I'll show you the devil,
ink flowing like waterfalls
from awkward, teenage eyes
I'll show you a rebel
who flies like a fool
into darkening skies
I'll show you a poet, penner
who writes not for himself
but for ever-passing doves
and I'll show you a sinner
who drinks his coke outta
coffee mugs
I'll show you a stanza
longer than a novel that makes you actually think THINK about things before mud runs rivers from your unanswering sweat, and you can bet that you'll never know peace again until
I show you Amanda
who sits like a sing-song bird
on the window sill
Just like Sectumsempra
she makes time and life
and death stand still, still until
I remember Rebekah
and forget the dove upon
the window sill.
Author notes
anyone who sees the reference to Harry Potter gets a high five and a cookie.
In a list
A contest entry
- whatever the fuck you want III by Nam.
345 points, ended March 29, 2007, 23 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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I didn't see the reference, and frankly didn't care. The long stanza is what ended my "likeness" to the piece.
-Nam -
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Thanks for your honest opinion I guess.
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WOW....
this is intense...
You have a raw style that I really like and I look forward to reading more work by you....
and I didn't find the Harry Potter ref...and I want a cookie anyway...
Heidi -
Great
I enjoyed this read, it was well done with much imagination, I liked the rthym and flow, all in all a great job, Blessings John
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I love the novel line lol even though I wanted t refuse reading it for being out of joust it works well. Would have liked to have seen an extra line or two also in the stanza to drive the point home all the more. Keep your mind alert and creative for this lends stregnth to your poets pen.
~*Starr*~ xxx -
Interesting form you've used here. It works well until line 14, where you seem to have the appearance of a run-on sentence. My suggestion would be to also give line breaks to that thought as you have the rest of this piece. The flow is excellent, the internal rhyming is subtle and the imagery is very good.
~Lori
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the overlong line is intentional.
thanks for the praise and the critique.
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