And elevator dinging
A candle flame gone out
A whisper being made - the candle had gone out
So light a match
And bring it back -
You can't see anything without light
But it's too late
The candle's lost
And an elevator's dinging
Author notes
Okay, so my teacher assigned us a project to write a poem like "I heard a fly buzz" by Emily Dickinson. They didn't have to be similar in theme or topic, but they had to have the combination of something significant and something insignificant happening at the same time.
This took a lot of thought, because I usually put what I'm thinking out bare and uncensored, so I was hoping I could get some feedback about this.
Please and thank you.
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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At one of the conferences I was at recently, one of the participants got caught in the elevator when the power went off - was in there for over 2 hours in the dark, with the dinging - good thing she had a cell phone and could talk to her husband most of the time. Liked the thoughts you have put together here - big and little,
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Dam
I thought dat said Elevator Dangling
you know where you hang your wang n' puddins out in an elevator
You know
Bomb diggity
Woomp Woomp
(yo wut be smelling like cream cheeze and sex sauce up in dis elevator?)
Then you kick him in the manudders and say:
welcome to hellavator
Then you hope to survive and stay out the jails
But good poem
If da lights went out in thwe elevator I wouldn't be lighting a match less someone catch a glimpse of my 'ding ding'
Dat extra ding was for da extra 8 inches (of scrotum)
. Rewarded 8
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Random!!
i love random this is so great good job i luve it cuz well its so random ha ha ha smiles
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nice
I found this poem different and felt there is a deeper meaning in its write. I liked it thanks for sharing
. Rewarded 4
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nicely done
Emily Dickinson is a very hard style to pull off, and I feel you did a pretty good job of using her idea of significant/insignificant evens. Overall, well written. Good job!
. Rewarded 4
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The use of the candle is sheer brilliance. The ending line sounds a little unsure of itself. The "and" is the problem.
Maybe... so too, an elevator's dinging.
Up to you.
Nice piece though.
Cool assignment, wish I could do stuff like this.
Jailah. -
B-
Well, the significant and insignificant themes were well done, but a little bit more should have been said about the elevator and a little less about the candle. I don't know, the ending just wasn't strong enough. You know, to even attempt to do a poem like this, and to pull it off takes extreme talent and thought. You did okay here. -
you know i was very lost and confused, u made me that way, i know can't find the match, so light your own dang candle,lol, this isa greaet poem you can really get into, and thank god the ding came, i couldn't stand that elevator music. keep it flowing
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I won't tell you I was lost, I felt the significant/insignificant items were done well.
The interesting note is how you tied the candle going out, a lack of light, and more importantly a feeling of a lack of electricity, and yet the elevator dings. I believe you intended the candle to be a metaphor for relationship/love, but maybe I am looking too much into it. Definitely has a surreal feel to it. Now all you need is Napolean to get off the elevator and light the candle. LOL
Jim
. Rewarded 4
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No advice I've got for you either, I thought it sounded great and worked out just fine on your behalf. Great job.
~Ryan~ -
I never really could write like Emily Dickinson. That was ALWAYS a challenge for me at school. This is really cool though. I like the metaphors that can be seen in this. Really nicely penned my friend. Sorry I cannot offer some good advice on this. Keep up the good work.
Love always,
Kristen ღ
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