It’s times like this
Times when I can’t stop
Thinking about you
Then I realize
How deep my love is
How deep the pain goes
This is when I remember best
Everyone else seems to have forgotten you
But I haven’t
I remember all the little things
The things you loved
The things you hated
I wonder what you like now
What are you interested in
I wonder how much you’ve grown
How much you’ve learned
You’re in school now
When you left, you could barely talk
It’s hard for me to imagine you now
But I try
I remember the first time I saw you
You were only a few days old
You were so tiny
Dressed up in doll’s clothes
Because even the preemie clothes
Were too big
I had to wash my hands before I held you
I had to learn how to manage
Your heart monitors
Your oxygen
Your feeding tubes
Sitting there with you in my arms
Coaxing and praying for you to get
A single sip from your bottles
I remember the first day you breathed on you own
I felt more joy at that moment
Than when I made the national team
I remember the day they adopted you
I didn’t shed a single tear
I even smiled once or twice
But that night when I was alone
I cried more than I ever had
Every time I see a ladybug or butterfly
I remember you
I think of the happy times
Every time I see the face of another child
I think of you
I used to sleep with you picture every night
Now it sits on my dresser
And my bookshelf
And in my wallet
Just to make sure I never forget your faces
Even though I know I never could
I still think of you everyday
Every time I pray
You’re the first ones to come to mind
Sometimes my arms ache
And I know they long to hold you
I try not to think too hard about you
Every time I do, my heart breaks all over again
But each time, I remember a little better
How to put the pieces back together
I don’t think the pain has lessened
I think I’ve just gotten used to it
Every once in a while
I still cry
Unable to hold it in any longer
But my ability to hide my longing for you
Grows stronger each day
Perhaps there will be a day
When I’ll have the strength to let it out
I lock you away in a secret compartment of my heart
Where no one will see
And I can finally have you all to myself
It is the only way I can have you
I know it’s wrong to distance myself from the world
But I know of no other way
I think that if I let others inside
I’ll lose you again
Someone else will take you
Most of my friends don’t know about you
None of them know the whole story
I don’t think they’d understand
No one seems to believe that I
Could love you this much
They think I was too young
Always too young
I was too young to give you a home
They said a family would be better for you
My head knew they were right
But inside my heart was screaming
Knowing no one could love you like I could
Sometimes I can’t cry
The pain
It’s too strong
It’s beyond tears
So I don’t think about it much
It hurts too bad
I prayed so hard that you would come and live with me
But deep down I knew you would leave
So I began to pray that you would stay near
But they took you
Far
Away out of reach
My one wish would be for us to all be together
I can imagine myself no happier
Than if I could spend
Just a moment with you
Beholding your faces with my own eyes
It would bring me the greatest joy
I can comprehend
I couldn’t walk by the old house for a long time
I’d go out of my way
So I wouldn’t have to see it
I couldn’t bear the pain it brought
As all the memories rushed back
It took a whole month after you left
Before I could hold another child in my arms
And even then I cried
Because it wasn’t you
What I wouldn’t give to hear you say my name
To have you recognize my face
To have you miss me
Even a little
I love you more than my very life
Every night when I look at your picture
I tell you I love you
Even though I know you’ll never hear me
I sing happy birthday to you every year
But you’ll never know
You were stolen from me before you could even say my name
You don’t know my face
It’s hard knowing you’re out there
Somewhere
But I’ll never see you
It’s hard to believe that it’s only been 3 ½ years since you left
It feels like an eternity
It feels like yesterday
I hate to think it
But I think if you had died
The pain would be easier to bear
I could accept it better
Because then you’d be with God
And I know I’d see you again for eternity
But now I must bear the pain of knowing
That you love another
And don’t even know I exist
I hate that I feel this way
But it’s the truth
Even as I write these words
I am frustrated
For I know they cannot convey my true feelings
There are no words to describe it
Language has not dared intrude upon
Such love and sorrow
I guess I’ll end with those words I long to tell you
And long to hear from your lips
I love you
Author notes
Tell me how you would feel giving a child up for adoption for whatever reason. Explain your decision and why you chose to do this
Adoption. Just, anything. From the child's, or parent's point of view. This would mean a lot to me if you could enter under this option.
A contest entry
- So much to choose from by PoetrysAngel2041.
450 points, ended May 16, 2007, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Tears by bigXfatXemo.
525 points, ended April 17, 2007, 31 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 20 of 20
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Nicely written. such raw emotions penned out beautifully on the page. You have done an excellent job. Good luck
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MAY GOD BE WITH YOU FOREVER AND ALWAYS IN EVERYTHING YOU DO!!!
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thanks, you're so very very sweet
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this poem deserves more than 1st place
This poem made me tear up, you are a VERY AMAZING person, that would be so terrifing to go throu, i can't imagin how you feel/felt....it would be to unbearable to deal.....i think it is awsome and wonderful how you can write about some thing lyke that....You seem like a strong person. I really hope you will find your child someday, and be re-united w/ it! best of luck on every thing you do....
~Jess
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it was extremely painful at the time, and it still hurts terribly now, but God helps me each day. i'm learning to let go of the hurt and just remember the memories and be happy for them.
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Beautiful
I love how much emotion there is here. It's a beautiful tribute to all the families torn apart. It makes you feel like your really there. Great job.
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thanks
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Oh my God.
Am crying. This was so beautiful, so real, so painful, and so touching, I am lost for words..
It flowed so well, a story in poetry form, a unique piece of a soul who needs to forget the pain, but not the child. I feel for you, and my God, I respect you so much for putting this on here. A truly amazing contribution.
Thank you so much. This has changed my world.
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thanks. i'm glad it touched you. it's a painful thing, but God is helping me everyday.
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omg i am actually crying!! this poem is so beautiful and hard-hitting, i'm so sorry for your loss, it must of been so hard! I've never known anybody who's given a child up for adoption so i have no idea what you're going through, but i really am sorry.
Catherine
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thanks. i appreciate your sweet words.
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Gosh
I nearly cried at this, it was so sad and hard hitting. I can't imagine what you must feel inside. It's a topic so so close to my heart too, and it really meant a lot to read it from the point of view of the parent.
If it gives you any hope, one of my mum's friends was in your situation, too young and forced into it. She has since been reunited with her son, and he's done really well for himself and has a child of his own. I hope one day you'll be able to tell your child how much they meant to you in this way.
The lines
I sing happy birthday to you every year
But you’ll never know
You were stolen from me before you could even say my name
Were so impacting. I read them a few times and they just said so much in such a short space. And
I guess I’ll end with those words I long to tell you
And long to hear from your lips
I love you
Was just such a beautiful but sad ending. Thankyou so much for sharing this, I know it must have been hard to write with it being so personal. The best of luck in your contest. *hugs*
Frankie xXx
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thanks. this was a very difficult piece to write and it actually took several weeks because it was too hard to write it all at once. but it really helped to get it out. thanks for the wonderful encouragement. you're very sweet.
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this must have been so hard for you to write about, and i hope you feel a little better for writing it. event though you cant tell your closest friends this you have found a way to get out the story and your feelings. i am so sorry you went through such sorrow.but even though you sometimes feel dead inside i hope you stay alive. because the situation will come to light as most situations like this does, and your baby will come and look for you and when that day comes you have to be strong for your child and for yourself.
stay strong hun Hx
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Tough thing to go through. Head vs. heart and your head won all beause you were too young. I'm sorry you went through something like this and still bear the pain of even now.
I'm grieving the loss of my boyfriend at present. It's not the same, I know. Valentines is especially tough. I guess what I'm trying to say is the feelings you expressed here are normal and common and many people can relate. Sigh...
I pray you find peace as time and the spirit of Christ is the only thing that can insulate you against such a heart pain.
Take care - this one can not be critiqued as it is an outpouring of the heart.
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thanks. i'm glad you realize the heart that went into this. it's more than a poem, it's me.
i draw on Christ's comfort daily, you're right, He's the only one who can bring me through.
i hope that your grief will continue to lessen. no matter who you lose, the pain is still there.
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I'm almost cried reading this and knowing the story behind it. You have done so well to convey you feelings into words. It is great that you are releasing some of your pain. I know it hurts now, but in the end it will be the best thing for you. Remember, I am here for you and above all God is.
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thanks.
love ya much.
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Tears came to my eyes! So well written, every detail of your feelings out there. The pain of giving up a child for adoption has to be heart breaking. I am on the other side, we have never had children. We were in the process of adopting a little girl and in the middle her grand mother who was raising her changed her mind. That hurt bad enough, but to let go of a child you gave birth to agonizing! I will pray that you can lose the pain but not the memories.
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thanks. it was hard to give them up, especially since their adoptive parents divorced within a month of adopting them. but i know that God knows what is best for them.
i hope that someday you will be able to have that child you long for. there are so many children out there that need homes.
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