Blurry...
Like the moors on a mistry morning
Her brain is stuffed with cotton.
She wishes it was a sign
that lucidity is fading.
It is only because one eye
is swollen like a gibbous moon,
oozing and dripping some unamable liquid.
Iron is such an unforgiving mistress.
It brooks no impudence from flesh.
The needle does not suffer incorrigibility
from creamy skin or pulsing veins,
full of honey, of nectar,
throbbing with a liquid sweet as wine.
The relentless metal thirsts.
It bites deep and drinks.
Screams have long faded.
Her throat is torn,
cracked like mud in a desert,
ragged as ripped cloth,
and screams would avail nothing,
but to add another echo
to the gynaeceum of the countess,
The abode of succubi.
She came here to learn of etiquette,
this slim girl of Wallachia,
no mean serf's daughter,
She knew more than the base villeans
who spoke of vampyres and hags.
She was as high above them as an oak
stands above barley.
There are no vampyres...
She shivers.
Cold stones scrap skin.
Ravening fetters tear soft meat,
around ankles or wrists,
if she is lucky...
A shadow, a sihouette, descends,
as the oak and iron door opens
like the Inferno must have opened for Nero
and those that burned the saints.
A torn throat tries to scream
and brings forth warm bubbles,
but only the sounds of bubbles,
soft gurgles and crackles of spittle.
Panic induced liquids surge,
Blood and sweat and froth
There are no such things as vampyres,
but the Lady of Cachtice has returned
Author notes
I should probably stop entering this thing in so many contest lol, but it is one of only a few dark writes I have so it gets stuck in all kinds of dark poetry contests.
This is basically a description written from the point of view of the daughter of a gentryman caught by the countess.
For those that don't know the countess in question is the Countess Elizabeth Bathory who lived in Slovakia hundreds of years ago. Legends say that she captured and killed hundreds of local girls after torturing them by beating, starving, or probing them with needles and knives. Other accounts say she is a vampire who bathed in their blood. In any event, she is regarded as a brutal serial killer if nothing else and is one of the darkest figures in the history of eastern Europe...right up there with Vlad the Impaler as far as I'm concerned.
In a list
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 21 of 21
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Chilling piece that you've written here. GREAT imagery adds tremendously to the ambiance of it. This could reall y become a series of dark poems if you wanted. You've laid the foundation with this write, and the door is open for more. Well done
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Thank you for entering my contest!
It lost me, i'll admit, but the notes helped clear it up ....thank you for those.
The flow was a bit off, but the imagery was well done. -
At first I thought it was an broken iron statue going from the fields to the furnace, until stanza seven. Reading your notes makes the whole thing even more amazing. Great writing.
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erm this was kinda creepy and you used a few words that Ive absolutely never heard of which confused me abit but all in all the image you create with this piece is brilliant mortifying but brilliant I liked this piece
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Your imagery is vibrant! I love the use of comparisons and contrasts in this regard. I also seem to be drawn to anything that uses historical reference mythological or realistic. Good luck in this contest!
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Well DONE! wonderful expression! Pen on
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It gave me shivers! I could feel the poor girl's terror! You've expressed the moment beautifully.
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WONDERFUL DESCRIPTIONS!
You have told this story so very well, your descriptions are very vivid. I was wrapped up in this from the beginning.
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The concept is well thought out and it sounds like it was the begining of a play and youre the one setting the story for all of the world to see. THis is a very good write and you have a right to put it in many contests.
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Yes, the subject is dark but found the poem to read more mythyical. It flows very well and I hardly paused to wonder what it said. It has a viberation that synthythisizesits words. Nicely done.
~*Starr*~ xxx -
Wow. Creepy. And very well done. Especially the last two lines, which leave something of a mystery or question, but also sum it up nicely. Very good job.
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Wonderfully dark and enticing piece! This reads with ease and the imagery is great. Subtle alliteration is done very well. Very engaging write!
~Lori
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I liked this because you harmonized both a poem and a true story together and I think your choice of story was amazing and really kept my attention. Awesome write and good luck!
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one or two small things.... the color of the text is hard to read. It kinda takes away from the poem.
(i dont want to be concentration on seeing the words, I'd like to read ;them)
The piece is cool and I love the way you have went about it. It kinda strikes something in me. I like it.
Well done
*big grin*
*thumbs up*
luvvs]
xxxxx -
This poem is very well written and paints a vivid image of gore. 'The Lady of Cachtice' is a great write, I enjoyed reading it and love how detailed you were. Fantastic!
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Dark!
This was very well done! Excellent storyline, captivating actually and as the story is unfolding in an efforless rhythm...you manage to sweep me up in your tale of darkness. Good luck in this contest, I believe you might see something shiney coming your way! This was my pleasure to read, thanks for sharing
~Tia
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Very nice, very nice indeed, I like how you wrote from the point of view of one of her victims. Excellent job!
Thank you for entering and best of luck to you in my contest.
~~~Vampireblood~~~ -
well done!!
you put a unique vibe on this tale and kept me enthralled! I loved it!
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"There are no such things as vampyres," Ersebet (or Elizabeth) was much worse... :-) Good job on the accuracy as well and the imagery!
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"She came here to learn of etiquette,
this slim girl of Wallachia,
no mean serf's daughter,
She knew more than the base villeans
who spoke of vampyres and hags.
She was as high above them as an oak
stands above barley." is my favorite part -
ohhh this was a ereally great creepy and scary write...i enjoyed reading this and your words were very descpritve and keep writting your good at it
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