she still had legs.
Nevertheless, at least she had one stump, which is one more than in most the so called 'erotica' that I read.
My midget has been attending an 'affirmative action class for people who are less able bodied than able bodied people, and I am not allowed to attend because I am non retarded. My midget is working on bringing home another limbless freak for some loving, I can't wait.
You fucking rodent.
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Poem has been thrown out of contest it specially got written for after only a few hours! Contest-holder not even making any comments. Barty very sad. Send him 50 points to cheer him up, someone please. Barty will try and find another contest where his autobiographical adventures will be appreciated. You seem like nice guy, Mr Midget-lover, why don't you organise nice contest about limbless love?
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