The C-SPAN Guide to Sexuality

For some, the analogy of love being a tug of war is wrong.
Third, fourth, and fifth teams fail to realize that this is
a binary game, and the rope frays and pills apart before
the ribbon crosses the line. Case in point:

You're a 27 year old attempted poet, we'll call you me
for the sake of the story, and you
see an attractive girl sitting
next to you at work.


SPEAKER: The amendment is now on the table. The representative
from The Reproductive Organs has the floor for 30 seconds.

RO: It has been one score and seven years. This virginity
schtick had lost its novelity, and frankly it's beyond
the pale. Look at her. She has eyes that say, "Lights, Camera,
Action." Mr. Speaker, I think I represent the majority of
the Cranial Congress when I say We Gots to Have It.
I yield the floor.

SPEAKER: Very good. Next, the representative from the
Catholic Upbringing.

CU: Thank you. For over a quarter of a century, we have
maintained order and sanctity in this body. To give up our
morals and ideals for mere moments of shallow temptation
will lead to a lifetime of shame, guilt, and the possible
rotting of the homeland of my opponent. Kyrie eleison,
christe eleison, kyrie eleison.

SPEAKER: We now yield to the Mind's Eye.

TME: You all know what I'm going to say. Your dad will
pat you on the back and say it's about time, your mom
will say nothing with her mouth and volumes of disappointment
on her face, and you friends really have their own thing
going on and won't notice. I abstain from this topic.

SPEAKER: Our last thirty seconds will be given to the
representative from the Lack of Self Esteem.

LSE: While I agree with the first speaker, I feel we
currently do not possess the resources to make this
a reality. Look at us. We look like we've perpetually
just woke up. We've no muscle tone, your gut's a mess,
and you look like a mugshot. I recommend an Emergency
National Alcohol Fund, where we can purchase enough
depressant to appear palatable.

CU: Ah, the devil's brew. Your solution is sin.

RO: Oh shut up, you eunuch. We have the majority.

CU: Two out of four is a plurality, you idiot. You haven't won
jack. The status quo remains.

RO: Over my dead horny body, punk.

SPEAKER: Gentlemen, we will maintain decorum.

LSE: We really don't have the heart to maintain this level
of stress.

RO: So you just want to wait forever?

CU: If need be, yes.

ME: I don't think even your mother would approve that hardline
a stance.

CU: Who asked you, HAL?

RO: We are not going to Hell if we lose our cherry.

CU: Have you ever been to Hell, son?

RO: Same number of times as you, Father Interruptus.

CU: Why I never...

SPEAKER: Will everyone... shut the hell up? Shut up!

My co-workers spin around to face me. My boss waves me into the
office. I look to my left, and she is gone. Amendment no longer
needed. Quorum will be maintained. This session is closed.
To our next issue: Federal Street or Palaugaa Street
for the quicker ride home tonight. Votes?