The scythe is wielded
shaving frozen hairs
Wait for your turn to come
It comes one by one
a slow building of bricks
That night I was determined to smash the wall
Tears in silent succession
I said I’d never, never, if there were
any doubt whatsoever
I said I do
It came in the basement
Never rose beyond dank air
I remembered the fight with my mother:
blood on a towel, screaming to tear my throat
When the doubt grew
I tamped it back into the loam under the house
But these things surface
like corpses the delta cannot keep for long
where a thousand seeking arms rise from gravestones
We made love anyway
Then and now
In the dark, my fears conceal themselves
The cows, the cows
Moaning in the cold
Echoing against the hillside
Stifled by my climax
but still the low steady moans
still
the low steady moans of the cows
Afterward, I lay alone
weeping from both ends
mourning
I have all the secrets I can hold
They moan with a softer sound
A contest entry
- Melancholy by Polaja.
700 points, ended March 17, 2007, 55 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Turn your Silver into Gold! by Celticpoet.
300 points, ended June 9, 2007, 42 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Controlled Vomiting: Can you puke beautifully? by onerios13.
1400 points, ended August 17, 2008, 24 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Honest critiques only please. Be brutal if you must.
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
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The scythe? That's a little... extreme. lol. I keep picturing a man of bones weilding instruments of death. Not exactly the kind of "raw" I was thinking of when we started this contest. Love the word "loam" though. That's such a beautiful use of it here. In the fourth stanza, you use "rise" too close to each other, and it takes away from the crispness of the other lines. And they ARE crisp, which I love. The stop-and-go feel of this works well and that's hard to pull off. I'm not sure it's as clean as it could be, but it's certainly emotional. Thanks for entering
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WOW!!!!
I am totally blown away by this. The dark building of emotion and fear from the opening line. Like laying the bricks one by one. The weeping from both ends image at the end was off the hook phenominal...very clever write from beginning to end. Well chosen words and placed at just the right sequence. I really just cannot say enough about this piece... All of this was extremely good but this stanza was haunting...
The cows, the cows.
Moaning in the cold.
Echoing against the hillside.
Stifled by my climax,
but still the low steady moans,
still
the low steady moans of the cows.WOW AGAIN!!!
☼Becky☼
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Super Yum
Powerful! The juxtaposition of the sex and the cows is so creepy and eerie...i liked it a lot! The weeping out both ends, and love is no sanctuary from madness...just genius! Excellent poem. Moving, full of emotion, and also elusive, mystical, and somewhat paranormal, which, for me, equals interesting reading! Super yum, better than gum!
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This Is the Not what I expected!
I just had a crazy vision of a hefer procession carrying a coffin. But not to be. The piece I read was much better. I did I admit have to read it a few times to get the idea. It still blew me away the style , the feeling, all of it just seemed to fit well. Thank so much for sharing. Peace Blut Rot
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this simply blows me away!
i seldom run across a poem that does that to me. i have to read it over and over. i'm amazed how by third read i feel as if i am the person speaking.
this is dark yet it gives me a good feeling to read it. to me that shows talent
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I wasn't so sure what I was going to read when I opened this up but I am stuned by this. It took me off guard but it was a nice write!
Congrats on your hm.
- KariKaRama - -
It hurts
I am deeply saddened by this one. I will unfold my experience at reading this piece so you might understand.... I am there, the mechanical recipient of your orgasm. I know the cows, and their other-worldly sound. I know the smell of the room, the level of the light, the texture of the bed, of your body. I know little beyond your epidermis. I do not know these corpses that rise within you. I only wish you would let me meet them. Perhaps you would have eventually... The bitterness already gives way in me. I will always answer you should you call. fuckim crying
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This is a very interesting piece ... I must say that I really like the word 'tamped' ... *smiles* ... the imagery that you have used in this piece is crafted brilliantly ... and as endings go, this was one of my favorites.
Good luck
Polly -
sheesh- i seem to be following the prophet with his prophetic commentary but indeed this does harken silence of the lambs and the lamb story of dear starling- first thing i thought too-
a strong write- nicely done and an asset to our contest-
m -
this has "the silence of the lambs" ... or, sorry, cows feel to it, and works rather nicely ... and just like your bricks, you built this steady and finished strong ... nice write, and good luck
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this is so nice. It was quite original. I loved this.This was done very well. good job for throwing it out this way. I think all of these other talented writers will identify with the idea here. Your writing is almost conversational and I value that in prose because it makes it more reachable. The rhythm and rhyme are lovely. A sense of warmth and light came over me while reading.
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you're kidding, right? Nice? Warmth and Light? Are you commenting on the same poem you read?
Don't get me wrong, I appreciate your compliments. I am not trying to diminish that in any way. But I never thought this poem would give anyone the warm fuzzies. Maybe you just got the warm fuzzies from the skill of the poet and not the content of the poem? (chuckle) I better stop before I get myself in trouble. (smirk, giggle)
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I liked it. Excellent.
I like the images you protray and your prose. I would not be brutal, you have been thruogh eneough already. -
Damn right.
Definitely my favorite from you. What a wonderful title, and what followed did not disappoint. I'll be back later to hopefully say something useful.
Be well,
Morgan
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Awesome
Thia is oneof the best reads I've come across in a while. Very deeply emotional. I don't know your exact feeling behind it but I know how it effected me and thats what we write for...for others to take something away. I did. Pen on...
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Wow. This is really deep!
I like this one. I liked how you were playing with your words and one minute you were talking about yourself and then the next it was something else, like the cows. It was real clever how you worded those parts. And the part about the moaning cows really sticks hard in my head. I think I'll book mark this piece. I would like to read it again.
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Wow
An absolutely brilliant write, it's so evocative.
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Haunting Imagery
"Love is no sanctuary from madness"
no..if anything I think it may be a temple for it at times.
This is a very haunted write, especially S5.
I think this is a very fitting entry; inspiration comes from the strangest things; concrete walls evoke many images. I really liked this.
Well done.
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