More a French shave than five o'clock shadow,
the young artist's way of backing off,
announcing danger, an air of the unexpected,
as the King snake has evolved to feign the Coral.
Yet where camel hair touched canvas calm,
where quintessential light met quotidian ennui,
not the advertised blackened rose or orchid,
rather the sizzle, the honeyed-heat of azalea.
Each stroke portended floral intifada,
pastel yellows and oily greens igniting
upon a fired-umber background,
threatened to melt the easel into tar.
I stood gape-jawed, nodded approval,
eyeing the second creation within a single flower.
Author notes
Bah! Humbug!
A contest entry
- Evoke My Artistic Vision by crazylittledevil.
440 points, ended March 20, 2007, 24 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Last of The Summer Poets (I want to give points away) by jaffa-forbes.
624 points, ended August 25, 2007, 28 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - I Want The Best Of AP by AllHopeIsEclipsed555.
510 points, ended October 13, 2007, 10 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - prewrites by Melissa Gayle.
390 points, ended October 10, 2007, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Decadence and drudgery by Aesthete.
750 points, ended October 14, 2007, 6 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Avant Garde - Submission by Hypocritical Oath.
500 points, ended December 8, 2007, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Your Favorite Poems by Avatar of Innocence.
400 points, ended December 27, 2007, 23 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Modern Sonnet by Kiddy.
425 points, ended December 10, 2007, 4 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Gold for Gold by echo-ink.
900 points, ended January 7, 45 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Your oldest prewrite poems and my 20th contest by stargazer..
650 points, ended April 20, 417 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 24 of 24
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so creative and original.
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Wonderful imagery in this.
...The second creation within a single flower...
I thought this was a fantastic way to portray the portrait of an artists flower. -
A nice poem to read.Nice description of nature here. Very well done and you did a justice to the things described.
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Not familiar ...
with the phrase "French shave", but I like the way you've used it anyway. I think you've penned a real tour de force here, and am not surprised you garnered a Gold with this. Congratulations. -
Hmm...
Wow. It is not often that I can't find a single piece of useful criticism for a poem, even if it is good. I am wordless. For now.
Let me digest this poem. I will return to read it again later and provide an adequate critique. -
Great
Though it left me a little baffled as to it's direction at times, I think all round this is an excelent piece, well done, and thank you for the submission. Good luck.
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This feels colorful, very nicely done. I love when nature is done justice.
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Very nice ...
I'd consider this for publication if you'd submitted it to Sonnetto Poesia. Of course, Richard and I would have to agree first, but I think he'd like this one too. Anyway, good job on this.
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I'd be honored to submit for publication. Just tell me how. And thank you for the very kind words.
A60sMan
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What an art of imagery you hold poet. Worth the time it took to marvel your work. In honesty I think there are many here that will not read into your work. There is a large group who like quick simplicity to move on, missing the time to speculate and ponder such marvels.
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Very nice. Almost-a-sonnet...that is, all of the effectiveness with none of the affectation. Image and image and more, leading to a solid resolution. Nice.
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Actually I'd appreciate your help
I have never been happy with this piece, because I feel it contains a serious flaw in the wording:
.... igniting
upon a tinderbox loam background,
I rather doubt that loam is a platform for igniting much of anything. When I realized the poem had this flaw, the best I could come up with was to front end the loam with "tinderbox" to try and lessen its weakness.
Any thoughts or suggestions on how I might get around my dilemma? -
Most gracious sir ...
... though in truth, I thought your poem much the tighter piece. I do not think the judge did you justice. I shall take pleasure in knowing that you found some merit in the poem.
A60sMan -
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Where were you going with "loam"? Why that word originally? Part of the painting? or something else?
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The "loam" was what the artist painted in the background of the azalea. I just went originally with what I had seen, but as I began to look at my poem critically, I became more and more unhappy with that particular word. I had thought of using the word mulch, but that strikes me as most unpoetic. So there I am, stuck with a word that I feel ruins my poem. :-(
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Two possible directions:
“upon a terra-cotta background” – fired clay, implicitly related to “tinderbox”
“upon a fire-umber background” – Burnt Umber—brown clay pigment that has been fired to intensify its hue do a dark red-brown.
Neither probably fits, but working toward something that implies a color while continuing the fire motif might work. "Background" may be part of the problem--it seem a bit prosaic, and its sounds are strong enough to force attention to it.
Interesting problem. Hope this is helpful. Please let me know what you think.
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I knew you could help!
Many garcias, Micol! :-) ... Those are all excellent suggestions. It hadn't occurred to me to try the color route. I especially like the "fire-umber" concept. I'm in your debt.
A60sMan
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Good stuff. I liked the lexis and the structure. Last stanza works well. Good luck.
jaff
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...are you southern, by any chance?
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Not a novice
I've been writing for 12 years, Lane. How long for you? -
Not southern
I grew up in the Mohawk Valley in central upstate New York. I have travelled extensively, including in the south. Today I'm planted in Las Vegas, but not taking root. :-) --- Supernova was written in Olympia WA, where azaleas bloom in profusion in the spring.
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While this is well written to the extent I could understand. I AM AN ARTIST NOT A SCHOLAR, can you PLEASE put " quotidian ennui" and " portended floral intifada" in laymen English.
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re: laymen English
quotidian ennui = daily boredom
"portended floral intifada" = signed a warning of floral uprising
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huh? lol the words were big lol ,from what a got it was a good poem!
~!~keep writing~!~
~marin~
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